He’d been always there for me a countless times, and I believe I was just blinded by all the aches that I have mended my defenses way too invincible to the point of being numb. I gave him coldness, he gave me warmth. I gave him sarcasm, he gave me sweetness. I gave him rejection, he gave me acceptance. I gave him all the reasons that can dismay his affection, he embraced all my flaws. He is a stranger who patiently listened to all my sentiments, a stranger who sincerely sympathized to my miseries. I know I became selfish, I know I became rude, I even became lax. But the more I insist him to give up his feelings for me, the more scared I become that, um he will do so. I was jailed in a relationship that gone no further than just, leaving me with no reasons to love again. I felt used, smothered.
That would be pathetic of me to fall for the same trick the second time around. But, there is something in him that’s making me want to try falling in love, once again. His word makes me feel secured, like his every sentences was a security blanket for me. I know it’s weird but, I can feel his sincerity despite not seeing him yet. I don’t know if he loves me for real, but I guess life’s just a matter of taking a try for whatever it will offer you on the table, and I am ready for anything now.
I want to spend my every day mocking and teasing him, this is so rude of me but, my day’s just isn’t complete without me bullying him. Like it’s my way of saying, that I am the only one who has the authority to do those things to him. Selfish and nefarious it may seem, but it’s just one weird way of mine in making people feel that they have a special place in my heart.
I’m not the sweetest girl in the world, im not even sweet, but I want to cuddle with him all day long, I want to hold his hands as I play with his fingers in a midst of a crowd, I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be so close to him that I can hear his every breath already. I want to argue with him about random things, I want to face each and every fear I have, with him smiling behind me, I want to walk anywhere with him as we lose track of the time, I want to fight with him about silly stuffs, cry for infinitesimal reasons, part ways, then realize that all we have is the both of us, kiss like it was the very first, love like it was the only thing we know to do.
But, I’m not still strong enough to own him and the possibility of losing him anytime. I know we’ll get there someday too, but now, I am just so happy that I met him. And for me, that will always be enough.