Pag-ibig nga kasi.

Ang sarap sarap magmahal. Lalo na pag-alam mong mas mahal ka noong taong mahal mo. Yung tipong makita mo lang sya tanggal na lahat ng stress mo sa buhay, pati gutom tanggal. Pinakapaborito kong gawin sa buhay ko e yang magmahal, dyan kasi wala kang perang nagagastos, nagkakaroon ka pa ng emotional investment na kung maibebenta lang e milyones na siguro ang kapalit.

Ang saya saya sa pakiramdam kapag yung taong gusto mong mahalin e hinayaan kang mahalin mo sya, habang sya, ibinabalik sayo yung pabor. Parang life cycle, pinupunan nyo ang pangangailan ng bawat isa habang kayong dalawa, masayang nabubuhay.

Parang Bluetooth, parang infrared at signal. Hindi nakikita ng mata pero tagos tagos  ang impact sa puso.

Yung mga simpleng usapan na kahit kwentuhan lang tungkol sa kung anung inulam nyo kagabi e babalik-balikan mo pa. Yung para kang tala na pagna-aalala mo e pakurap kurap pa yung mata mo sa kilig. Mga simpleng bagay na kung tutuusin napakabababaw pero kung pwede lang e i-bobote mo ng hindi kumawala sa isipan mo.

Yung boses nya, yung paraan ng kung paano ka nya titigan, yung mga pasimpleng holding hands ninyo, mga sinasariwang first kiss at first anniversary na kulang na lang e buong araw mo ng ikwento sa kaibigan mo sa sobrang gustong kumawala na parang pusa sa dibdib mo lahat ng pakiramdam at emosyon na naiparamdam nya sayo.

Kung bakit ako nakakapagsalita ng ganito? Kasi naman, kung makakwento tong katabi ko tungkol sa lablayp nya e kala mo ba’y kahapon lang ipinanganak sa mundo. Malalim na ang gabi, malaim na din ang eyebags ko. Makatulog na nga. Yan na lang muna sa ngayon. Magandang gabi Blogspot !

( replay lang ang post na toh. hehe)

Fragments

It’s so trivial how circumstances and time change a person in the blink of the eye. The people whom you once share your laughters and tears with are now the people you can’t even ask of the simplest things you can ask to strangers.

Ex-boyfriends, Ex-bestfriends/friends. Why is it that the people you are close with are also the same people who can give you the coldest spaces, glares and smiles?

If its pride or something, I believe there is still that special place in each others heart that is just waiting to be touched.

Happiness.

It’s the simplest thing on earth, but also the hardest to find. When I was a child, every time my friends and other people would ask me of what I want to be 1o years from then, I have the most of what someone would say what s/he wanted to be, but as I grow older, I learned that you won’t truly get the things as you planned and if you do, you will eventually realize that there is more to life than such, and that, I’ve realized what I really wanted in life.

I just want to be happy.

Why some relationships need to be ended drastically to the point of cursing each other? Whenever I recall some of my past relationships, all I can think are countless what if’s and what might have been. Sometimes you just can’t make explanations of why things happen when they wouldn’t be a part of your life anyway, or maybe if you are meant to learn from such, why through them?

Letting go is just one part of life each and every one is not exempted to. Memories, people, its very painful to think that one day, you will no longer get hold of the things most precious to you, that no matter how many tears you weep, the only thing you can do will be just reminisce.

I’m so afraid to see myself in that phase of my life someday. I’d rather be numb and indolence than to watch each pieces of what made me who I am slowly dripping off of my grip.

That’s why sometimes, I just prefer not to hold tight the things, I know, eventually will dessert me.

That point of feeling nothing anymore, im afraid of that, especially if it will be towards the person I wanted to spend my life with. Yung sabi nga ng iba na dumadating ang lahat ng relasyon sa puntong wala na talaga, pagod na.

Ayoko. Hindi pepwede.

Ang mga trulab ko

ANG MGA TRULAB KO.

Compare to all the mornings I’ve woke up to, this one’s the most thankful and blessed I’ve ever felt. Its no strange for me to wake up alone, do the house chores myself, prepare my own food and eat alone, sleep with only pillows as my fellow. Its how my everyday goes by. I’m used to it and probably would live a life in the future same as how I live my life now. But you know what’s weird, this complete situation makes me even closer to the people im not with everyday. My mom, though she come home only every Friday of the week because of her work, I feel like she’s always in the house cooking foods for us like she used to when I was a child. I feel like she’s still waking me up every morning whenever I have a class to attend to. My father, though he would leave the house early and come late at night, I feel like he’s still hanging with us all day, constantly repeating his classic jokes with us booing him then and there. My sister, though she’s in school almost the entire day, I feel like I’m still talking to her about my stuffs, my personal secrets and even arguing with her about plenty of things we used to argue. I’m alone by the house all day, and maybe those sacrifices that each and everyone of us do for the sake of the family tie us even more.

Things started to be complicated when my father got stroked on the midst of October, right before his 43^rd birthday. Thank God the damage wasn’t that severe, but the impact on our family, that the only breadwinner we have, turned into someone less strong, it brought us to our knees. That moment where we woke up in the morning with my father cant barely stand himself up and speak clearly, everything seemed went slow-mo. My mom was yelling ‘na-stroke ung papa nyo tawagan nyo mga auntie nyo !’, I was numb and speechless, but I can feel that my entire body was shaking. A part of me is shattered and the worst thing is I can do nothing but to stand and cry.

That night was a nightmare to me and my family. Every time we used to reminisce things, that part of our lives is a no no to tackle. I temporarily stopped school. My father is now doing good and were maintaining his health to be better and better and in god’s will, be as how his health was before he went through stroke. My father and my mother now work to regain the financial catastrophe we’ve experienced and also for me to continue my studies this coming October.

You can’t really conclude things. You can’t tell when and where a storm will hit you. And you can’t tell how long or how short you’ll be with your loved ones.

That experienced turned me into someone responsible, family oriented, and god-fearing even person I never was. We know that things happen for a reason and such those circumstances brought us to be even closer and happier with our lives.

I love my family, and that no storm will nor problem will part our ways. I know god is looking after us, and thus we will be happy and blessed no matter what. J

Of how I undergo such thing called ‘Metamorphosis’.

I want to be happy as if none of those problems are bothering me. I know it can’t happen overnight. But sometimes, I just really wish it would, who doesn’t?

I have plenty of scars I’m carrying within me, that no matter how much I ignore them, they just keep on staying, making me a less good person, over and over.

This is quiet humiliating but I, you know, I know no way to get rid of these insecurities but for the world to hear it straight from me.

I envy those girls who are much prettier than me. Ugh, I’m not pretty anyway, so its much correct to say, ‘girls who are pretty unlike me’. I don’t know why I have this kind of sickness within me. It’s like a poison that’s destroying all I need to be, and should be. Instead of having confidence with how I look, I always compare myself with someone who is more inferior, to someone who is more a head turner. I think its normal for everyone to envy someone, but mine’s eventually became a fear instead of a mere comparison.

It all started when I was still in the 4^th grade, I’m all dark-skinned, kinky haired and so fat. Boys in our school used to tease me a lot and keep on labeling me numerous hurtful pseudo. Every time I arrived home, I instantly go to my room and weep. I feel so ugly. But things start to worsen when one day, I am walking home, a boy in the street shout ugly right in front my face. It was a total pride wreck for me, and on that day too, I make it to a point that me and that bastard will not meet ways again.

I went to high school and that fear’s still with me. I remember  like when I was in high school, I don’t bring any comb, face powder or a mirror, because all I’m thinking that phase of my life is, I will never be beautiful, no matter how much face powder I put on, no matter how many times I comb my hair each day.

On that time, rejection is a no strange thing for me. I have a crush, he don’t like me, and the one he like is our classmate who is much beautiful, much popular, and the one who is been courted by many, its my story and it just repeat every now and then, I’m used to it.

Since no one will like me based on how I look, I just focused on my studies until its been consistent for me being on the list of top notches, and yes, I regain a little confidence from it, but still not enough to take away the fears and the insecurity I’m always afraid for anyone to see.

The first crush ive ever had, I cried, the second, I wept, the third, we became boyfriends/girlfriends for 7 months but right after graduation, he broke up with me.

After that relationship (actually that’s the second I had, the very first one, ugh I cant remember anything about it), I started to bring myself up, I went to salons to straighten my hair, I started to use skin whitening lotions, I started to embrace changes, and pull strength out of nowhere, to somehow, this time, be appreciated, be valued.

Changes started to come; I’m noticing every single bit of it, very frolic of every little single bit of it. I don’t how and why but I just woke up one day with the society actually responding positively on the changes I worked hard for. I started to have suitors, telling that phrase really makes me shy, tsk, and that guy whom I had wept to, he courted me.

Things started to amend enormously that it became so weird and scary. I took a step back and reviewed the life I have seen this past 16 years, it’s very far from the one I’m looking at now, very far. I questioned myself of what I really wanted, of what really would make me happy. I’m doing good in school, I have my true friends, I have a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, I’m no longer afraid of what every one will say. I think I just found happiness, and this time im more confident, braver, and freer than ever.

Those persons who once gave me the drastic feelings I never imagined I had felt, I’m thankful of how they opened my eyes and my mind about the much important things in life, of how they made me realized that beauty is more than meets the eye.

Now, I’m all a better person than I was 16 years ago, I know I’m beautiful inside out, I’m witty, I’m god fearing, I’m not materialistic, not stereotype, and most of all, not anymore jailed by someone’s inferiority. And as this article comes to its end, I can truthfully say, that at this point of my life, I overcame insecurity. J

the most beautiful commercial i've ever seen. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZMX6H6YY1M

- This commercial made me weep. Ive never cried like that on any movies but this burst me into tears. I love my father, and of course my family. There is nothing really permanent in this world, people come and go, thats why when you have the people you love around you, let them know. :)

TRULAB AND OTHER FROGS II.

Love.

Its sweet I guess.

That feeling of having chills whenever that someone is around and you can do nothing but to stay still and pretend that you have the numbest senses to ignore his every cuteness. It’s very elementary isn’t it? Puppy love, secret love, first love, infatuation, I’ve experienced almost all of them, and at my age now I can now really tell that there is more to love than those.

When I was a child, love, I don’t really know what it’s all about. If im on that age and  you’re going to ask me of what love is ? I might answer you, ‘ love .. hm. Its how my parents feel for each other? And perhaps the reason why I’m existing.’ As a child, I grew up believing that love is love in itself, and such it will come on when it is meant to come.

Years passed, people came and went, I smiled, I laughed, burst into tears, rejected, redeemed, triumphed, and so on and so forth. And to those years that passed, I loved so many times, rejected so many times. And so I learned that love isn’t just sweet as how fairytales told me so.

The process of growing up took me to many different places and shoes ive never imagined to be in. Its like eating your most favorite food while riding in a roller coaster you don’t know when will stop, when can you eat your favorite food, and what are the chances that you won’t miss a grip of it. Life’s tricky, and so is love.

Love can be hurtful, can be so excruciating. But that’s how it goes. You’ll love, you’ll get hurt, you’ll learn, you’ll love again. But again, there is more to love than those.

As a day is being ripped off of my life, I hunger for what is more than enough, of how love became the  center of almost everything, of how it can make someone a beast and a saint, of why everyone seems to crave for its sanctity, and of billions of how’s and why clinging on my very thought.

I pause for a minute, and mesmerize my environment. It’s also the minute that I realized I am the only one home. I peeked outside and decided to walk. I’ve seen so many faces, how am I supposed to write something regarding love if those faces don’t convey what im looking for. Is love supposed to hurt? Is love supposed to bring you happiness? Ughh , I don’t know what to write anymore.

On my way home, as I cross the street I saw a jeepney driver talking to a (pulubing bata-pakitranslate na lang), preaching about life, taking about how he have spent his teenage years playing games he thought worth wasting time, not minding how life will just be a glimpse at his expense. He told the child that he should pursue education because when he had chance to do so, he missed it and so he became a failure and would be probably die achieving nothing at all. It melt my heart to hear  those words, but on the other side, I felt blessed to see that there are still people that are not coward to set themselves as examples so that others won’t do the same mistakes they did. And why would he be concern to someone he’s not really related to? It’s love I guess.

That scene opened my eyes to many different shades of love, of it being a broad world to explore, of it being a word with many meanings that can be associated with.

It can be a child sharing his cookie to his playmate. It can be a mother cooking lunch for her daughter. It can be someone helping his friend in his downs. It can be a stranger helping an old woman cross the street. It can be a simple take care and don’t forget to eat your lunch. It can be in the form of letting go, of acceptance and of wishing all the happiness for someone. It can be in fighting for what you know, will bring you happiness. It can be in a secret glimpse, mere hi’s and hello’s, simple nods and smiles.

Now what is love for me?

My parents, my mother and father who work as hard as they could to provide me the future they always want for me.

My friends who put smile on my face whenever I’m weary and all depressed.

The people who have been a part of my life in the past and in the present for giving me memories I always look up to when life is giving me many reasons to quit.

Those precious moments, when I felt valued than ever. Those words that calmed me when fear is out powering me, that when I reminisce, keeps me believing that life has many beautiful things to offer if I will put worries aside and expand my horizon with god as my guiding light in every journey I went through.

Those smiles, those taps in my back, those warm embrace, those ears that listens, those hands that firmly holds mine, those prayers, those who understands, those who continue believing, those second chances, those shoulders I can rely to, all of them, they are love to me. But again, there is more to love than those.

I still can’t say that I’m no longer naïve for I’m not yet half through with my journey. I have lots of things to explore, many people to encounter, many places to see and many circumstances to learn from. Ive experienced to cry, to love and to be loved, met numbers of different people, stocked in countless dilemmas, and learned from them and from those, but with all those experiences I’ve encountered, still, am for sure, that there is more to love, than those. :)

TRULAB AND OTHER FROGS.

TRULAB.

--

Nakakatakot tumanda. Lalo na ang tumandang walang kasama. Nakakapanghinang isiping sa hinaba-haba ng panahong inilagi mo sa mundo, wala man lang niisang nagustuhang samahan ka. Di ba nakakatakot? Di ba nakakabahala? Paano nga ba kasi humanap ng taong makakasama habangbuhay? Yung hindi magsasawa, yung kayang sakyan lahat ng paiba-iba mong timpla, yung hindi ka iiwan, yung hindi ka sasaktan at lalong-lalo na yung hindi mapapagod magmahal sayo. Kung nabubuhay ka sa mundong hindi marunong makuntento, posible pa kayang may makasama ka pang sumariwa ng mga nakalipas.

High-tech na daw ngayon. Kaya pati tao nagiging high-tech na.  Pabago-bago, papalit-palit, ang bilis mag-sawa. Pati pakikipagrelasyon parang pagfe-facebook na lang. Pwede mong i-logout kung ayaw mo na, i-log in kung naboboring ka, pwede ka ring gumawa ng mas marami pang account kung hindi ka masiyahan sa iisa lang. Nakakatakot nang sumugal sa mga walang kasiguraduhang I love you at hindi kita iiwan. Kaya ang siste, para parehas na hindi masaktan, wag magseryoso.

Pero ang nakakatakot, pabata ng pabata ang edad ng mga nahuhumaling sa pakikipagrelasyon, maaga silang namumulat sa mga bagay na hindi pa naman dapat. Andyan na yung aakalain nilang nakita na nila si true love, magpapakabaliw sa pag-ibig, halos hindi na makakatanggi sa mga palambing kuno ni bf/gf, ibibigay ang lahat na parang sigurado na at kasalan na ang tuloy, lolokohin, sasaktan, iiwan at ang masaklap pa (dahil uso daw eto) buntis pala si nena. Paulit ulit lang ang kwento, copy paste copy paste, pero bakit ang karamihan tila hindi ata nadadala.

Sa mga kabataang nasa edad ko, bagkus hindi pa talaga ganap ang pagkamulat ko sa samu’t saring keber ng buhay, masasabi kong medyo naiintindihan ko na ang karamihan sa dapat kong maintindihan. Katulad na lang na ang pag-ibig, ang tunay na pagibig, nakakapaghintay. Classics diba ? Pero habang nadadagdagan ang edad mo, at ang mga karanasan, tao at sitwasyong natikman, nakasalamuha at natamabayan mo na, mapapa-tama at naman ka sa kasabihang ito. Dahil ang tunay na pagibig hindi naman talaga ipinipilt sa mailng sitwayson, maling panahon, at maling tao. Para lang kasi yang pagbuo ng jigsaw puzzle, may tamang sukat at posisyon para sa bawat piraso, na kahit malapit at magkadikit ang iba sa kanila, ang dapat ay dun sa dapat pa rin, hindi pwedeng iplit, hindi pwedeng ipagsiksikan. Kung gusto mong makita ang imahe sa likod ng bawat piraso, kailangan mong maging matsaga, magdesisyon ng tama. Kung nabigo ka man ng isang beses o kahit ng madaming beses pa, subukan mo ulit, wala namang bayad.

Wala namang masama sa pakikipagrelasyon, basta ba sinabe na ni tatay at nanay.

Noong bata pa ako, ayaw na ayaw kong mag-asawa. Ni magboyfriend o makipagfling lang(o diba bata pa lang alam na ang fling). Tuwing tinutukso ako nang mga kapwa bata ko sa mga ibang kababata naming  sasabihin ko agad ‘ew!’ sabay irap at pasuka suka kungwari. Ganyan ako kabitch nung bata pa ako. Pero habang nagkakaedad ako, nagsimula na akong magkaroon ng crush, puppy love, first love, infatuation at kung ano-ano pa na maari mong makita sa notebook ng kaklase mong mahilig magpa-slam note. Naranasan kong mareject, umiyak, mageselos kahit hindi naman dapat, mangarap ng dilat, ng kirat, ng may kuliti at may sore eyes. Dahil din sa mga crush crush na yan e nagtop-2 ako sa klase ng wala sa oras, maimpress ko lang yung walang hiyang crush ko. At dahil alam kong gusto mong malaman ang mga sumunod pang nangyari, sige, nligawan nya yung isa sa mga bestfriend ko, binigyan ng anklet yung crush nya na kaklase namin at ginawa akong bridge, hanging bridge dun sa isa pa nyang crush na kaibigan ko din. Para akong taeng paulit ulit na inapakan.

Pero wag ka Te ! after 5 miraculous years, bigla syang sumulpot na parang kabute sa buhay ko. Ewan ko kung kaninong prokopyo nya nakuha yung number ko at bigla na lang nagtext na at nagtatatawag, kinakantahan pa ako sa celpon at sinabe pa sa aking matsutsugi na daw sya kaya kung pwede daw hayaan ko na lang syang mahalin ako. Pangpelikula? Malas nya hindi na ako yung dating baliw sa kanya, bilog nga talaga ang mundo ! (evil laugh)

Ganoon nga kasi talaga ata ang buhay, kung marunung kang mag-antay may karapat dapat at mas higit pang dadating para sayo. Yung mga pagsubok, kasama talaga yan ! pre-requisite yan ng pagiging masaya. Kung naloko ka man ngayon, kahapon o sa hinaharap man, wag kang mag-alala, wala ka pa naman sa kalahati ng buhay mo. Kung hindi mo pa natitikaman ang lahat ng klase ng putahe na pwede mong matikman, paano mo masasabi kung alin ang pinakamasarap? Subukan mo ang lahat, wag kang matakot.

--

Ngayon, nasa relasyon ako na nasa dalawang taon na. Hindi ko pa masasabi kung eto na ba talaga. Pero hanggang ako pa ang kasama nyang magbilang ng sana e mas marami pang araw, linggo, buwan at sana naman e taon na darating pa, patuloy pa rin akong maniniwalang ang infidelity, hindi parang cancer na bubulagain ka kung kelan wala ka ng magagawa, dahil katulad nga ng cancer, ang infidelity pwedeng agapan, pwedeng iwasan. Dahil bagaman ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo e naglalaho, nag-iiba, wala pa ring kasing sarap magmahal sa at mahalin ng parehong taong minahal mo noong umpisa pa lang, sa kabila ng napakadaming pagbabagong dumating at darating pa sa buhay nyo. Truelove nga baga. :)

Tanghalian. Kakatapos ko lang maglaba, magluto, maglinis ng bahay, maligo at magpapogi.  Ang sarap ng ngata-ngata kung hotdog, sabayan pa ng namumutawi sa itlog na sinangag, natapos ng matagumpay at taimtim ang tanghalian ko. Pagkatapos e hinarap ko na ang banyo, nagmuni muni ako, nagvocalization ng unti at biglang parang binato ng jolen ang kokote ko, bakit nga ba ako nag-ulam ng hotdog?

KASI MAY KETCHUP ! NAKALIMUTAN KONG MAGKETCHUP! NGAYON UBOS NA YUNG HOTDOG WALA NA AKONG PAMBILI, TAPOS NA ANG TANGHALIAN ! YUNG KETCHUP HINDI KO NAPAKINABANGAN !

Shitzu.

**

Ang ulan ang sarap matulog.

BORING II.

Don’t criticize when you yourself have lots of things worth criticizing.

Wala lang. Naisip ko lang habang naglalaba ako. Habang binabanlawan ko kasi yung mga kumot bigla kong naisp yung mga ‘ibang tao’ sa facebook. Alam mo na, ang facebook, lahat kayang gawin, lahat kayang ipagawa sa gumagamit at vice versa. Kung akala ng iba na ginagamit nila ang facebook, nagkakamali sila dahil facebook mismo ang gumagamit sa kanila. Wala naman akong bitterness na nararamdaman sa facebook, napapansin ko lang na masyado nang kinokunsumo ng iba ang kakayahan ng facebook na sa huli e sila din naman ang nabibiktima. Paramihan ng friends ng siblings, ng photo like at comments , pabonggahan din ng status. Uso na nga din ngayon ang paadikan, palasingan at padamihan ng napuntahang keber at keme. At ang masaklap pa dun, kakaumpisa pa nga lang atang reglahin ang mga nenita na yun. Pabata sila ng pabata. Ewan ko kung anong astig sa mga aktibidades nila sa buhay na kung bakit kailangang kadasegundo e kelangan nilang ipangalandakan sa buong mundo kung nasaan sila, anong ginagawa, sino ang kasama, kung lasing, hilo at kung ano ano pang ano ano. Tila ginagawa na nga nilang diary ang facebook, hindi na nga lang secret. Sana bulatlatin muna anila ang mga libro nila sa paaralan kesa pageksperimentuhan ang mga pagmumukha nila ng samu’t saring kolorete. Haru, stress.

**

OKOY.

Wala lang. Yun lang kasi yung ulam ko kanina. Masarap naman, bilang lang yung hipon puro ulo pa nga ata. Tapos wala pang suka. Kaya toyo na lang nilagay ko. Nakadalawang sandok ako ng kanin, kasi sabi ko sa okoy hindi na ako kakakain mamayang gabi. Sana nga.

Sya nga pala, sampung piso isa yung okoy.

Bwisit.

**

PAG-IBIG.

Nakakain ba toh ? Hindi. Nasusuot? Hindi. Napupulutan? Hindi. Naiinom? Hindi. Nahihithit? Hindi rin. Kung tutuusin, walang silbi ang pagibig. Hindi mo pwede isangla pagnagkagipitan, hindi mo pwede ipunas kapag suwerteng naiputan ka ng kalapati sa noo, hindi pwede ipang self defense o maski ipanggtanggal ng tinga. Pero sabi nga ni Mang Kanor, ‘Love makes the world go round’. Sa tagalog, bilog daw ang mundo, at dahil daw yun sa pag-ibig. Bakit kaya hindi toh nabanggit samin ng science teacher namen ? Dahil kaya baog sya o bitter o loveless? O taga-ibang planeta sya para mawalan ng concern kung parallelogram, trapezoid o hexagon ang mundo naten. O di kaya lasing lag si mang kanor. O kaya mali lang ang translation ko, o ewan. Ulit.

‘Love makes the world go round’

Translation no. 1

-          Papaikutin ka lang daw ng pag-ibig kagaya ng pagpapaikot nito sa mundo.

Translation no. 2

-          Binilog ng pag-ibig ang mundo, pati na rin siguro ang mga earthlings na nakatira dito.

Translation no. 3

-          Wala na akong maisip.

TOOOT .. **

Wag na lang tayong magmahal kasi, Mag-plants vs. Zombies na lang tayo.

BORING.

 Ngayon na lang ulit nakatikim ang bibig ko ng yosi. Matapos ang ilang century, ngayon na lang ulit.

--

Tuwing naghuhugas ako ng pinggan, nagsisipilyo ng ngipin, kumakain, nagbabanyo at kung ano-ano pa, tsaka biglang kini-K.O ng mga chubachuchu ang utak ko, mga bagay na gusto kong isulat, mga karanasang bigla kong naaalala, at mga taong nakilala at nabahagian ako ng kapirasong ng buhay nila, nakasakay ko man sa jeep, nakasabay sa pila o maski naka-titigan ko lang sa kalsada, pero tuwing oras na pumipirmi na ako sa harapan ng laptop ko, parang biglang naglalaho lahat, pati nga ata utak ko nasama.

Hindi ako ang pinakamagandang bata sa mundo, ni hindi nga ata ako maganda. Hindi din ako ipinanganak na kasundo ang math, lalong lalo na ang PE. Di ako marunong magbike, di ako marunung magpalobo ng babol gum, di marunung magsplit o tumambling, ni hindi rin ako marunung sumipol. Marami pa akong bagay na hindi kayang gawin, na kahit sinusubukan ko, di ko talaga kaya.

Teka ? san ba papunta tong mga sinasabi ko ? Tsk. Natulo na ang eyebags ko sa kakapuyat, nararamadaman ko na ding gusto na ata akong i-upper cut ng utak ko kakakalikot sa kanya.  Gusto ko kasi maging writer balang araw. So? Wala lang nagpapaka-writer lang ako. Nyehehe.

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Nagsimula lahat ng toh noong 2^nd year high school ako. Sumali ako noon sa opisyal na Ingles na pahayagan ng paaralan namin. Awa ng dyos nakapasa naman ako, at noong pagsali ko din na yun na-promote kaagad ako bilang Feature Editor. Oha ang yabang ko. Pero dahil siguro wala pa kami sa sampo na myembro ng pahayagan kaya ako ang suwerteng natoka doon. Masaya naman sya. Unti-unti na akong nag-eenjoy. Noong una kasi ang habol ko lang talaga dun e mapahaba ang listahan ko ng co-curricular activities, pero ng dahil sa kagustuhan kong madagdagan ang co-curricular activities ko, naranasan kong matulog sa labas ng printing press, naulan, malamig at tanging dyaryo lang din ang higaan at kumot, kulang na lang lata tsaka unting sprinkle ng langaw. halos di na kami natutulog noon. Pasok sa umaga, gawa ng dyaryo sa gabi, at hindi pa kasali doon ang samu’t saring paghohost ng mga programs, pagrereview para sa mga quiz bee, meetings, seminars at kung ano-ano pa. Mukha na ako noong zombie/adik/reypis.

Pero noong grumaduate na ako ng High School, unti unti na ding nawala yung interes ko sa pagsusulat. Ng isang araw, nakadampot ako ng libro sa library. ‘’Tutubi, tutubi, Wag kang magpahuli sa Mamang salbahe”, ayun yung title ng libro. Mukhang interesante, kaya binasa ko. Simula noong hiniram ko yun, palage na akong excited umuwi para mabasa ko lang yung librong yun. Pakiramdam ko kasi dinadala ako noon sa panahong ikinukwento nya at ipinapakilala sa mga tauhang binabanggit. Piling ko nga kasama na nila ako. Tungkol sya sa pakikipagsapalaran ng mga magbabarkadang estudyanteng nasa kolehiyo sa batas ng martial law, at sa mga prokopyong  nagpatupad nito. Nakakaengganyo. Nakakabukas ulirat. Noon ko ulit naramdamang gusto kong makalkha ng librong katulad noon.

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Masyado ng mahaba tong mga pinagsasabi ko, pero hindi ko pa rin mahanapan ng koneksyon sa mga unang bagay na binanggit ko. Hehe. Hayaan nyo na nga lang.