Tuesday, October 11, 2011


At this phase of my life, I don’t know what I want anymore.

Every day passes by so fast and I’m wondering, why.
People, places, faces, promises, they’re constantly changing leaving me no cue of whether there’s still something left for me to start with, or nothing at all.
I don’t know why these gradual changes sadden me, nearly to take the entire amusement out my entity.
I’m lost, perhaps deserted.
I long for the light I’ve lost, for the spark I’ve dulled.
Sleeping seems to be my only amphetamine, for each morning feels worse than being drugged by all the poisons anyone’s earthly vial can filth into.
My mind’s in its state where it can think no more of rest and liberty.
I am jailed by all the insensitivity and self-centeredness of the people I thought I can count on when life will be a little mean and harsh.
That’s what I thought so, and yes, I stand corrected.
I humiliate my own pride, and them, they’re all set up for having the best of their lives.
I’m so tired taking good care of those people and still, getting the blame at the end of the day.
My self’s my own family, my only family.
And that if I don’t stand tall, I will be left defeated.
But the sad part is, no matter how many victory I earn, no matter how great my revenge will be, inside my heart, soul and identity I am more than defeated.
They’re my family, we share the same blood and flesh, and that no matter how cruel and rude they are to me, no matter how worse and emotionally fatal they make me feel, the only thing I can do is to feel it.

* sigh

It’s hard to escape when there is no at least one good way to stride to.
I just want to be free.
Free from all these mental slavery and stuff.
Happiness maybe isn’t on the cards for me yet.
But, I know soon, I’ll be happy too.