Friday, September 16, 2011

Of how I undergo such thing called ‘Metamorphosis’.

I want to be happy as if none of those problems are bothering me. I know it can’t happen overnight. But sometimes, I just really wish it would, who doesn’t?

I have plenty of scars I’m carrying within me, that no matter how much I ignore them, they just keep on staying, making me a less good person, over and over.

This is quiet humiliating but I, you know, I know no way to get rid of these insecurities but for the world to hear it straight from me.

I envy those girls who are much prettier than me. Ugh, I’m not pretty anyway, so its much correct to say, ‘girls who are pretty unlike me’. I don’t know why I have this kind of sickness within me. It’s like a poison that’s destroying all I need to be, and should be. Instead of having confidence with how I look, I always compare myself with someone who is more inferior, to someone who is more a head turner. I think its normal for everyone to envy someone, but mine’s eventually became a fear instead of a mere comparison.

It all started when I was still in the 4th grade, I’m all dark-skinned, kinky haired and so fat. Boys in our school used to tease me a lot and keep on labeling me numerous hurtful pseudo. Every time I arrived home, I instantly go to my room and weep. I feel so ugly. But things start to worsen when one day, I am walking home, a boy in the street shout ugly right in front my face. It was a total pride wreck for me, and on that day too, I make it to a point that me and that bastard will not meet ways again.

I went to high school and that fear’s still with me. I remember  like when I was in high school, I don’t bring any comb, face powder or a mirror, because all I’m thinking that phase of my life is, I will never be beautiful, no matter how much face powder I put on, no matter how many times I comb my hair each day.

On that time, rejection is a no strange thing for me. I have a crush, he don’t like me, and the one he like is our classmate who is much beautiful, much popular, and the one who is been courted by many, its my story and it just repeat every now and then, I’m used to it.

Since no one will like me based on how I look, I just focused on my studies until its been consistent for me being on the list of top notches, and yes, I regain a little confidence from it, but still not enough to take away the fears and the insecurity I’m always afraid for anyone to see.

The first crush ive ever had, I cried, the second, I wept, the third, we became boyfriends/girlfriends for 7 months but right after graduation, he broke up with me.

After that relationship (actually that’s the second I had, the very first one, ugh I cant remember anything about it), I started to bring myself up, I went to salons to straighten my hair, I started to use skin whitening lotions, I started to embrace changes, and pull strength out of nowhere, to somehow, this time, be appreciated, be valued.

Changes started to come; I’m noticing every single bit of it, very frolic of every little single bit of it. I don’t how and why but I just woke up one day with the society actually responding positively on the changes I worked hard for. I started to have suitors, telling that phrase really makes me shy, tsk, and that guy whom I had wept to, he courted me.

Things started to amend enormously that it became so weird and scary. I took a step back and reviewed the life I have seen this past 16 years, it’s very far from the one I’m looking at now, very far. I questioned myself of what I really wanted, of what really would make me happy. I’m doing good in school, I have my true friends, I have a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, I’m no longer afraid of what every one will say. I think I just found happiness, and this time im more confident, braver, and freer than ever.

Those persons who once gave me the drastic feelings I never imagined I had felt, I’m thankful of how they opened my eyes and my mind about the much important things in life, of how they made me realized that beauty is more than meets the eye.

Now, I’m all a better person than I was 16 years ago, I know I’m beautiful inside out, I’m witty, I’m god fearing, I’m not materialistic, not stereotype, and most of all, not anymore jailed by someone’s inferiority. And as this article comes to its end, I can truthfully say, that at this point of my life, I overcame insecurity. J

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