Sunday, December 23, 2012


I woke up in shallow chitters
It’s 3 am and there’s nothing but darkness
And the thin membrane of vulnerability
I tried to lulled myself to sleep, my mind failed me.

I plugged earpiece to my auricles
Hoping to overpower my throbbing heart
Rather, it filled me with abstract emotions
Ghosts of the past had come back.

I’m drenched with raw pathetic emotions
My blanket, soaked with melancholy
From childhood to now, I’m afraid of nightmares
But tonight, I’d rather be swallowed by one.

A cold wind drained my blood in a rush
My head felt the jitter from a catapult
My heart somersaulted in my chest
I leaped from the bed and from the reality.

It wasn’t just a dream,
You’re not on my side, and you’ve never been.


I woke up with the sunlight stinging my eyes. My body had recuperated enough, but my mind's restless. I dragged the blanket to cocoon myself to its calming softness. I looked at the clock, it's 10 in the morning and my feet tingle with pain.  

The weather's joyous, it's a good day for wandering,but walking is the list thing on my list. I grabbed for my phone but it's out of my reach and i'm otiose enough to extend an arm. I burrowed my face to my pillow, my hair smelled of vanilla and morning fog. If it's just any ordinary day, i'm already groomed and face-slumped into a book, but this day's no ordinary, so is last night.  

I squeezed my pillow against my thumping heart, 10 minutes more and i'm going to kiss the day good morning, but while my mind's still nuzzling with the solitariness it ironically enjoys, i'm going to drift away from the reality and french kiss the cosmic world i hold dear.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Book Review: Perfect Chemistry by Simon Elkeles

I just finished reading ‘Perfect Chemistry’ by Simon Elkeles, and it was, I can’t find words to describe it, oh my gosh it’s just so damn good. And I’m still crying up to this very moment. I didn’t expect it to turn out to be captivating, and hilarious, and heart stomping and thrilling, all at the same time. It’s like a mash-up of all my favorite flavors in one ice cream. Funny thing the male lead has the same surname as I do, Alejandro Fuentes and he is HOOOOOT that I felt somewhat awkward reading my last name on the book. *giggles

At first, I thought it was just another teenage book that circles on typical ups and downs of being a teenager and being in a relationship but I was totally wrong, it was pieces of blatant reality, weaved to a book.
The male lead Alejandro Fuentes is a gang member who has this badass reputation that his schoolmates won’t even dare to look him in the eye, or else they’ll get in to a not so pretty situation. It was the memory of his father’s death that made him resentful of everything about life. He is surely not the kind of guy your mother would allow you to date or even be friends with, but surely the kind of guy that made girls swoon despite his belligerent façade. 

It was his senior year and he just planned on playing it cool until graduation and then whatever will be will be, until one day in a Chemistry subject, he was partnered with the school princess, Brittany Ellis and everything just changed beyond his heart’s control. Brittany Ellis is the perfect blonde princess of the school, she is the envy of any girl. On the outside, she’s just as perfect as a fragile snowflake, a pretty face, a body to die for, a smartass, a quarter back boy friend and a very well off family but on the inside, she’s a warrior fighting for her personal battles.

As the two of them get to hate, get to know and get to adore each other’s concealed flaws, they will just found themselves madly in love with each other. And I found myself in love with the both of them as well. It was a very great story, probably one of the few books that have etched into my heart. One negative thing about the book, it had raised my expectation about love and now I don’t know if I’ll ever have the chance to get married. Great book, poor me.

Btw this is Alex Fuentes, as portrayed by Alexander Rodriguez. He is HOTNESS Mygas. *ovary explode


Too young to get serious
Too old to play
I’m probing for a middle ground
Yet I grasped none.

I fidgeted my brain with countless tap
Wishing for it to puke rainbows and unicorns
I sauntered on levitation
And everything fell in a slow-mo of cliché

I myself is baffled with my thoughts
I settled for vagueness
Until I lost track of my own motifs
Oblivion and its pungent taste, melted in my tongue
Sure I’m going to puke neither unicorns nor rainbows
But more likely a buttery goo of pride and ignominy

I stare back to my paper
It sees the pit I try to conceal
Between my finger and pen are the things I enshroud
And they stay where I left them.


Like the drizzles of rain in my roof
he becharmed my heart in utter silence
No matter how I focus to the softness
of the bed against my skin
my mind wanders to him.

His touch felt like summer
and I can hear the crackles of leaves
as my body tingles in his soft caress

His minty breath against my neck
sends chills down my spine
that it’s too impossible
not to combust with delight

His dark eyes that burns with fondness
Trembles my knees for desire
We are each other’s counter poison
And I thirst for him as much as he does for me,
So I thought.

He is nowhere to be seen
His scent faded, so is his arms wrapped around me.
I pushed his thoughts on the corner of my head
I tried hard not to burst with tears.

But like the drizzles of rain in my roof
he becharmed my heart in utter silence
No matter how I focus to the softness
of the bed against my skin
for the millionth time, my mind wanders to him.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

My Head.

My head’s clouded by thoughts I can’t separate from the dense pieces of abstracts. I feel lost, and alone. I have this longing inside my heart I can’t figure out. All I know is, I’m tired and I have to bleed what my heart’s weeping every second of its waking hours, or else I’ll pass out for good or if not, go insane.

I observe the world not as a routine to kill time or to contemplate what the philosophy books have taught me, but rather to see through the overt, pricking through the obvious and conclude the concealed other things beneath the surface. And what I have seen skew my perception, making me ponder of how dissimilar the people I just knew from the people I thought they were. As I have tried to live my life the way I used to, people, incognizant or deliberately, starts to peel away from the costumes they adorned with glamour and pesky pretentious. “The shows over”, I thought to myself, only to find that everything’s just a warm up and the show has just begun.

Everything in this world is subject to change, whether they like it, they don’t like it, or they don’t know. Life, is not staying in one place for the rest of your earthly definition of eternity, not even going from place to place to give justice for why we have to eventually turn to ashes and remnants only utile to the lowest species this world has, when all our years, we strive to carpe diem by finding the fictional stair towards self-actualization. I myself will also be swallowed by this world one day, but my thoughts wouldn’t dive with me, six feet below the earth.

People doesn’t change overnight, they change in the speed of light. I have tried hard to avoid change, but just like others, it struck me like a thunder with a wind as its disguise. I savored it for, I no longer can measure. It consumed me, it’s ecstatic, and every fiber in me felt like it effloresce into something invincible yet naïve. From the moment the phylogeny is through, I wished it never happened at the very first place.

I am changing together with the people, with the world and everything in between. Every day is a fashion show of ‘how-long-can-you-pull-together-that-sanity-of-yours’, and the world’s long pavements are the runway. Everyone around me is a stimulus to my impending many changes yet to come, likewise, I am theirs. But, I still can’t figure out why some of the people I value and almost love, decided to change and eventually leave me hanging in the air, when I never gave them any stimuli condescending to their egos. Next to my first fear dying, is my fear of oblivion, and they had just served it fresh from the oven, right in front of my face. 

I trust too much, that’s my biggest flaw. I trust them because I care for them, and I want to give myself the opportunity to devour to a friendship I can watch and screw life with, only to find that, we’re not on the same leaf, people change, and they just did. Sure, vulnerability is not my cup of tea, and it’ll never be, but I will never be tired of gambling. I’ll die one day, and I’ll be forgotten, two of my fears entwined in one, and just as my observations, my thoughts, my beliefs and my argues evaporate together with my footsteps, I know I have lived my life under none of the many roofs of people’s how it should be, but my own.

This journey is still long, longer I hope. So for now, I will keep pacing, and will still keep observing.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


I want to grow old, I mean grow older. Not that I’m bored with my life or with the people and places I know. I just want to expand my horizon, get out of my shell, pack all the strength I have saved for all these years, and march my own pace.

I want to go to France. I feel like there is something or perhaps someone out there waiting for me. Well if there’s none, I don’t care. For once and for all, I just want to be free, and France, is the only place I know, perfect for my escape.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Hello Stranger

He’d been always there for me a countless times, and I believe I was just blinded by all the aches that I have mended my defenses way too invincible to the point of being numb.  I gave him coldness, he gave me warmth. I gave him sarcasm, he gave me sweetness. I gave him rejection, he gave me acceptance. I gave him all the reasons that can dismay his affection, he embraced all my flaws. He is a stranger who patiently listened to all my sentiments, a stranger who sincerely sympathized to my miseries. I know I became selfish, I know I became rude, I even became lax. But the more I insist him to give up his feelings for me, the more scared I become that, um he will do so. I was jailed in a relationship that gone no further than just, leaving me with no reasons to love again. I felt used, smothered.

That would be pathetic of me to fall for the same trick the second time around.  But, there is something in him that’s making me want to try falling in love, once again. His word makes me feel secured, like his every sentences was a security blanket for me. I know it’s weird but, I can feel his sincerity despite not seeing him yet. I don’t know if he loves me for real, but I guess life’s just a matter of taking a try for whatever it will offer you on the table, and I am ready for anything now.

I want to spend my every day mocking and teasing him, this is so rude of me but, my day’s just isn’t complete without me bullying him. Like it’s my way of saying, that I am the only one who has the authority to do those things to him. Selfish and nefarious it may seem, but it’s just one weird way of mine in making people feel that they have a special place in my heart.

I’m not the sweetest girl in the world, im not even sweet, but I want to cuddle with him all day long, I want to hold his hands as I play with his fingers in a midst of a crowd, I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be so close to him that I can hear his every breath already. I want to argue with him about random things, I want to face each and every fear I have, with him smiling behind me, I want to walk anywhere with him as we lose track of the time, I want to fight with him about silly stuffs, cry for infinitesimal reasons, part ways, then realize that all we have is the both of us, kiss like it was the very first, love like it was the only thing we know to do. 

But, I’m not still strong enough to own him and the possibility of losing him anytime. I know we’ll get there someday too, but now, I am just so happy that I met him. And for me, that will always be enough.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Book Review: Die For Me & Until I die by Amy Plum

I have spent my weeks reading these books by Amy Plum. At first, i was skeptical of even glancing at its very first page, i'm not a fan of romance novels and thought i would never be, but as i have read the first few pages of the book, I was caught off-guard, I gagged for it, drooled for it, and breathed on its every momentum, and now i feel that it is a part of me.

I am frantically a hopeless romantic person, i would never deny that, and this book had all the right words, people and circumstance written to bleed what exactly i am fantasizing for myself.

Kate Beamont Mercier and Vincent Delacroix's love story has became the major motion picture playing in my mind as i enter my fictional world whenever i have the chance to. It just not become a habit, but an addiction, and i'm ecstatic every now and then.

Kate's profound affection for art and everything under the umbrella of all the things weird and quirky a normal 17 year old girl would never put herself into, has always been congruent with mine. And she being the   life of an undead too good too be true supposedly 80 year-old revenant but was trapped on a body of a 19 year old way too gorgeous guy, has come on my senses delicious by default.

I know they're not real. But at least with them and their story, i can find my reverie.

I can't wait for the trilogy (If I Should Die), despite having me not want the story to have its end still very frolic of what would happen next.

Paris, France. I will go there someday too. Insane it may sound, but I am going to find my own kate-vincent love story there. :))))

Monday, May 14, 2012

I was once a writer

The back view of the shirt my school paper adviser gave me, 5 years ago. She bought it during the Calabarzon School Press Conference on 2008. I failed to make it to the Regionals that is why she just bought me a shirt as a token of gratitude instead. I garnered 5th place during the Division School Press Conference in Feature Writing, and technically I am really legible to proceed to the Regionals since the rule says that the top 7 of each category are the ones that will be chosen, but the rule also says that only one student per school, of each category can pursue to the Regionals, and unfortunately, my fellow Stentor (our English publication) writer bagged the 4th place, making me off of the list. It sucked, it really does. To have you realize that you’ve outshined the other 70 + writer from different school, and that the only competitor you need to obstruct came from one of your colleague, a total disappointment. I lost the chance, leaving me thinking every night of what might have been.

But its 5 years now, and I’m over it. Haha, my only point is that I just want to share the picture. So there you have it. Pardon for the drama :)

A Human Pickle

So I am pickled inside the house, not going anywhere for a month, aside from my bed, the kitchen and the bathroom. This might not be as exciting (no excitement at all) as how school vacation supposed to be, but I am happy though. I am a lazy cat. I can spend my entire day just sleeping, so this is really fulfilling for me despite how exciting it is to be outdoor during the summer. I am a home dude, and I am having my summer the best it can be. This is not just about making an excuse for having no allowance for me to avail the getaway I want, hahaha, even if I do have the money, I’ll still prefer to stay at home and maybe just spend every peso I have with burgers, and fries, and ice creams, and perhaps sleep again. Vacation Grande my style. :)

Just some pictures of me :)

I just want to share them. :)))))

Friday, May 4, 2012

Cute Neighbors :D

2 new neighbors :)

At dun nagtatapos ang 2 years at 5 months.

Broken hearted ako. Kaya eto, tinatamad na akong magsulat o maski makinig ng mga tugtuging tila nangaasar pa. Hays, totoo ngang pagdating sa pag-ibig e wala tayong kadala-dala. Nasaktan ka na nga dati, nasaktan pa ulit sa pangalawang pagkakataon, tapos ngayon eto nanaman, paulit-ulit lang, parang remix na plaka, alam mo ng paulit-ulit lang yung lyrics e kanta ka pa din ng kanta. E ganun talaga kasi siguro ang buhay, kapag ang puso ang nadali, kahit anong nadala na ako kemerut mo e kapag tinamaan ka, e tinamaan ka talaga. Hindi uubra ang pa-manhid at my amnesia girl effect mo lalo kapag nakita mo na siya.

Tsk. 2 years and 5 months din yun dude eh. Hindi yun simpleng MU lang. Akala ko nga siya na e. Mantakin mo ba namang pinaplano na namin ( sige kadalasan ako lang ) yung magiging buhay namin pagkasal na kami, kung ilan ang magiging anak namin tsaka magiging pangalan nila. Akala ko truelove na, yun pala isa din lang pala sa mga napakaraming komersyal na mapapanuod ko bago yung pelikula. Binonggahan pa sa special effects komersyal lang pala.

Kung minahal ko ba siya? E oo naman, sobra sobra. Kaya nga hanggang ngayon e umaasa pa rin akong marerealize niyang hindi niya pala kayang mawala ako, na pwede naman pala niyang punan yung mga pagkukulang niya at ganun din ako, na kami pala talaga ang para sa isa’t-isa, na hindi na niya ako ulit iiwan kahit anong problema o hindi pagkakaintindihan pa ang dumating saming dalawa. Pero asa naman ako, kung hindi ako nagkakamali, e siya ang pinakamanhid na nakilala ko sa buong buhay ko. Daig pa ang bato kung makadedmabels sa mga argues ko nung kami pa. Kaya nga kami naghiwalay e. Dahil sa sobrang manhid nya, nahawa na ako. Wala siyang pakialam, ako din. Nagkalasan na lang.

Hindi naman ako nagsisising naging kami. Minahal naman niya ako e, hindi nga lang halata.  Siguro namimiss ko lang siya kaya gantong nagkokorni-kornihan ako. Pero katulad ng alak, balang araw isusuka ko din siya. Mawawala din ang tama ko. Oo na, baduy na.

At dun nagtatapos ang 2 years at 5 months.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


Assignment ng pinsan ko sa Basic Photography nila, ako na lang yun nagmodel. Hha. =)


As the cold whispers of the wind gleam through each and every strand of my hair, I have loved you for millionth chances. One breath away, I know you’re somewhere staring at the same star I’m devoting my creeds upon.

Wishes are never been odd for me, same with those undying fairytales and happy endings books have taught me well. I have been so afraid for so long, knowing that despite the entire make believes I make, I will never find my prince charming. I have thought that I will be forever jailed in the dungeon strengthen by all the anxiety, fears and prejudice I had built my own. Far from promises and vows, I isolate myself from breaking and believing in such. Thought that I was then, I refused to search anymore, but then without any further notice, you came.

Goodbye became a word of another many tomorrows yet to come, I have never felt this secured, happy, free yet protected before. I have spent my life believing that love’s a barter of anything you have and anything you would be, but with you I spend none, I gamble none yet you gave me what is I thought more than I deserve.

My heart had been damaged beyond repair, and so is my trust for people, for feelings, emotions and many other things I never valued then, but not until you grabbed my hand and strengthens each and every fiber of my flesh verging on solemnity.

You’re not maybe the prince charming who would kiss me to wake me up from a long narcolepsy, or the prince charming that would put the other pair of my shoes on perfectly, but I know you’re the guy I would be making my own fairytale with, my happy ending with, and our own story of a happily ever after. :)


I feel tired, so tired. All this things that I need to accomplish, authority to oblige, title to be maintained, I am so tired of being strong. For once in a while, I want to be someone ordinary, someone who care less about the world, someone who don’t have these baggages around her shoulder. 

I want to fly and go to places I have only read in books, go the highest mountains, reach the clouds and watch the little lights as they blink like a petite damsel dancing happily, sleep in the fields with my hands put under my head, climb trees and watch the sun fades giving  way to the moon, count the stars, sing with the wind, feel the breeze’s cold embrace, stride wherever my feet bring me to, talk to the moon. I want to be free. Free from all the pressure, expectations, labels, competitions, and from the society’s a must to oblige norms.

I just want my childhood back again. Those days where a simple candy can already make my day. Those days where love is just a story of a girl who met a guy who happened to be a prince, and that they live happily ever after. Those days where friends are just a block away. Those days where life isn’t that complicated yet.
I just want some break.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

If we can only love our parents enough.

Kasama ng mga aso, kuting at mga matatanda e isa pa sa mga kahinaan ko e ang mga magulang ko. Tuwing pamilya at mga magulang ko na ang pinaguusapan, wala akong ibang masasabi kundi napakaswerte ko. Nakakatuwang isipin na merong kakayahan ang taong maging mapagmahal, mapag-unawa, mapagbigay at mapagpatawad sa sukdulan ng paglimot na sa sarili. Kaya kung nagiinarte kang hindi mo na kako mahahanap ang truelove mo, nako neng puro ka kasi lablayp e ano palang tawag mo sa pagmamahal na ibinibigay sayo ng mga magulang mo?

Maiksi lang ang buhay, pahalagahan natin sila hanggang may oras at panahon pa tayo na pwede natin silang alagaan, ipagsandok ng tanghalian, ilibre ng kahit  isang supot lang ng kropek, kwentuhan ng mga ginagawa mo sa araw araw mong pagpasok sa eskwelahan o sa trabaho, at kung ano ano pa.

Wala ng mas sasarap pa sa pagmamahal ng magulang, naramdaman mo yan, kaya sana, iparamdam mo rin sa kanila ang pagmamahal ng anak na para sa kanila naman e ang pinakamasarap.

Puro ka kasi sarili mo lang, tandaan mo hindi lang ikaw ang tumatanda, pati mga magulang mo din.

Si ermat tsaka erpat. :)


Sa mundong punong puno ng pampalaway, imposibleng manatiling kontento. Lahat tayo may gusto, may kinaiinggitan. Ako mismo meron din. Sino bang hindi may gustong pumogi o gumanda siya ng kahit ilang megabytes lang? Wala. Kahit nga yung mga nuknukan na ng ganda e todo pa rin ang pagpapaganda tayo pa kayang mga, (ahem) mababait?

Hindi ako maniniwala kung sasabihin mong kuntento ka na sa mga bagay na meron ka na ngayon, kung kuntento ka na e bakit ka pa nag-aaral? Hindi ka pa ba masayang marunong ka na mag-plus at subtract, kakaririn mo pa ang calculus at physics? Kung kuntento ka na e bakit ka pa kumakain, hindi ka pa ba masaya na nabuhay ka na ngayong araw na toh at hihirit ka pang mabuhay ng mas madami pang araw? Kung kuntento ka na e bakit ka pa gumagamit ng  glutathione, tawas, uling na ipinapangmahid sa balat, at kung ano ano pang pampaputi, hindi ka pa ba masayang kahit papaano e hindi transparent ang kulay ng balat mo? E kasi nga hindi ka pa kuntento, walang kakuntentuhan ang tao, at pagnanais, hindi matatapos yun.

So ayun, ninenok na ng antok yung karne sa bungo ko, so ayun nga. Chu.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Just my brain.

I wander more often than I talk. I’m not really a sociable person, its not that I refuse companionships, I just prefer to be alone more often than not.

When I am alone, I contemplate more about the things happened and still happening in my life. It’s like my everyday dose of scanning my system to preempt future eradicates. Funny it may seem but I feel like I’m doing a monologue of my own gossip girl episode, it’s like I’m disk jockeying my own radio station, the only peculiar thing is I am also the listener, and actually, an avid listener.

School and stuffs are what’s keeping me still in this specific set of mind. I don’t know but I feel like if I lose focus on trimming the insignificants off of the brim, it will all be pathetic, and so am I. There are instances that I already see myself one heck of a perfectionist. I’m trying to avoid being one as much as possible, but the more I chase for what the norm is telling me, the more I drastically become the childish OC who sobs at very minimal mistakes and find every plain situation their ruthless woes.

Fictioneering. That’s what this muscle in my skull is exactly doing. I can’t blame her (or it) if that’s what she’s doing unintentionally, for at the very first place this insane little girl told her to intentionally do things in her way.

This will not go any further than mediocre. Maybe I’m just tired of all this rambling things happening in my life, and so yeah, I’m trying to put things into perspective by making sure they will all be done perfectly.

Maybe I’m just off course of my sanity, pretty not much ready for a fine conversation yet. This had been gone bland, frank and unviable, but yeah, thank you for wasting some 5 minutes of your time.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Real Meaning of Life.

I have been reading that book for almost 2 weeks now. It’s just a simple little orange book written by, or much appropriate to say, compiled by David Seaman. It’s a book engraved with various voices from various people around the globe sharing their perceptions, beliefs, ideals, contradicts and argues regarding what life really means. It started on October 10, 2004 when NYU Freshmen Seaman was sitting, laptapping in a coffee shop at New York City, trying to avoid writing a paper for his humanities class, typed “What is the meaning of life?” into an online forum, and to his surprise, thousands of people responded to his query. Amused by how people reacted on his thread, he decided to compile some of the interesting, inspiring, entertaining and some of the funny posts he received giving birth to the book I am now pondering into.

The real meaning of life can be compared to a jar of cookie that comes in similar sizes and shapes, but differs in taste and flavor. People differ in races, status, genres, religions etc. but they are all the same, we are all the same. We have one creator, we have one life to live, one death to breathe, we have the same physiological components, we have one earth sharing together and that we have one air to consume, one biosphere to nourish and degrade. Biologically, that what make us creatures, but existence doesn’t end in merely breathing in dying.

We all have minds, but each uniquely differs in the way of facilitation, we all have emotions, but it’s not the same specific stimulus that flows through those billions of neurons our body has, we all have eyes, but ironically, it’s not the same thing we see even with the same object. We have God, we know God, but we don’t have the same religion, there are Catholics, Buddhist, Christians, Taoist, and sorts, each single one of them teaches the same objectives, the only difference is their approach, but they’re praising the same Lord. We have straights, homosexuals, lesbians, gays, and bi-s but we are all the same creatures God breathed upon Eve and Adam on the book of Genesis.  As Humanity explains, people are pieces of puzzle that differs in color and fits and are all subject in one single aggregation, but never serve the same purpose. And that, the combination of two is what the meaning of life is to me.

You are the only exact copy of yourself, your friend can’t be like you, your siblings can’t be like you, you and only you can do all the things you can, can think all the things you thought, can aspire all the things you dream, can feel all the emotions you are capable of feeling regarding of the stimulus you based them upon. You are unique, you are peculiar. Are you special? That’s when the debate will be brought about. I don’t believe that that we are all special, for if in a basket of apples, red and green are considered both special, which else is not special? How come there will be specials if there is no one not special?

You can be a writer, a sculpture, an architect, engineer, singer, priest, nun, actress, pilot, faith healer, drug lord, mafia, philanthropist, that and this. You can be anyone you want, as long as you want to, as long as you pursue being that person you want to become. But at the end of the day, life does end, and all the hardships you’ve done will be soon forgotten, in that case, where’s the specialness? For what are all the sweats you’ve shed when appreciation for all the things you’ve done will vanish together with your doom? We are not immortals, we think yes, we love yes, but that doesn’t make us special enough to not die, for we’re not any superior even in the simplest bacteria this earth has.

God will always be the bottom line of everything, and that he sees through you, more than anyone can ever see you. He loves us all and his love makes the journey here on earth special.

We all will die, and so what’s the purpose of living then? Its purpose is to find its purpose, to find your purpose. God created you not just to be someone insignificant, you serve some purpose and its always depends on you on how you find for them, and no matter what, you are meant to be happy in any ways possible. Life is just too short to merely contemplate on the deepest explanations of what the real meaning really is. You want to live a happy life? Stop searching for its meaning.