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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Siesta Time



Alam mo yung ang dami dami mong naiisip pero sa di mo malamang dahilan e ang hirap hirap nilang isulat. Siguro, o sabihin na nating kadalasan, sarili mo lang talaga ang maaring makaintindi sa iniisip, nararamdaman at sinasabe nito.

Alas dos ng hapon, nadatnan kong walang katao-tao ang klasrum, kalat-kalat ang mga upuan at bukas ang lahat ng bentilador kahit wala namang gumagamit, hay naku naman. Walang makausap, walang makakwentuhan, wala pa kasi akong nagiging kaibigan sa klase. Isang oras pa bago ang susunod na klase, pero kahit isang oras pa ang hihintayin ko e nagpasya na akong pumasok na ng mas maaga.

Ramdam ko ang lamig sa loob ng kwarto, bagama’t may di maikukubling init ang dumadampi sa aking balat buhat ng katirikan ng araw. Maaliwalas ang lahat, ang mga ulap ay mistulang malalambot na marshmallow na tila inaaya akong lumipad kasama nila, ang mga dahon ng puno’y pumapagaspas tila ba’y nag-aaya sa mundo ng katahimikan at paghimbing. Gusto kong makiisa sa paligid, ngunit sa kawalang kasangguni, hindi dapat ako magpa-ubaya.

Nakikita ko ang mga berdeng bulubundukin at ang pag-iibang kulay nito buhat ng pagsayaw ng mga ulap. Ang mga sasakyang tila laruan ay parang bata kong pinagmasdan. Ang mga nagtataasang damo na tila ba’y sumasayaw sa iisang kumpas. Ang mga ibong paisa-isang dumadapo sa mga puno, mataal tagal na rin noong una ko itong natangis, at sa magkaparehang pagkakataon, ganoon pa rin at ako’y nag-iisa.

Napangiti ako’t napahawak sa nililipad kong buhok, napakalayo ng lugar na ito sa sentro ng pagiging sosyal. Napakasimple ng lahat ng bagay, payak at taimtim na nabubuhay.

Di ko maikakailang may lungkot na kumukubli sa aking isipan. Wala akong karamay, wala akong maaaring makakwentuhan hinggil sa kagandahang nasisilayan ko. Wala akong maaaring hingian ng opinion kung saan kaya papunta ang daang iyon at iyon.

Maraming nawala sa akin, may mga dumating ngunit ano pa’t nawala din. Pag-ibig, kaibigan, pamilya at ambisyon. Saan ko nga ba gustong lumipad? Saan ko nga ba gustong manahan? Ano ang kinatatakutan ko? Ano ang meron sa akin na dapat ko pang tuklasin? Sino nga ba ako at ano nga ba ang silbi ko sa mundo? Sino ang mga totoong nagmamahal sa akin at sino ang mga dapat kong mahalin? Kasing sagana ng mga bulaklak ng puno ng mangga dulot ng nalalapit na pag-usbong ang mga katanungang tumitimo sa aking sentido.

Gusto kong sumaya. Gusto kong maging malaya. Gusto kong magmahal at mahalin din. Gusto kong mabuhay ng may kabuluhan, ng payak ngunit may katuturan.

Marami pang gustong itinta ang aking pluma, ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, hahayaan ko munang isip ko lang ang sumarili sa kanya.

Kapiling ng mga ulap at hangin, mahahanap ko din ang tunay kong tahanan.

Just another enigma.

Its cold.

The rain’s kissing our skins fatally leading us to commit crimes we’re not supposed to commit.

Your eyes, they’re telling me stories of wonderlands and fairytales, the child within my heart is becoming na├»ve as she always does.

This cold shivers my knees, I’m becoming brittle and brittle.

Your smiles, they’re giving me vivid envisages of lovely summer memories I can hold on forever. Your voice’s giving my ears song of lullabies, keeping me awake and wandering at the same time. It’s really adorable how you speak. Go and tell me more of those beautiful places you’ve seen, amazing people you’ve met.

I search and search for a refuge I can hide my self into, a peculiar light had invited my eyes, I seek for it, I sought for it and so I witnessed its superfluous identity. Coldness had been out powered by invincible warmth, now I am relieved, or just I thought.

You must be kidding! I’ve also did those silly things when I was younger. Ha-ha, we’d be partners in crime then if we’d already met each other that time. Screw us. Ha-ha.

This is so much empathy, can I just see your face? Can I? 

That was so much fun talking to you, but wait, something’s wrong, something’s not suppose to happen, don’t talk to me too much, stop making me smile, refrain from making me laugh to your jokes, I might love you. You don’t want it right, me neither.

My heart keeps on pounding so hard, I looked at you, you seem so calm and easy, how am I suppose to ride your this-is-no-big-deal thing when I’m all panicking inside? Your heart must be numb with ice and stone, whoever would be hurt, you don’t give a single fuck, if I will be, if she will be, or if you will be either, you don’t care. You don’t care.

You’re beautiful. Everything about you is so special. Hold me once and I’ll never free you. Go control everything in me, I am yours to exploit.

As I was in the midst of the motions of this and that, he touched my chin and slightly tilted my face, and to no avail, I was left just closing my eyes as the only option I have. As our faces got closer, I felt his breath warm and special, slowly flown to my veins, to my spine and to my heart. His lips touched mine. It was a kiss. We’ve kissed.

And I was frozen.

Wherever you will go, just go and take me there. I don’t care how long the journey will be, just take me with you, just please take me with you.

It’s like cold and warmth intertwined. It’s soothing, excruciatingly delightful, grotesquetically adorable. I’m running out of breath, I am grasping for air, but none of these made me refuse each and every friction I had with yours. Of how you’ve held me tight in your arms, of how you’ve filled each spaces between my fingers with yours, of how you’ve caressed my heart. I’ve fell for them, for those, for you. Tell me this will last, tell me where not playing fools. My heart would be drastically hurt if you say no.

In a matter of second, all the things including the peculiar light I’ve thought that’ll guide my path had been obscured by the darkness.

No words had been uttered but it was crystal clear that it was all part of his scheme. No feelings involved, no emotions attached, pure schema. I lose the game, I failed to guard the thing he degradedly destroyed.

 He’s done with me, and he’s off living his life as if I’ve never existed. I was emotionally smothered. He’d consumed all the sanity in me, leaving me no pride to reap. I should’ve seen it beforehand. I should have.

All of a sudden, he’d vanished. All of a sudden, I was left alone. All of a sudden, it was all a dream.