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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Post.


New Year's Eve. Busy-busihan na ang mga tao dito sa bahay, ako, wala nakikinig lang ng music habang tinatamad na kumilos kahit wala naman akong ginawa buong araw, ako na tamad. Anyway, ang ganda pala ng cover na toh ng Boys Avenue, lalo tuloy akong tinatamad. Btw, Happy New Year Bloggers =)

Friday, December 30, 2011

Segway.

Hindi ko alam kung ano kaburechechehan nanaman ang ipopost ko. Ganto kasi e, inlab ako, so sinusubukan kong magpost dito ng nakakakilig, kaso hindi ko kasi forte ang mangurot ng damdamin, ewan ko ba, hindi lang talaga kasi ata ako sweet. Kaya asahan mo ng mapakla-pakla na may panaka-nakang maarnibal na lasa ang mga susunod mong mababasa, ganoon e, baklang maton ako.

Inlab ako, sa parehang lalakeng kina-inlaban ko dalawang taon at dalawang buwan na ang nakakalipas. Sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan, hindi ako komportableng sabihin tong mga salita na toh, pero sige naumpisahan na e. Naku naman.

Sa lahat ng lalakeng nakilala ko, masasabi kong sya ang pinakamatino. Ayoko kasi ng mga lalakeng daig pa mga bakla kung mag-ayos, kung magself-grooming e over na sa over. Ayoko din ng puro DOTA tsaka kung ano-anong pangbatang gawain lang ang inaatupag. Minsan kasi nagkaroon ako ng boyfriend na tuwing magkikita kami e puro character sa DOTA ang ikinekwento sakin, mga long range, short range, scourge, skills, cooling time, sentinel, viper, mega kill, killing spree, god-like at kung ano ano pang DOTA jargons na hindi ko naman maintindihan. Para lang syang nakikipag-kwentuhan sa mga kabarkada nyang computer shop na ang ginagawang bahay. Hindi sa nagseselos ako sa DOTA, dahil napakawalang kwentang gawain ang magselos, lalo na sa mga ganoong mga bagay, ang babaw.

Teka nga, inlab nga pala ako. Back to the topic.

Kung may isang bagay ka na pinakagusto mo sa taong mahal mo ano yun?

Lahat.

Yun dapat ang sagot. Mata, ilong, lips, ngipen, kuyukot, ngala-ngala, buhok sa ilong, abs, susmarya, hindi ba dapat mas magandang marinig na gusto mo ang lahat sa kanya? Kung ikaw ba ang makakarinig na ang gusto sayo ng taong mahal mo e yung kilikili mo lang na maputi, hindi ba’t nakakainis yun? Sana pala nagging kili-kili ka na lang, ng sa ganoon e hindi mo na pagseselosan pati sarili mong kili-kili.

Ito ang isa sa mga problema ko, hindi ko kayang tumapos ng isang buong article na may iisang topic. Ewan ko ba, sadyang ganto lang talaga siguro ang utak ko, assorted. Lalo na pagdating sa mga bagay na alam kong may malaking koneksyon sa buhay ko, asahan mo, hindi ako magiging seryoso sa pagsulat, sa pagkwento.

Alam naman nya na-inlab ako sa kanya e. Siguro yun na lang muna sa ngayon.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Madaming beses na akong nakadaan sa mga hagdang may drawing na ganto pero ..



.. ako lang ba ang nag-iisang ang akala sa ganitong drawing noong bata pa e para lang sa mga natatae? Haha. Pag-genius nga naman XD 

Bidding Farewell.




It’s by accident that you came in my life, I never planned it neither you do. It’s just by God’s will that we met, and all the things happened, I know it wasn’t a part of your schema or whatever foolishness I have once thought you’re drowning me into. I believe you are a good guy, a kind hearted person, you, just like any other, just like me sometimes, has just been overwhelmed by the moment and had been indulged into something pathetic, into something not decent enough to be kept reminiscing, I know you didn’t meant it, I know you didn’t.

I know you never wanted to play with my feelings, I know you never intended to give me false hopes, its just I anticipated too much, its just I expected way beyond what you can give, or at least.  

Your only fault is that you’ve shown me a very insignificant affection, and the rest, it’s all mine. I tricked my own feelings, I trivialized my own acts, and without prior knowledge with the future consequences of the deeds I done, I went to a point where I have blamed you, cursed you even. And I know its all invalid. The miseries I have are only the resonance of what I’ve done.

Forgive me for blaming you all the pains I had, all the disappointments I reasoned you because. Forgive me for expecting more than the friendship I know, the most you can only give. Forgive me for the awkwardness we have now, the distance we have now.

I miss being friends with you, if only I can go back to those times where I am the one you’re calling at night. I am the one you’re getting advice to, I am the one your telling your plans to, I am the one who constantly making you laugh. How I wish, I can undo things.

I am finally, letting go of you, of your memory, and of all the things we had and lost. Some things just don’t last, unfortunately, ours doesn’t.

And for once and for all, I am bidding farewell.

Baby :’>



You can never really define love until someone will come and define it for you.

I’m not the type of person who’s always ‘pa-sweet’ and sorts whenever they are with the person they like. I would just be me, if he won’t notice me then so be it. But no matter how frigid and cold you are, there will always be that special someone who will turn you into the total reciprocal of who you used to be. And in my case, I’ve found that person.

Its feels so amazing realizing how gigantic the world is, with a billion numbers of strangers, and yet you’ve found that special apple among the mob, it’s magical. 

That feeling when a simple smile is melting every single heart beat you have, when a mere stare is shaking the entire strength out you. That no matter how much you focus on the words he speak, you can’t just resist to be amazed by how special the person talking in front of you is, by how lucky you are that in a billion of people in the world, he chose you.

You can’t help but to daydream about the both of you growing old together with, looking back to all the heart aches, pains and letting go, you know everything had been paid-off way beyond enough.

Hay love, it can really make you or break you. You can never predict what will going to happen, who will going to come. And that I’ve learned that searching, chasing for everything isn’t really a good thing to do.

 Wait, that’s what I did, patience, that’s what I’ve learned, the right guy, that’s who I’ve got. And now I’m happy, superbly happy. J

Monday, December 19, 2011

If you miss a grip of what’s keeping you still, you will fall for every pretenses people do. Not all emotions are significant, whereas feelings. Learn to be tough, because life’s a bitch, and so people are.

Kahel

Kungwari may sense ang mga susunod kung sasabihin, pwede ba yun?

Nakakaantok na hapon, Christmas break e wala ng pasok. Day off muna ako sa pakikipag-amazing race sa mga katulad kong walang kakayahang bumili ng sariling sasakyan (o maski ng pedicab) sa pagcommute. Tigil din muna ako sa pagpakyaw  ng tindang ‘kareyoka’ ni Aling baby tuwing breaktime, tigil muna sa pagbanyo ng mag-isa, pagkain ng mag-isa, pag-library ng mag-isa at ng lahat ng gawaing mas masaya kung may mga kasama kang gagawa (at hindi kasama yung nasa isip mo). At nga pala tigil din sa pag-abot ng allowance si ermat, kaya pati mga bechingko sa ilalim ng mga aparador e pinapatus ko na rin. Napakasimpleng hapon, alanganing end of the world na alanganing Jurassic era yung langit, ma-gray gray na may panaka-nakang budbud ng tangerine, napakaganda (ko).

Kakatapos ko lang ngumata ng buns na may palamang peanut butter na donasyon ng may ginintuan kong pusong tiyahin, medyo narinig nya ata yung parinig ko na gusto kong kumain ng tinapay na may peanut butter, napakabuti talaga ng diyos. Bago yun e kumain din ako ng kanin, ulam e corned beef na may patatas, kanina ko pang umaga ulam yun, ugali lang talaga kasi ng nanay ko na magluto ng ulam nila ni papa at namin ng kapatid ko na pangbuong araw na, kaya yung corned beef na may patatas namin, isang drum.

Kanina pang umaga na puro kain-tulog-computer lang ang ginagawa ko, walang magawa e. Ayoko rin naman maggala dahil bukod sa wala akong pera, wala talaga kong pera. Kaya eto, pagbuburo sa sarili na lang muna ang inaatupag ko.

Isang buong araw ko ng tinititigan yung  mga isda sa aquarium, buti pa yung mga isda hindi alam yung frustrations tsaka priorities. Wala din silang lovelife, ang love life nila e in the form of coitus lang, no more no less. Ganyan kaaastig ang mga isda, no emotions attached ang pakikipagtalik nila. Walang oohh ahh at kung ano ano pang chains and whips na sa hindi ko malamang dahilan e gustong gusto ng mga tao (naten). Sadyang cool lang talaga siguro ang mga isda, kamukha ng sadyang hayok lang talaga ang mga tao.

Nga pala ilang araw ng lang pasko na, tapos new year na, tapos valentines na, mahal na araw, araw ng kalayaan, Halloween, tapos pasko nanaman, new year tapos uulit nanaman lahat ng nasabe ko sa itaas. Ang bilis ng panahon, parang kailan lang tuwing pasko, si mama e binibihisan pa kaming magkapatid  na mula ulo hanggang paa e ternong terno, mula sa pagkakatali ng buhok, hanggang sa damit, sapatos, pati medyas e parehong pareho, kaya madalas e napagkakamalan kaming kambal kahit limang taon yung tanda ko sa kanya (ganyan ako ka-baby face).

Dadating nanaman ang new year na bukod sa usok, wala ka ng ibang makikita kundi mga kwitis na di mo alam e mukha mo na pala ang target. Magsusulputan nanaman sa kalye ang mga batang ‘watusi exhibitioner’, magsusulputan na rin yung mga iba pang katulad kong halos mangisay na sa kaba tuwing inuutasang bumili ng vetsin, paminta at kung ano ano pang sahog na hindi na lang tag-iisang sako ang binili sa palengke ng hindi na nalalagay sa panganib ang mga buhay naming mga hindi gaanong fans ng mga paputok.

Time out muna at magtitimpla muna ako ng juice, aba bu-mlue yung langit, kung kelan maggagabi na tsaka naman nagging maganda yung kalangitan.

Tama na muna toh sa ngayon, kakain na ulit ako.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Nagcover, makakapal mukha e. XD

SOMEONE LIKE YOU BY ADELE ( ALL FALL DOWN COVER )


Si Kath yung nag-papiano ako yung naawit.  Mga trying hard kami. Haha XD

Feeling Photographer .


Recto, Manila.
( Basta lang shinot ito, ang init kasi ng mga panahong yun, ang trapik pa kaya nilakad na lang namin hanggang Divisoria.)


Yung sapin na papel sa tray ng Mcdo yan nung nagkita kami ng labidabs ko, Wehehe ;)


Footbridge sa may SM Marikina, nakuhaan nung nakipag-inuman kami ng mga kaibigan ko sa isang special friend. :)


Sa bahay, walang magawa e.


Sa bahay ulit. Hehe


Oo, sa bahay ulit. Paulit-ulit.


Sa may school ko nung High School.


Sa bahay :) Ako yan. Haha :D


Parang awa nyo na hindi talaga ako photographer at hindi DSLR ang gamit ko kaya wag kayong bitch. Haha Try try leng :)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Siesta Time



Alam mo yung ang dami dami mong naiisip pero sa di mo malamang dahilan e ang hirap hirap nilang isulat. Siguro, o sabihin na nating kadalasan, sarili mo lang talaga ang maaring makaintindi sa iniisip, nararamdaman at sinasabe nito.

Alas dos ng hapon, nadatnan kong walang katao-tao ang klasrum, kalat-kalat ang mga upuan at bukas ang lahat ng bentilador kahit wala namang gumagamit, hay naku naman. Walang makausap, walang makakwentuhan, wala pa kasi akong nagiging kaibigan sa klase. Isang oras pa bago ang susunod na klase, pero kahit isang oras pa ang hihintayin ko e nagpasya na akong pumasok na ng mas maaga.

Ramdam ko ang lamig sa loob ng kwarto, bagama’t may di maikukubling init ang dumadampi sa aking balat buhat ng katirikan ng araw. Maaliwalas ang lahat, ang mga ulap ay mistulang malalambot na marshmallow na tila inaaya akong lumipad kasama nila, ang mga dahon ng puno’y pumapagaspas tila ba’y nag-aaya sa mundo ng katahimikan at paghimbing. Gusto kong makiisa sa paligid, ngunit sa kawalang kasangguni, hindi dapat ako magpa-ubaya.

Nakikita ko ang mga berdeng bulubundukin at ang pag-iibang kulay nito buhat ng pagsayaw ng mga ulap. Ang mga sasakyang tila laruan ay parang bata kong pinagmasdan. Ang mga nagtataasang damo na tila ba’y sumasayaw sa iisang kumpas. Ang mga ibong paisa-isang dumadapo sa mga puno, mataal tagal na rin noong una ko itong natangis, at sa magkaparehang pagkakataon, ganoon pa rin at ako’y nag-iisa.

Napangiti ako’t napahawak sa nililipad kong buhok, napakalayo ng lugar na ito sa sentro ng pagiging sosyal. Napakasimple ng lahat ng bagay, payak at taimtim na nabubuhay.

Di ko maikakailang may lungkot na kumukubli sa aking isipan. Wala akong karamay, wala akong maaaring makakwentuhan hinggil sa kagandahang nasisilayan ko. Wala akong maaaring hingian ng opinion kung saan kaya papunta ang daang iyon at iyon.

Maraming nawala sa akin, may mga dumating ngunit ano pa’t nawala din. Pag-ibig, kaibigan, pamilya at ambisyon. Saan ko nga ba gustong lumipad? Saan ko nga ba gustong manahan? Ano ang kinatatakutan ko? Ano ang meron sa akin na dapat ko pang tuklasin? Sino nga ba ako at ano nga ba ang silbi ko sa mundo? Sino ang mga totoong nagmamahal sa akin at sino ang mga dapat kong mahalin? Kasing sagana ng mga bulaklak ng puno ng mangga dulot ng nalalapit na pag-usbong ang mga katanungang tumitimo sa aking sentido.

Gusto kong sumaya. Gusto kong maging malaya. Gusto kong magmahal at mahalin din. Gusto kong mabuhay ng may kabuluhan, ng payak ngunit may katuturan.

Marami pang gustong itinta ang aking pluma, ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, hahayaan ko munang isip ko lang ang sumarili sa kanya.

Kapiling ng mga ulap at hangin, mahahanap ko din ang tunay kong tahanan.

Just another enigma.

Its cold.

The rain’s kissing our skins fatally leading us to commit crimes we’re not supposed to commit.

Your eyes, they’re telling me stories of wonderlands and fairytales, the child within my heart is becoming naïve as she always does.

This cold shivers my knees, I’m becoming brittle and brittle.

Your smiles, they’re giving me vivid envisages of lovely summer memories I can hold on forever. Your voice’s giving my ears song of lullabies, keeping me awake and wandering at the same time. It’s really adorable how you speak. Go and tell me more of those beautiful places you’ve seen, amazing people you’ve met.

I search and search for a refuge I can hide my self into, a peculiar light had invited my eyes, I seek for it, I sought for it and so I witnessed its superfluous identity. Coldness had been out powered by invincible warmth, now I am relieved, or just I thought.

You must be kidding! I’ve also did those silly things when I was younger. Ha-ha, we’d be partners in crime then if we’d already met each other that time. Screw us. Ha-ha.

This is so much empathy, can I just see your face? Can I? 

That was so much fun talking to you, but wait, something’s wrong, something’s not suppose to happen, don’t talk to me too much, stop making me smile, refrain from making me laugh to your jokes, I might love you. You don’t want it right, me neither.

My heart keeps on pounding so hard, I looked at you, you seem so calm and easy, how am I suppose to ride your this-is-no-big-deal thing when I’m all panicking inside? Your heart must be numb with ice and stone, whoever would be hurt, you don’t give a single fuck, if I will be, if she will be, or if you will be either, you don’t care. You don’t care.

You’re beautiful. Everything about you is so special. Hold me once and I’ll never free you. Go control everything in me, I am yours to exploit.

As I was in the midst of the motions of this and that, he touched my chin and slightly tilted my face, and to no avail, I was left just closing my eyes as the only option I have. As our faces got closer, I felt his breath warm and special, slowly flown to my veins, to my spine and to my heart. His lips touched mine. It was a kiss. We’ve kissed.

And I was frozen.

Wherever you will go, just go and take me there. I don’t care how long the journey will be, just take me with you, just please take me with you.

It’s like cold and warmth intertwined. It’s soothing, excruciatingly delightful, grotesquetically adorable. I’m running out of breath, I am grasping for air, but none of these made me refuse each and every friction I had with yours. Of how you’ve held me tight in your arms, of how you’ve filled each spaces between my fingers with yours, of how you’ve caressed my heart. I’ve fell for them, for those, for you. Tell me this will last, tell me where not playing fools. My heart would be drastically hurt if you say no.

In a matter of second, all the things including the peculiar light I’ve thought that’ll guide my path had been obscured by the darkness.

No words had been uttered but it was crystal clear that it was all part of his scheme. No feelings involved, no emotions attached, pure schema. I lose the game, I failed to guard the thing he degradedly destroyed.

 He’s done with me, and he’s off living his life as if I’ve never existed. I was emotionally smothered. He’d consumed all the sanity in me, leaving me no pride to reap. I should’ve seen it beforehand. I should have.

All of a sudden, he’d vanished. All of a sudden, I was left alone. All of a sudden, it was all a dream.








Saturday, December 3, 2011

Paranoia


Afternoon.

An hour of sleep felt good. Everything seems so peaceful and meek, the trees, the wind, the sun’s fading warmth, everything is in their halcyon, but not this piece of cardiac muscle residing beneath my ribs. Oh yeah, cliché. I know, not cool.

What am I going to post? My life’s one heck of a rollercoaster ride lately and I still can’t cope up. I hate this feeling I have right now. So uncertain.

I want to move on from something I’m not really permitted to stay. Should I stay or leave? It doesn’t really matter, no one will care.

I’m missing someone, like I want to see him every night, talk to him every single minute, go out to different places with him, discuss every ideals we have, plan, oppose and predict the future. And by the end of the day we will watch the sun set together, in each other’s arms, smiling, talking and calling ourselves ‘friends’.

Hehe yeah, friends. I’m okay with it, for in fact it’s the only relationship we could ever have, we could ever be. When he leave, I don’t have the right to chase after him, when he cry I don’t have the right to make him happy, when he bleed I don’t have the right to heal him, when his afraid I don’t have the right to hide him in my arms, when his worried I don’t have the right to assure him what lies ahead, when he’s sick I don’t have the right to take care of him, when his broken I don’t have right to fix him, and when everything in his life is falling apart, I don’t have the right to pick each single pieces for him. 

I am just his friend.  Only a friend. No more, no less.


Tading !

The rain is blowing hard outside. It’s not a good night for walking and some of the stuffs I usually do. I’m alone in the house, with my laptop, I’m trying to be someone as poetic as the coldness of the breeze, but then, I can’t. My mind’s too lazy to be somehow productive, or at least ‘convincible’. It’s been a while since I’ve posted something on this blog, so just to signal that I still exist, here, try to comprehend with these ramble thoughts me myself don’t even understand.

Oh rain, please be good. Can you please catalyze your amount and fall dramatically just like on the Hollywood movies, we’ve used to watch together? I need an inspiration. I really do, so rain, if you will not cooperate, all of this crap I have made, I will blame it onto you. Bleeh.

(-.-)

Oh yeah, an hour have already passed, and the rain, still as frolic as a clumsy child. I better end this thing now. By the way I made it to the dean’s list. Um, just nothing. Hehe.

Adios.

 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Dear, we are Forbidden.



I had never felt this free and convicted put together. It was never my plan to be that girl I know I never am. Life’s a gigantic ocean of lie and truth, but I went blind and numb to take a step without knowing how deep and cold the water would be. By the moment I find myself drowning, I closed my eyes and strongly hold each and every breath left, I take a step back, I went clueless of what pushed me to have a grasp of something I’m not even sure of, now there is nothing left but remorse and guilt. Death is only seconds away, now its too late to regret.


It started as sweet as the kiss of the morning breeze, pure and naïve. To let it just go has never been an option to me, for I make sure my walls are strong enough to not be brittle for any pretenses. That’s what I thought.


Nights went so gorgeous than most of the nights ive seen, I started believing that this feeling’s just beautiful, by nature beautiful, and there’s nothing to be worried about. That’s what I thought.


How a complete stranger became someone I started sharing my thoughts about many many things with? How I became careless of the things I said, emotions I showed and feelings I shared that im starting to forget my defenses. I gave myself a scrutinizing stare and told it to make sure things wont mess, I felt secured that I can still pause for a minute and put things to where they should be. But again, that’s what I thought.


Normal. That’s what I thought things are. But when I become even closer to him, closer than mere stares and skins fritting, I started to be afraid, be very afraid.


Its just a kiss. But whenever I reminisced that ‘kiss’, his smell, his heat, his hands intertwined with mine, how the moon is glaring with our souls, the humid brought by the sea, the coldness of the wind and the strong pounds of my heart, its not just a kiss. Its more than anything I,ve ever tasted. Way overwhelming than that of with someone I am really attached to. I mean legally attached to. 


We both went stupid. The both of us are undeniably committed, he’s already married and I have a boyfriend of two years now. How dumb and truce I became! 


Now I don’t know how to act like nothing really happened, pretend that nothing really mattered. I would be a great liar if I would say that I didn’t mean anything about it, for in fact, I like every single thing we did, that I can’t help but to replay them in my mind every single night. 


Love. It’s what I feel, yes, it’s what I really feel. But I don’t have any right to have that feeling for him, for in any possible angle, we can’t really be, never will be.


I guess this feeling will vanish too, I know it would be so hard, but letting go is just the right thing to do. It would take weeks, months, and maybe years, but I know I’ll be over him too. I’ll be over him too.


Its just a kiss. I loved him once, and for me, that would always be enough.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Sermon

If life is giving you so many burdens, take a step back and scheme.

Lumaki akong palaging may dala-dalang problema sa bawat hibla ng buhok ko, mahirap lumaking mahirap, pero hindi iyon ang pinoproblema ko, walang kaso sa akin kung ipananganak man akong mahirap o mayaman, ang pinoproblema ko e ang hindi pantay na oportunidad para sa lahat dala ng hindi pantay pantay na antas ng pamumuhay. Pera, hindi rin iyan ang problema ko, ang problema ko e ang kababawan ng realidad na kapag wala ka nito, hindi ka mabubuhay.

Kung marami kang pera makakapag-aral ka sa mga prehistiyosong unibersidad, kung sasabihin mo namang bobo ka, pwede kang mag-hire ng mga pinagkakapitagang tutor ng sa ganun e makapasa ka sa unibersidad na gusto mong pasukan. Kung marami kang pera at hindi ka kagandahan e may remedyo dyan, andyan si belo at calayan na nakangiti lang at nag-aantay sayong dagdagan pa ang kaban kaban na nilang kayamanan, kung minimal lang ang kapangitan mo e noselift, butox at unting bleach lang yan, pero kung mas maganda pa sayo si rene requestas kahit partidang lalaki pa sya (peace be with you idol) e over-haul na siguro ang kailangan mo. Kung tutuusin kapiraso lang iyan ng papel pero sa kasamaang palad, yan ang pinakamahalaga – sa iba, sa nakakarami.

Napakaraming pa-éklat ng mundo na minsan wala naman talagang significance. Ang maganda para lang kuno sa gwapo, ang panget exclusively for pangit lang din, wala nang rason rason, ganun talaga. Ang mahirap kahit anong gawing pagbungkal sa lupa mahirap pa din, samantalang ang mayaman pa-sitting sitting pretty lang nagkakapera na, milyon milyon pa. Ang daming nagpapatayan ng dahil lang sa mga bagay na mas mababaw pa sa tubig ng kanal, di lang nakakanta ng maayos si kwan sa videoke dahil panay si kwan na lang ang  nakanta e ayun nagsaksakan na. Si kwan naman e napagtsismisan lang ni ano na ganyan at ganire e si tsismosa at buong pamilya ni tsismosa e pinatay na, instant massacre , walang kakibot-kibot!

Noong isang araw din habang nagmamasid-masid ako sa facebook e napadpad ako sa isang fanpage na naglilista ng mga Dk kuno na madalas nagpupunta sa gamol (Dk ata e malandi). Mga mahigit ata nasa 20 ang mga nakalista dun, may mga nakapost pa na picture. Natawa, nababawan at naawa ako sa mga nabasa kong koment sa mga taong nasa Dk list. Babuyan kung babuyan. Mantakin mong ang dami daming tao na hindi ka naman kilala at hindi mo rin lalo kilala ang magsasabi ng kung ano-anong masasakit at masasama tungkol sayo? Kung ako nga nakaramdam ng awa para sa kanila, ano pa kaya ang mga mismong taong nasa listahan na yun, sa mga mababasa mo pa lang, malamang ilang araw ka ding magkukulong sa kwarto’t ngangawa. Iyan ang isang hindi ko na talaga maintindihan sa mga kabataan sa ngayon, magpapadami ng kaibigan, magpapasikatan, kungwari palageng sarap-sarap buhay, punta sa ganyan inom sa ganto, pagkatapos ng kanya-kanyang gamitan, ayun na at maglalaglagan, kanya kanya ng iwanan sa ere. Paikot-ikot lang yun. Blah blah blah.

Lovelife. Isa din yan sa mga problema ko pero hindi ko na masyadong pinagtutuunan ng pansin dahil sa edad kong ito, hindi pa naman talaga dapat. Pero at isa uling malaking PERO, ang dami, actually, ang dami-daming mga kabataang halos jan na paikutin ang buong buhay nila. Walang katapusang aylabyuhan sa facebook, mismong newsfeed e ginagawa ng isang episode ng xerex at take note, mga hindi pa pala graduate ng high school. Ano ber ! Dinadaig nyo pa ako. Isa talaga sa mga concern ko e iyong early pregnancy (patalon talon ang mga pinagsasabi ko, u-mo-o ka na lang). Hindi ako naaawa sa nabuntis at nangbuntis, naaawa ako sa magulang tsaka sa magiging anak. Imbes na suklian mo ang lahat ng paghihirap ng mga magulang mo para sayo, e dagdag gastusin nanaman sa gatas, diapers, mga gamut at vitamins ang ibibigay mo sa kanila. Tumatanda rin sila, at hindi lang dapat puro ikaw, puro sayo. Madalang kang makakakita ng mga kasulatang ‘obligasyon ng anak ang magulang’ pero, bilang may kaluluwa, konsensya at puso, hindi mo lang yun basta obligasyon, RESPONSIBILAD mo iyon, kung meron ka man nung tatlo nabanggit sa itaas. Oo panahon ng pag-eeksperimento at paghahanap sa sarili ang pagiging tinedyer, pero walang nagsabing panahon din ito ng pagiging iresponsable. Sa bagong buhay na binuo ninyo, sama-sama na kayong tatlong walang patutunguhan, at ineng hindi maganda iyon diba? Sa kahit anong rason at palusot, hindi talaga iyon maganda.

Gera, prostitusyon. Epidemya, hindi pagkakasundo-sundo ng mga relihiyon, lahi, korapsyun, bagyo, pera. Napakarami pang ibang problema ng mundo, hindi mabilang.

Teka, ang dami dami kong problemang binanggit pero hindi naman talaga lahat ng yun ay akin (maliban na lang doon sa nauna, akin na akin talaga yun). Siguro lahat lang talaga ng tao may problema, kung wala kang problema malamang hindi ka tao. Ang problema parang excuse lang yan ng napakaraming politiko, hindi nauubos. Imbes na basta lang problemahin, bakit hindi na lang solusyunan, kung wala talagang solusyon e wag na lang problemahin.

Masyado nang mahaba tong panenermon ko. Ngayon pinoproblema ko naman kung paano ko ito tatapusin. Tsk.

Grr, brain overload ! ay este brain drain pala. Wala na kong maisip, kaya ayun, blanko. Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot.








Friday, November 4, 2011

To the man i love the most :)

Actually, this is supposedly a post last October 28 pero wala lang akong net nun so ngayon na lang, hihi.

Happy happy birthday Papa ! I love you so much, everyday and for infinity. No words can best describe how thankful and blessed i am to be your child. Palage lang akong andito para alagaan ka. I wish the best in life, good health and more faith to God. Pagnagkatrabaho na ako ililibot ko kayo ni mama sa buong mundo. Haha. I love you so much Pa, Happy birthday :)

haha. Owyeah. :D

Drooling.



Gusto ko ng matulog pero ayaw pa ako paghimlayin ng kokote kong panay pa rin sa pagtakbo. Ano nanaman ang idadaldal ko? Tsk. Sige. 

Kakatapus ko lang pala basahin yung librong Orosa-Nakpil, Malate. Maganda sya, sobrang makakarelate ang mga kapasisterhood natin sa gay community. Very informative din sya kasi sobrang gigisingin nya yung utak mo regarding the risk of having multiple sex partners and also doing the deed without any protection. Mas lalo ding lalawak ang kaalaman mo sa HIV/AIDS. Pero hindi lag naman toh tungkol dun, umiikot din ang istorya sa paghahanap ng bidang homosexual ng trulab.

Kaya sa tingin ko dapat talaga tong mabasa ng mga umeskemberloo jan, very informative and worth reading !

Nostalgia


His absence lingers in my every vein, excruciatingly kills each second of momentum. I never had imagined that i will be this head over heels with love, with him. My plan of just letting things to go hand in hand with fate, unaware, had surfaced into a chapter of my tale rather than a pure schema. I'm dying with guilt, guilt is killing me, I owe a lot from guilt, and guilt itself now turn into an enigma I'll never wish for him to witness.


He's all i wanted in my life, more than any other things i thought i like the most. Every inch of him, every bit of his existence, every detail of his physic is an addiction to me, stronger than the heroine of those who are sick by health and sick by soul. I'm craving for a single taste, for a single tranquility. I love him to death, to reincarnation, perpetually I'll suffer, no remorse I will make.


Between his smile and tears I want to fall asleep, between his heart and manhood I want to suffer and die. I opt no ears to hear me, no hands to reach for mine, no help to rescue me -- im happily trapped and used, resoundingly loved and valued. As I wake up to fall asleep, as I breath to be killed then, no shattered dignity nor exploited flesh will be inculcated with my doom. I'm happy. Overwhelmingly satisfied.


I'm a child lost in a dream, and his body is my wonderland. He let me then play, let me then seek happiness. As you goes by with this not so vivid article, I protest if you conclude that I'm martyr and insane. I'm no martyr for I'm a slave ( its the way it should be ) , I'm no insane for I'm mentally vindicated. if you would not believe still then so be it. I'm in cloud 9 brought by his affection and you cant blame me for that.


This narcolepsy is getting deeper and deeper, worse and worse, magical than ever. I cant associate no word but BEAUTIFUL. Lost by his stare, lost by his weight over me, im running for my breath, as I close my eyes and dream, I achieve of sanctuary, of bloody soul and innocence. I grab for a blanket to cover my impurities, and as I open my eyes, face the reality and tilt my head up, he wiped away my tears, kiss my fears off of me, took away my blanket and cover me with his heat and his wholeness now exclusively mine.


" I love you . "


He whispered in my ears, as we sleep through the night, with the moon and the stars as our only witnesses ..





.. of our sweetest sin, we, forever will commit.

Melancholy.


Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and wander ..

Thursday, November 3, 2011

CHANGE – You seem so improbable.


I am not the most lovable person in the planet but when I love, I give my all. People misunderstood me for not being serious on any relationship that I embrace, and I can’t blame them for that, that’s my defense mechanism. Most often than not, I am showing the robust side of me so that I can protect something soft on the inside.

I show how I feel through the things and way I know simple but sincere. I am not a fan of gifts, chocolates, roses and some of those clichés, for I firmly believe that love is more than those fancy-fancy things. So when it comes to receiving some things, I’d rather receive a letter.

The longest relationship I’ve been is 2 years, and yes we’re counting still. We’ve just celebrated our 2nd anniversary last Oct. 25th and, yeah, um, things start to go sour. He’s always busy, and I understand him though. He is a good and a diligent man and I commend him for that. He’s always about his family and that thing about him really impresses me the most, but, I think he’s starting to be over occupied by that thinking that he’s starting to forget that he’s growing old, that he starting to forget me, he’s starting to forget us.
He’s very much different unlike any other guys. He would go malling simply wearing a shirt, his jersey shorts and a pair of slippers. He also care less about how he look, how his hair look, he could even spend the rest of the day without putting stuffs on his face in which some guys of his age wouldn’t be so cool about. He is very simple, way simpler than a piece of a blank paper.

When we’re together, he would constantly kiss me in the hands, in my cheek, in my forehead, in my shoulder, in my neck etc, and would tell me words of love almost every 3 minutes. He’s sweet in his own ways without forgetting to be gentleman still.

He would tell me to stop smoking, stop drinking and he even contradict me of my plan of getting a tattoo. ‘Paano kapag nangailangan ng dugo yung anak naten e di hindi na pwede yung sayo? Pagkulang yung akin e paano na.’ He would tell me that every time I open the topic about me getting a tattoo and he never fails to make me think twice no more of him being the person I will be spending forever with. I’ve never been this appreciated and secured like when I’m with him, in my entire life. I am the eldest child prior for me to have all the obligations, expectations and responsibilities, but when I’m with him, I feel so relieved and free from all the fears.

So what’s the problem now?

He’s changing. He wouldn’t even text me for weeks, and one time he forgot to greet me on our monthsary with his reason that he slept the whole day. Who do you think your fooling huh, slept for two consecutive days? Common, tsk !

He is the second boyfriend I had, and if our relationship didn’t work well, im  going to make sure that the third one will be the last.

Geez.

Hypocrites



Head-turner ako. Oo inuulit ko head turner ako, ngunit hindi dahil sa maganda ako o malaki man ang ano sa akin, head turner ako dahil pang-out of this world ang mga paniniwala ko sa buhay, kaya siguro ayun, naglalabasan lahat sa pagmumukha ko, sa mga taong nakakasalubong ko, para akong alien, kakaiba, weirdo, abnormal.

Tuwing nagpupunta ako sa mall, pagpasok ko pa lang anjan na yung mga clerk na kung makatitig e kala mo abay merong nakadikit na ari sa noo ko, yung iba magbubulungan pa sabay magtatawanan, ngumingiti na lang ako, at least sikat.

Noong isang araw din may nakasakay akong tatlong lalaki, yung isa natatawa na nagpipigil lang, tinitigan ko sya ng mabuti mula ulo hanggang paa, maka-sampung beses ko atang ginawa yun, natahimik sya, nakukuha naman pala sa tingin e. Yung dalawa nyang kasama nahalata atang iniintimidate ko yung kasama nilang isa kaya mga nagsidungawan na lang sa bintana, at ayon sa obserbasyon ko, mukha silang mga construction worker, construction worker nga ata talaga sila dahil sa mga bitbit nilang mga gamit, at yung isa dun schoolmate ko noong high school, nasa lower section nga lang sya, so ibig sabihin nun, hindi sila kagwapuhan, hindi katalinuhan, hindi pa kabaitan, kung semplang sila sa lahat ng yun, anong karapatan nilang magpakita ng hindi kagandahang asal sa iba?

Noong nakarating din ako sa mall e pagpasok ko dun sa isang stall ng mga cellphone e may nasalubong akong tatlong babaeng biglang nagsipagtawanan pagkalagpas ko sa kanila, wtf?! Siguro mga kasing edaran ko lang yung mga yun, pero masasabi kong mas responsible ako sa kanila, kilos pa lang nila, halatang mga immature na.

Kasalanan ko bang mas matalino kung nagagamit ang kalayaang meron ako kumpara sa iba? Wala akong pakialam sa pananamit ko, sa ayos ng buhok ko o maski sa pagkakayari ng mukha ko, hindi dahil sa gusto kong maging sikat at mas magings angat sa iba, ginagawa ko yun dahil sa ganoong paraan ako mas komportable.

Hindi ako naiinis o nagagalit sa mga taong stereotypical kung mag-isip, bagkus naaawa ako para sa kanila. Matutulog sila sa gabing natatawa dahil sa nakasalubong nilang babaeng may kakatuwang buhok at pananamit kanina, pero bukas paggising nila, ano? Nakakulong sila sa paniniwalang hindi sila magiging katulad noong babae dahil ayaw nilang mapagtawanan, ayaw nilang mga mapagbulungan ng mga kapareahas nilang mapanghusga. Mabubuhay silang bilanggo sa takot sa mga sasabihin ng iba, tatanda silang blanko, mamamatay silang playing safe.

At least ako masayang nabubuhay sa mga paniniwala ko, wala akong pinagsisisihan at lalong lalo nang wala akong gustong baguhin, meron akong mga totoong kaibigan at mga magulang na nuknukan ng supportive. Ang pinakamagandang idinulot sa akin ng lahat ng ito, meron akong espesyal na kakayahang makita ang tunay sa peke, nakikita at natatangis ko ang tunay sa pagpapanggap.

Kaya ikaw, sa susunod na titingnan mo ako ng masama, sige lang.

Medicol.


Ang bigat bigat ng ulo ko, siguro lumipat na sa bunbunan ko yung babae sa shutter (wehe korni). Ilang araw na din kasi akong walang maayos na tulog, pag-aaral, pamilya, pera, pera, pera, relihiyon, pera, boypren, pera tsaka mga hubad na litrato ni akihiro sato , ilan lang ang mga yun sa kumukutkut sa kokote ko nitong mga nakaraan. Ilang araw na lang papasok na ako, kinakabahan ako hindi dahil wala akong kakilala, kinakabahan ako kasi baka hindi perfect fit yung uniform na pinatahi ko, ayoko ng magmukhang kurtina magpakailanman.

Noong nag-enroll ako ang dami kong nakitang mga bagong mukha, karamihan pagkakaganda, pero wala akong pakialam, kahit pa kasi nuknukan pa sila ng pangit wala pa din akong pakialam, wala.

Anyway, tayo ay tumalon na lamang sa ibang paksa.

Nitong mga nakaraan, tinatamad na akong gumamit ng mga social networking sites (Facebook, Tumblr) kung hindi kasi pa-like ang bubungad sayo paglog-in mo sa Fb e paggawa ng fansign, penge ng ganito at ganire at kung ano-ano pang pabor sa kanila. Meron pa nga akong isang nakita doon na gumawa ng sarili nyang fanpage na kung tutuusin e, hm, mukha namang mabait pero kinulang nga lang sa magic sarap ang pagmumukha na award na award ang pangangarir sa pagpapalike ng fanpage nya. Hindi naman sa kontrabulate ako sa mga gumagawa ng sarili nilang mga fanpage, ang sakin lang, wag kang mamalimos sa akin ng like o sa kahit sino pa, dahil ang fanpage dong in the very first place, ay dapat gawin ng mga fans at hindi ng mismong may fan kuno, at isa pa, hindi iyan mandatory, buti sana kung may libreng isang kilo ng bigas ang bawat isang magla-like sa page mo e ayos ayos pa. Gumawa ka ng isang daang fanpage mo o kahit ilan pa ang gusto mo, pero, wag na wag kang lalapit sa akin, intiende? Osha peace be with you.

Kaek- ekan.



Minsan nakakatamad ng sundin ang mga ‘dapat’ ng buhay. Bakit naman kasi lahat ng kasiyahan sa mudo palageng kailangang may pre-requisite. Kailangang dumaan ka muna sa kung ano-anong rimburak para makatikim ng kending hindi rin magtatagal e lilipas at matutunaw din sa bibig mo.

Life.

Kung iisipin e napakasimpleng salita lang, aapat na titig nga lang, pero kung susubukan mong intindihin at pagkaisipan ng mabuti, malalaman mong dun umiikot ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo. Maski ikaw.

Yung inaakala mong mga bagay na natutunan mo na e wala pa pala sa kalahati ng mga dapat mo pang malaman. Pagnakaranas ka ng sobrang lungkot iisipin mong hindi lahat sa buhay e puro saya, puro tawanan, at kung nakaranas ka naman ng sobrang kasiyahan maiisip mong lahat ng bagay kahit ilan pang bagyo ang dumating e may sisilay pa ring liwanag, at sa minsanang mga pagkakataon e di mo maiiwasang makaranas ng pakiramdam na parang wala ka ng maramdaman, wala kang makitang rason pero nasasaktan ka, walang dahilan pero sa puso mo alam mong masaya ka, at kung minsan, wala kang maramdaman, blanko, yung tipon wala talaga. Sa mga pagkakataong yun, doon mo masasabing inosente ka pa talaga.

Hindi lahat ng nasa mundo e kayang bigyang rason ng buhay. Dumating pa nga ako sa puntong naiisip kong tayong mga tao e mistulang mga puppet lang na pinapagalaw ng kung sino man.

Naniniwala ako sa Diyos, walang duda yun. Mas okey ng may pinapaniwalaan kesa wala. Marami na akong nakitang mga pangyayari na lalong nagpatatag ng paniniwala ko sa kanya, at kung ano man ang mga yun, akin na lang siguro sila. Hehe

Sana makita ko rin balang araw yung bagay na kahit ako hindi ko alam kung ano, ang gulo? Tsk.

Inantok ako bigla. Iidlip muna ako.











MOVIEMARATHON


  • Ladda Land
  • Phobia
  • Phobia 2
  • The House
  • Despicable Me
  • Diary of a Wimpy Kid
  • Extreme Movie
  • Final Destination 1
  • Final Destination 2
  • Final Destination 3
  • Final Destination 4
  • Final Destination 5
  • Friday the 13th
  • Nightmare at Elm’s Street
  • Freddie vs. Jayson
  • Kick Ass
  • Night of the Demons
  • Saw 7 
  • Scary Movie 3
  • Scary Movie 5
  • The Last House on the Left
  • The Notebook
  • Nightmare Before Christmas
  • Vampire Sucks
  • The Three Idiots
  • Dead Silence
  • Charlie and The Chocolate Factory


So, iyan ang listahan ng mga pelikulang napanuod ko sa buwan na ito. Hehe. Wala lang, gusto ko lang i-share. Kung tatanungin mo ako kung anong pinakamaganda sa mga yan para sa akin, yung The Notebook tsaka The Three Idiots. Gusto ko sana ikwento kung bakit kaso baka ma-overwhelm nanaman ako’t umarangkada nanaman ang pagiging madaldal ko, kaya wag na lang. Kung sa horror naman e, yung Phobia 1&2 tsaka yung Dead Silence, at saka yung Nightmare at Elm’s Street.

Okey din yung Nightmare before Christmas tsaka Charlie and the chocolate Factory dahil sa pagiging musical nila, mga gawa ba naman kasi ni Tim Burton, pati yung isa pa nyang pelikula, yung The Corpse Bride maganda din, parang makabagong Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Gusto ko rin yung Despicable Me tsaka Kick Ass. Sa comedy naman, Scary Movie 3 tsaka Vampire Sucks. Haha naaalala ko pa lang yung Vampire Sucks natatawa na ako. Tsk tsk.

Kung movie franchise e yung Final Destination winner na winner talaga. Gusto ko simula 1 hanggang 5. Favorite ko e yung 3, 2, tsaka 5.

Yung ibang hindi ko namention e okey din naman, mas gusto ko nga lang yung mga nabanggit ko. Hehe. So ayun. J

Segway lang.

OH-MY-GAWWWD.

Nagrent lang ako ngayon dahil wala akong panload sa broadband ko. Hindi iyon ang ino-owmygawd ko, kundi ang babaeng may kachat sa likod ko. oh my delilah talaga, gusto ng magcollapse ng utak ko kakaenglish nya sa kachat nyang kano. gusto ko ng magkacardiac arrest. Hay nako naman.

So ayun, sher lang :S

Random


  1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  probably 25.
  2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? both. having nothing by the end of the day does hurt in either way.
  3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? because that's how life is designed to be. we aren't born with a suitcase full of papers testifying reasons of how and whys. because if we do, just imagine how boring life will be.
  4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? maybe. depends.
  5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? its perception about many many things, religion, social status. etc.
  6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?loving.
  7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?sometimes both. Life is a balance of lie and truth. 
  8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? by living my life like it would be the last, hehe cliche. 
  9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? uh, pass.
  10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? doing the right things. people will always say something to you, and that's what i worry most.
  11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? do the right thing, defend my friend and tell them how good she really is. and also not to judge people. this might put me and my relationship to them at risk but at least i stand for what is right.
  12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? trust god.
  13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes. because what matter by the end of the day is still, God's Law.
  14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? hm.
  15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Stare at people whom i find pitiful and pray for them just inside my head.
  16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? because we are all different, genuinely different.
  17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? show the people i love that i really care for them. uh, i dont know what's holding me back. maybe the fear that they would reciprocate the feeling? uh dont know.
  18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes, i do.
  19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? im happy here.
  20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? uh no. im the kind of person who would not waste my energy to things i know not really worth wasting to. and also, im the most patient person you could ever know. 
  21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? both.
  22. Why are you, you? because im not anyone else.
  23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? yep.
  24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? the latter.
  25. What are you most grateful for? my family, my life, my friends and the lessons god let me know everyday.
  26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? neither.
  27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? in some circumstances, maybe.
  28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? no. hope wont. 
  29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? not anymore
  30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? um, my very 1st birthday i guess.
  31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? during my high school  days.
  32. If not now, then when? uhuh.
  33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? --
  34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? oh yeah. hihi <3
  35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? maybe because of the many differences and the million reasons behind it.
  36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes. God equipped us with the ability to comprehend, and besides, we have the so called 'conscience'.
  37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? no. 
  38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? depends on my mood. 
  39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? hell yeah.
  40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? i do thaeveryday. believe it or not.
  41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? none. 
  42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? no, never.
  43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? being alive is being able to breath, to eat, to walk, to run and to do stuffs, but being truly alive is living for something you know worth dying for.
  44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? everyday. life's too short to play safe.
  45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? its not having such mistakes that holding us back, but to stereotypes who always say something even without knowing the real story behind.
  46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? dread and color my hair, get a tattoo, enroll for a theater arts course.
  47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? geez.
  48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? pass.
  49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? depends.
  50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? this is my life. they have theirs and i have mine, do you suppose i will let others live my life for me? no.