Friday, September 16, 2011

Pag-ibig nga kasi.

Ang sarap sarap magmahal. Lalo na pag-alam mong mas mahal ka noong taong mahal mo. Yung tipong makita mo lang sya tanggal na lahat ng stress mo sa buhay, pati gutom tanggal. Pinakapaborito kong gawin sa buhay ko e yang magmahal, dyan kasi wala kang perang nagagastos, nagkakaroon ka pa ng emotional investment na kung maibebenta lang e milyones na siguro ang kapalit.

Ang saya saya sa pakiramdam kapag yung taong gusto mong mahalin e hinayaan kang mahalin mo sya, habang sya, ibinabalik sayo yung pabor. Parang life cycle, pinupunan nyo ang pangangailan ng bawat isa habang kayong dalawa, masayang nabubuhay.

Parang Bluetooth, parang infrared at signal. Hindi nakikita ng mata pero tagos tagos  ang impact sa puso.

Yung mga simpleng usapan na kahit kwentuhan lang tungkol sa kung anung inulam nyo kagabi e babalik-balikan mo pa. Yung para kang tala na pagna-aalala mo e pakurap kurap pa yung mata mo sa kilig. Mga simpleng bagay na kung tutuusin napakabababaw pero kung pwede lang e i-bobote mo ng hindi kumawala sa isipan mo.

Yung boses nya, yung paraan ng kung paano ka nya titigan, yung mga pasimpleng holding hands ninyo, mga sinasariwang first kiss at first anniversary na kulang na lang e buong araw mo ng ikwento sa kaibigan mo sa sobrang gustong kumawala na parang pusa sa dibdib mo lahat ng pakiramdam at emosyon na naiparamdam nya sayo.

Kung bakit ako nakakapagsalita ng ganito? Kasi naman, kung makakwento tong katabi ko tungkol sa lablayp nya e kala mo ba’y kahapon lang ipinanganak sa mundo. Malalim na ang gabi, malaim na din ang eyebags ko. Makatulog na nga. Yan na lang muna sa ngayon. Magandang gabi Blogspot !

( replay lang ang post na toh. hehe)


It’s so trivial how circumstances and time change a person in the blink of the eye. The people whom you once share your laughters and tears with are now the people you can’t even ask of the simplest things you can ask to strangers.

Ex-boyfriends, Ex-bestfriends/friends. Why is it that the people you are close with are also the same people who can give you the coldest spaces, glares and smiles?

If its pride or something, I believe there is still that special place in each others heart that is just waiting to be touched.


It’s the simplest thing on earth, but also the hardest to find. When I was a child, every time my friends and other people would ask me of what I want to be 1o years from then, I have the most of what someone would say what s/he wanted to be, but as I grow older, I learned that you won’t truly get the things as you planned and if you do, you will eventually realize that there is more to life than such, and that, I’ve realized what I really wanted in life.

I just want to be happy.

Why some relationships need to be ended drastically to the point of cursing each other? Whenever I recall some of my past relationships, all I can think are countless what if’s and what might have been. Sometimes you just can’t make explanations of why things happen when they wouldn’t be a part of your life anyway, or maybe if you are meant to learn from such, why through them?

Letting go is just one part of life each and every one is not exempted to. Memories, people, its very painful to think that one day, you will no longer get hold of the things most precious to you, that no matter how many tears you weep, the only thing you can do will be just reminisce.

I’m so afraid to see myself in that phase of my life someday. I’d rather be numb and indolence than to watch each pieces of what made me who I am slowly dripping off of my grip.

That’s why sometimes, I just prefer not to hold tight the things, I know, eventually will dessert me.

That point of feeling nothing anymore, im afraid of that, especially if it will be towards the person I wanted to spend my life with. Yung sabi nga ng iba na dumadating ang lahat ng relasyon sa puntong wala na talaga, pagod na.

Ayoko. Hindi pepwede.

Ang mga trulab ko


Compare to all the mornings I’ve woke up to, this one’s the most thankful and blessed I’ve ever felt. Its no strange for me to wake up alone, do the house chores myself, prepare my own food and eat alone, sleep with only pillows as my fellow. Its how my everyday goes by. I’m used to it and probably would live a life in the future same as how I live my life now. But you know what’s weird, this complete situation makes me even closer to the people im not with everyday. My mom, though she come home only every Friday of the week because of her work, I feel like she’s always in the house cooking foods for us like she used to when I was a child. I feel like she’s still waking me up every morning whenever I have a class to attend to. My father, though he would leave the house early and come late at night, I feel like he’s still hanging with us all day, constantly repeating his classic jokes with us booing him then and there. My sister, though she’s in school almost the entire day, I feel like I’m still talking to her about my stuffs, my personal secrets and even arguing with her about plenty of things we used to argue. I’m alone by the house all day, and maybe those sacrifices that each and everyone of us do for the sake of the family tie us even more.

Things started to be complicated when my father got stroked on the midst of October, right before his 43rd birthday. Thank God the damage wasn’t that severe, but the impact on our family, that the only breadwinner we have, turned into someone less strong, it brought us to our knees. That moment where we woke up in the morning with my father cant barely stand himself up and speak clearly, everything seemed went slow-mo. My mom was yelling ‘na-stroke ung papa nyo tawagan nyo mga auntie nyo !’, I was numb and speechless, but I can feel that my entire body was shaking. A part of me is shattered and the worst thing is I can do nothing but to stand and cry.

That night was a nightmare to me and my family. Every time we used to reminisce things, that part of our lives is a no no to tackle. I temporarily stopped school. My father is now doing good and were maintaining his health to be better and better and in god’s will, be as how his health was before he went through stroke. My father and my mother now work to regain the financial catastrophe we’ve experienced and also for me to continue my studies this coming October.

You can’t really conclude things. You can’t tell when and where a storm will hit you. And you can’t tell how long or how short you’ll be with your loved ones.

That experienced turned me into someone responsible, family oriented, and god-fearing even person I never was. We know that things happen for a reason and such those circumstances brought us to be even closer and happier with our lives.

I love my family, and that no storm will nor problem will part our ways. I know god is looking after us, and thus we will be happy and blessed no matter what. J

Of how I undergo such thing called ‘Metamorphosis’.

I want to be happy as if none of those problems are bothering me. I know it can’t happen overnight. But sometimes, I just really wish it would, who doesn’t?

I have plenty of scars I’m carrying within me, that no matter how much I ignore them, they just keep on staying, making me a less good person, over and over.

This is quiet humiliating but I, you know, I know no way to get rid of these insecurities but for the world to hear it straight from me.

I envy those girls who are much prettier than me. Ugh, I’m not pretty anyway, so its much correct to say, ‘girls who are pretty unlike me’. I don’t know why I have this kind of sickness within me. It’s like a poison that’s destroying all I need to be, and should be. Instead of having confidence with how I look, I always compare myself with someone who is more inferior, to someone who is more a head turner. I think its normal for everyone to envy someone, but mine’s eventually became a fear instead of a mere comparison.

It all started when I was still in the 4th grade, I’m all dark-skinned, kinky haired and so fat. Boys in our school used to tease me a lot and keep on labeling me numerous hurtful pseudo. Every time I arrived home, I instantly go to my room and weep. I feel so ugly. But things start to worsen when one day, I am walking home, a boy in the street shout ugly right in front my face. It was a total pride wreck for me, and on that day too, I make it to a point that me and that bastard will not meet ways again.

I went to high school and that fear’s still with me. I remember  like when I was in high school, I don’t bring any comb, face powder or a mirror, because all I’m thinking that phase of my life is, I will never be beautiful, no matter how much face powder I put on, no matter how many times I comb my hair each day.

On that time, rejection is a no strange thing for me. I have a crush, he don’t like me, and the one he like is our classmate who is much beautiful, much popular, and the one who is been courted by many, its my story and it just repeat every now and then, I’m used to it.

Since no one will like me based on how I look, I just focused on my studies until its been consistent for me being on the list of top notches, and yes, I regain a little confidence from it, but still not enough to take away the fears and the insecurity I’m always afraid for anyone to see.

The first crush ive ever had, I cried, the second, I wept, the third, we became boyfriends/girlfriends for 7 months but right after graduation, he broke up with me.

After that relationship (actually that’s the second I had, the very first one, ugh I cant remember anything about it), I started to bring myself up, I went to salons to straighten my hair, I started to use skin whitening lotions, I started to embrace changes, and pull strength out of nowhere, to somehow, this time, be appreciated, be valued.

Changes started to come; I’m noticing every single bit of it, very frolic of every little single bit of it. I don’t how and why but I just woke up one day with the society actually responding positively on the changes I worked hard for. I started to have suitors, telling that phrase really makes me shy, tsk, and that guy whom I had wept to, he courted me.

Things started to amend enormously that it became so weird and scary. I took a step back and reviewed the life I have seen this past 16 years, it’s very far from the one I’m looking at now, very far. I questioned myself of what I really wanted, of what really would make me happy. I’m doing good in school, I have my true friends, I have a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, I’m no longer afraid of what every one will say. I think I just found happiness, and this time im more confident, braver, and freer than ever.

Those persons who once gave me the drastic feelings I never imagined I had felt, I’m thankful of how they opened my eyes and my mind about the much important things in life, of how they made me realized that beauty is more than meets the eye.

Now, I’m all a better person than I was 16 years ago, I know I’m beautiful inside out, I’m witty, I’m god fearing, I’m not materialistic, not stereotype, and most of all, not anymore jailed by someone’s inferiority. And as this article comes to its end, I can truthfully say, that at this point of my life, I overcame insecurity. J