Narcolepsy

I woke up in shallow chitters

It’s 3 am and there’s nothing but darkness

And the thin membrane of vulnerability

I tried to lulled myself to sleep, my mind failed me.

I plugged earpiece to my auricles

Hoping to overpower my throbbing heart

Rather, it filled me with abstract emotions

Ghosts of the past had come back.

I’m drenched with raw pathetic emotions

My blanket, soaked with melancholy

From childhood to now, I’m afraid of nightmares

But tonight, I’d rather be swallowed by one.

A cold wind drained my blood in a rush

My head felt the jitter from a catapult

My heart somersaulted in my chest

I leaped from the bed and from the reality.

It wasn’t just a dream,

You’re not on my side, and you’ve never been.

Coma

I woke up with the sunlight stinging my eyes. My body had recuperated enough, but my mind's restless. I dragged the blanket to cocoon myself to its calming softness. I looked at the clock, it's 10 in the morning and my feet tingle with pain.  

The weather's joyous, it's a good day for wandering,but walking is the list thing on my list. I grabbed for my phone but it's out of my reach and i'm otiose enough to extend an arm. I burrowed my face to my pillow, my hair smelled of vanilla and morning fog. If it's just any ordinary day, i'm already groomed and face-slumped into a book, but this day's no ordinary, so is last night.  

I squeezed my pillow against my thumping heart, 10 minutes more and i'm going to kiss the day good morning, but while my mind's still nuzzling with the solitariness it ironically enjoys, i'm going to drift away from the reality and french kiss the cosmic world i hold dear.

Book Review: Perfect Chemistry by Simon Elkeles

I just finished reading ‘Perfect Chemistry’ by Simon Elkeles, and it was, I can’t find words to describe it, oh my gosh it’s just so damn good. And I’m still crying up to this very moment. I didn’t expect it to turn out to be captivating, and hilarious, and heart stomping and thrilling, all at the same time. It’s like a mash-up of all my favorite flavors in one ice cream. Funny thing the male lead has the same surname as I do, Alejandro Fuentes and he is HOOOOOT that I felt somewhat awkward reading my last name on the book. *giggles

At first, I thought it was just another teenage book that circles on typical ups and downs of being a teenager and being in a relationship but I was totally wrong, it was pieces of blatant reality, weaved to a book.

The male lead Alejandro Fuentes is a gang member who has this badass reputation that his schoolmates won’t even dare to look him in the eye, or else they’ll get in to a not so pretty situation. It was the memory of his father’s death that made him resentful of everything about life. He is surely not the kind of guy your mother would allow you to date or even be friends with, but surely the kind of guy that made girls swoon despite his belligerent façade. 

It was his senior year and he just planned on playing it cool until graduation and then whatever will be will be, until one day in a Chemistry subject, he was partnered with the school princess, Brittany Ellis and everything just changed beyond his heart’s control. Brittany Ellis is the perfect blonde princess of the school, she is the envy of any girl. On the outside, she’s just as perfect as a fragile snowflake, a pretty face, a body to die for, a smartass, a quarter back boy friend and a very well off family but on the inside, she’s a warrior fighting for her personal battles.

As the two of them get to hate, get to know and get to adore each other’s concealed flaws, they will just found themselves madly in love with each other. And I found myself in love with the both of them as well. It was a very great story, probably one of the few books that have etched into my heart. One negative thing about the book, it had raised my expectation about love and now I don’t know if I’ll ever have the chance to get married. Great book, poor me.

Btw this is Alex Fuentes, as portrayed by Alexander Rodriguez. He is HOTNESS Mygas. *ovary explode

Obscurity

Too young to get serious

Too old to play

I’m probing for a middle ground

Yet I grasped none.

I fidgeted my brain with countless tap

Wishing for it to puke rainbows and unicorns

I sauntered on levitation

And everything fell in a slow-mo of cliché

I myself is baffled with my thoughts

I settled for vagueness

Until I lost track of my own motifs

Oblivion and its pungent taste, melted in my tongue

Sure I’m going to puke neither unicorns nor rainbows

But more likely a buttery goo of pride and ignominy

I stare back to my paper

It sees the pit I try to conceal

Between my finger and pen are the things I enshroud

And they stay where I left them.

Phantasm

Like the drizzles of rain in my roof

he becharmed my heart in utter silence

No matter how I focus to the softness

of the bed against my skin

my mind wanders to him.

His touch felt like summer

and I can hear the crackles of leaves

as my body tingles in his soft caress

His minty breath against my neck

sends chills down my spine

that it’s too impossible

not to combust with delight

His dark eyes that burns with fondness

Trembles my knees for desire

We are each other’s counter poison

And I thirst for him as much as he does for me,

So I thought.

He is nowhere to be seen

His scent faded, so is his arms wrapped around me.

I pushed his thoughts on the corner of my head

I tried hard not to burst with tears.

But like the drizzles of rain in my roof

he becharmed my heart in utter silence

No matter how I focus to the softness

of the bed against my skin

for the millionth time, my mind wanders to him.

My Head.

My head’s clouded by thoughts I can’t separate from the dense pieces of abstracts. I feel lost, and alone. I have this longing inside my heart I can’t figure out. All I know is, I’m tired and I have to bleed what my heart’s weeping every second of its waking hours, or else I’ll pass out for good or if not, go insane.

I observe the world not as a routine to kill time or to contemplate what the philosophy books have taught me, but rather to see through the overt, pricking through the obvious and conclude the concealed other things beneath the surface. And what I have seen skew my perception, making me ponder of how dissimilar the people I just knew from the people I thought they were. As I have tried to live my life the way I used to, people, incognizant or deliberately, starts to peel away from the costumes they adorned with glamour and pesky pretentious. “The shows over”, I thought to myself, only to find that everything’s just a warm up and the show has just begun.

Everything in this world is subject to change, whether they like it, they don’t like it, or they don’t know. Life, is not staying in one place for the rest of your earthly definition of eternity, not even going from place to place to give justice for why we have to eventually turn to ashes and remnants only utile to the lowest species this world has, when all our years, we strive to carpe diem by finding the fictional stair towards self-actualization. I myself will also be swallowed by this world one day, but my thoughts wouldn’t dive with me, six feet below the earth.

People doesn’t change overnight, they change in the speed of light. I have tried hard to avoid change, but just like others, it struck me like a thunder with a wind as its disguise. I savored it for, I no longer can measure. It consumed me, it’s ecstatic, and every fiber in me felt like it effloresce into something invincible yet naïve. From the moment the phylogeny is through, I wished it never happened at the very first place.

I am changing together with the people, with the world and everything in between. Every day is a fashion show of ‘how-long-can-you-pull-together-that-sanity-of-yours’, and the world’s long pavements are the runway. Everyone around me is a stimulus to my impending many changes yet to come, likewise, I am theirs. But, I still can’t figure out why some of the people I value and almost love, decided to change and eventually leave me hanging in the air, when I never gave them any stimuli condescending to their egos. Next to my first fear dying, is my fear of oblivion, and they had just served it fresh from the oven, right in front of my face. 

I trust too much, that’s my biggest flaw. I trust them because I care for them, and I want to give myself the opportunity to devour to a friendship I can watch and screw life with, only to find that, we’re not on the same leaf, people change, and they just did. Sure, vulnerability is not my cup of tea, and it’ll never be, but I will never be tired of gambling. I’ll die one day, and I’ll be forgotten, two of my fears entwined in one, and just as my observations, my thoughts, my beliefs and my argues evaporate together with my footsteps, I know I have lived my life under none of the many roofs of people’s how it should be, but my own.

This journey is still long, longer I hope. So for now, I will keep pacing, and will still keep observing.