Paranoia

Afternoon.

An hour of sleep felt good. Everything seems so peaceful and meek, the trees, the wind, the sun’s fading warmth, everything is in their halcyon, but not this piece of cardiac muscle residing beneath my ribs. Oh yeah, cliché. I know, not cool.

What am I going to post? My life’s one heck of a rollercoaster ride lately and I still can’t cope up. I hate this feeling I have right now. So uncertain.

I want to move on from something I’m not really permitted to stay. Should I stay or leave? It doesn’t really matter, no one will care.

I’m missing someone, like I want to see him every night, talk to him every single minute, go out to different places with him, discuss every ideals we have, plan, oppose and predict the future. And by the end of the day we will watch the sun set together, in each other’s arms, smiling, talking and calling ourselves ‘friends’.

Hehe yeah, friends. I’m okay with it, for in fact it’s the only relationship we could ever have, we could ever be. When he leave, I don’t have the right to chase after him, when he cry I don’t have the right to make him happy, when he bleed I don’t have the right to heal him, when his afraid I don’t have the right to hide him in my arms, when his worried I don’t have the right to assure him what lies ahead, when he’s sick I don’t have the right to take care of him, when his broken I don’t have right to fix him, and when everything in his life is falling apart, I don’t have the right to pick each single pieces for him. 

I am just his friend.  Only a friend. No more, no less.

Tading !

The rain is blowing hard outside. It’s not a good night for walking and some of the stuffs I usually do. I’m alone in the house, with my laptop, I’m trying to be someone as poetic as the coldness of the breeze, but then, I can’t. My mind’s too lazy to be somehow productive, or at least ‘convincible’. It’s been a while since I’ve posted something on this blog, so just to signal that I still exist, here, try to comprehend with these ramble thoughts me myself don’t even understand.

Oh rain, please be good. Can you please catalyze your amount and fall dramatically just like on the Hollywood movies, we’ve used to watch together? I need an inspiration. I really do, so rain, if you will not cooperate, all of this crap I have made, I will blame it onto you. Bleeh.

(-.-)

Oh yeah, an hour have already passed, and the rain, still as frolic as a clumsy child. I better end this thing now. By the way I made it to the dean’s list. Um, just nothing. Hehe.

Adios.

 

Dear, we are Forbidden.

I had never felt this free and convicted put together. It was never my plan to be that girl I know I never am. Life’s a gigantic ocean of lie and truth, but I went blind and numb to take a step without knowing how deep and cold the water would be. By the moment I find myself drowning, I closed my eyes and strongly hold each and every breath left, I take a step back, I went clueless of what pushed me to have a grasp of something I’m not even sure of, now there is nothing left but remorse and guilt. Death is only seconds away, now its too late to regret.


It started as sweet as the kiss of the morning breeze, pure and naïve. To let it just go has never been an option to me, for I make sure my walls are strong enough to not be brittle for any pretenses. That’s what I thought.


Nights went so gorgeous than most of the nights ive seen, I started believing that this feeling’s just beautiful, by nature beautiful, and there’s nothing to be worried about. That’s what I thought.


How a complete stranger became someone I started sharing my thoughts about many many things with? How I became careless of the things I said, emotions I showed and feelings I shared that im starting to forget my defenses. I gave myself a scrutinizing stare and told it to make sure things wont mess, I felt secured that I can still pause for a minute and put things to where they should be. But again, that’s what I thought.


Normal. That’s what I thought things are. But when I become even closer to him, closer than mere stares and skins fritting, I started to be afraid, be very afraid.


Its just a kiss. But whenever I reminisced that ‘kiss’, his smell, his heat, his hands intertwined with mine, how the moon is glaring with our souls, the humid brought by the sea, the coldness of the wind and the strong pounds of my heart, its not just a kiss. Its more than anything I,ve ever tasted. Way overwhelming than that of with someone I am really attached to. I mean legally attached to. 


We both went stupid. The both of us are undeniably committed, he’s already married and I have a boyfriend of two years now. How dumb and truce I became! 


Now I don’t know how to act like nothing really happened, pretend that nothing really mattered. I would be a great liar if I would say that I didn’t mean anything about it, for in fact, I like every single thing we did, that I can’t help but to replay them in my mind every single night. 


Love. It’s what I feel, yes, it’s what I really feel. But I don’t have any right to have that feeling for him, for in any possible angle, we can’t really be, never will be.


I guess this feeling will vanish too, I know it would be so hard, but letting go is just the right thing to do. It would take weeks, months, and maybe years, but I know I’ll be over him too. I’ll be over him too.


Its just a kiss. I loved him once, and for me, that would always be enough.

Sermon

If life is giving you so many burdens, take a step back and scheme.

Lumaki akong palaging may dala-dalang problema sa bawat hibla ng buhok ko, mahirap lumaking mahirap, pero hindi iyon ang pinoproblema ko, walang kaso sa akin kung ipananganak man akong mahirap o mayaman, ang pinoproblema ko e ang hindi pantay na oportunidad para sa lahat dala ng hindi pantay pantay na antas ng pamumuhay. Pera, hindi rin iyan ang problema ko, ang problema ko e ang kababawan ng realidad na kapag wala ka nito, hindi ka mabubuhay.

Kung marami kang pera makakapag-aral ka sa mga prehistiyosong unibersidad, kung sasabihin mo namang bobo ka, pwede kang mag-hire ng mga pinagkakapitagang tutor ng sa ganun e makapasa ka sa unibersidad na gusto mong pasukan. Kung marami kang pera at hindi ka kagandahan e may remedyo dyan, andyan si belo at calayan na nakangiti lang at nag-aantay sayong dagdagan pa ang kaban kaban na nilang kayamanan, kung minimal lang ang kapangitan mo e noselift, butox at unting bleach lang yan, pero kung mas maganda pa sayo si rene requestas kahit partidang lalaki pa sya (peace be with you idol) e over-haul na siguro ang kailangan mo. Kung tutuusin kapiraso lang iyan ng papel pero sa kasamaang palad, yan ang pinakamahalaga – sa iba, sa nakakarami.

Napakaraming pa-éklat ng mundo na minsan wala naman talagang significance. Ang maganda para lang kuno sa gwapo, ang panget exclusively for pangit lang din, wala nang rason rason, ganun talaga. Ang mahirap kahit anong gawing pagbungkal sa lupa mahirap pa din, samantalang ang mayaman pa-sitting sitting pretty lang nagkakapera na, milyon milyon pa. Ang daming nagpapatayan ng dahil lang sa mga bagay na mas mababaw pa sa tubig ng kanal, di lang nakakanta ng maayos si kwan sa videoke dahil panay si kwan na lang ang  nakanta e ayun nagsaksakan na. Si kwan naman e napagtsismisan lang ni ano na ganyan at ganire e si tsismosa at buong pamilya ni tsismosa e pinatay na, instant massacre , walang kakibot-kibot!

Noong isang araw din habang nagmamasid-masid ako sa facebook e napadpad ako sa isang fanpage na naglilista ng mga Dk kuno na madalas nagpupunta sa gamol (Dk ata e malandi). Mga mahigit ata nasa 20 ang mga nakalista dun, may mga nakapost pa na picture. Natawa, nababawan at naawa ako sa mga nabasa kong koment sa mga taong nasa Dk list. Babuyan kung babuyan. Mantakin mong ang dami daming tao na hindi ka naman kilala at hindi mo rin lalo kilala ang magsasabi ng kung ano-anong masasakit at masasama tungkol sayo? Kung ako nga nakaramdam ng awa para sa kanila, ano pa kaya ang mga mismong taong nasa listahan na yun, sa mga mababasa mo pa lang, malamang ilang araw ka ding magkukulong sa kwarto’t ngangawa. Iyan ang isang hindi ko na talaga maintindihan sa mga kabataan sa ngayon, magpapadami ng kaibigan, magpapasikatan, kungwari palageng sarap-sarap buhay, punta sa ganyan inom sa ganto, pagkatapos ng kanya-kanyang gamitan, ayun na at maglalaglagan, kanya kanya ng iwanan sa ere. Paikot-ikot lang yun. Blah blah blah.

Lovelife. Isa din yan sa mga problema ko pero hindi ko na masyadong pinagtutuunan ng pansin dahil sa edad kong ito, hindi pa naman talaga dapat. Pero at isa uling malaking PERO, ang dami, actually, ang dami-daming mga kabataang halos jan na paikutin ang buong buhay nila. Walang katapusang aylabyuhan sa facebook, mismong newsfeed e ginagawa ng isang episode ng xerex at take note, mga hindi pa pala graduate ng high school. Ano ber ! Dinadaig nyo pa ako. Isa talaga sa mga concern ko e iyong early pregnancy (patalon talon ang mga pinagsasabi ko, u-mo-o ka na lang). Hindi ako naaawa sa nabuntis at nangbuntis, naaawa ako sa magulang tsaka sa magiging anak. Imbes na suklian mo ang lahat ng paghihirap ng mga magulang mo para sayo, e dagdag gastusin nanaman sa gatas, diapers, mga gamut at vitamins ang ibibigay mo sa kanila. Tumatanda rin sila, at hindi lang dapat puro ikaw, puro sayo. Madalang kang makakakita ng mga kasulatang ‘obligasyon ng anak ang magulang’ pero, bilang may kaluluwa, konsensya at puso, hindi mo lang yun basta obligasyon, RESPONSIBILAD mo iyon, kung meron ka man nung tatlo nabanggit sa itaas. Oo panahon ng pag-eeksperimento at paghahanap sa sarili ang pagiging tinedyer, pero walang nagsabing panahon din ito ng pagiging iresponsable. Sa bagong buhay na binuo ninyo, sama-sama na kayong tatlong walang patutunguhan, at ineng hindi maganda iyon diba? Sa kahit anong rason at palusot, hindi talaga iyon maganda.

Gera, prostitusyon. Epidemya, hindi pagkakasundo-sundo ng mga relihiyon, lahi, korapsyun, bagyo, pera. Napakarami pang ibang problema ng mundo, hindi mabilang.

Teka, ang dami dami kong problemang binanggit pero hindi naman talaga lahat ng yun ay akin (maliban na lang doon sa nauna, akin na akin talaga yun). Siguro lahat lang talaga ng tao may problema, kung wala kang problema malamang hindi ka tao. Ang problema parang excuse lang yan ng napakaraming politiko, hindi nauubos. Imbes na basta lang problemahin, bakit hindi na lang solusyunan, kung wala talagang solusyon e wag na lang problemahin.

Masyado nang mahaba tong panenermon ko. Ngayon pinoproblema ko naman kung paano ko ito tatapusin. Tsk.

Grr, brain overload ! ay este brain drain pala. Wala na kong maisip, kaya ayun, blanko. Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot.

To the man i love the most :)

Actually, this is supposedly a post last October 28 pero wala lang akong net nun so ngayon na lang, hihi.

Happy happy birthday Papa ! I love you so much, everyday and for infinity. No words can best describe how thankful and blessed i am to be your child. Palage lang akong andito para alagaan ka. I wish the best in life, good health and more faith to God. Pagnagkatrabaho na ako ililibot ko kayo ni mama sa buong mundo. Haha. I love you so much Pa, Happy birthday :)

haha. Owyeah. :D

Drooling.

Gusto ko ng matulog pero ayaw pa ako paghimlayin ng kokote kong panay pa rin sa pagtakbo. Ano nanaman ang idadaldal ko? Tsk. Sige. 

Kakatapus ko lang pala basahin yung librong Orosa-Nakpil, Malate. Maganda sya, sobrang makakarelate ang mga kapasisterhood natin sa gay community. Very informative din sya kasi sobrang gigisingin nya yung utak mo regarding the risk of having multiple sex partners and also doing the deed without any protection. Mas lalo ding lalawak ang kaalaman mo sa HIV/AIDS. Pero hindi lag naman toh tungkol dun, umiikot din ang istorya sa paghahanap ng bidang homosexual ng trulab.

Kaya sa tingin ko dapat talaga tong mabasa ng mga umeskemberloo jan, very informative and worth reading !

Nostalgia

His absence lingers in my every vein, excruciatingly kills each second of momentum. I never had imagined that i will be this head over heels with love, with him. My plan of just letting things to go hand in hand with fate, unaware, had surfaced into a chapter of my tale rather than a pure schema. I'm dying with guilt, guilt is killing me, I owe a lot from guilt, and guilt itself now turn into an enigma I'll never wish for him to witness.


He's all i wanted in my life, more than any other things i thought i like the most. Every inch of him, every bit of his existence, every detail of his physic is an addiction to me, stronger than the heroine of those who are sick by health and sick by soul. I'm craving for a single taste, for a single tranquility. I love him to death, to reincarnation, perpetually I'll suffer, no remorse I will make.


Between his smile and tears I want to fall asleep, between his heart and manhood I want to suffer and die. I opt no ears to hear me, no hands to reach for mine, no help to rescue me -- im happily trapped and used, resoundingly loved and valued. As I wake up to fall asleep, as I breath to be killed then, no shattered dignity nor exploited flesh will be inculcated with my doom. I'm happy. Overwhelmingly satisfied.


I'm a child lost in a dream, and his body is my wonderland. He let me then play, let me then seek happiness. As you goes by with this not so vivid article, I protest if you conclude that I'm martyr and insane. I'm no martyr for I'm a slave ( its the way it should be ) , I'm no insane for I'm mentally vindicated. if you would not believe still then so be it. I'm in cloud 9 brought by his affection and you cant blame me for that.


This narcolepsy is getting deeper and deeper, worse and worse, magical than ever. I cant associate no word but BEAUTIFUL. Lost by his stare, lost by his weight over me, im running for my breath, as I close my eyes and dream, I achieve of sanctuary, of bloody soul and innocence. I grab for a blanket to cover my impurities, and as I open my eyes, face the reality and tilt my head up, he wiped away my tears, kiss my fears off of me, took away my blanket and cover me with his heat and his wholeness now exclusively mine.


" I love you . "


He whispered in my ears, as we sleep through the night, with the moon and the stars as our only witnesses ..





.. of our sweetest sin, we, forever will commit.

Melancholy.

Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and wander ..

CHANGE – You seem so improbable.

I am not the most lovable person in the planet but when I love, I give my all. People misunderstood me for not being serious on any relationship that I embrace, and I can’t blame them for that, that’s my defense mechanism. Most often than not, I am showing the robust side of me so that I can protect something soft on the inside.

I show how I feel through the things and way I know simple but sincere. I am not a fan of gifts, chocolates, roses and some of those clichés, for I firmly believe that love is more than those fancy-fancy things. So when it comes to receiving some things, I’d rather receive a letter.

The longest relationship I’ve been is 2 years, and yes we’re counting still. We’ve just celebrated our 2^nd anniversary last Oct. 25^th and, yeah, um, things start to go sour. He’s always busy, and I understand him though. He is a good and a diligent man and I commend him for that. He’s always about his family and that thing about him really impresses me the most, but, I think he’s starting to be over occupied by that thinking that he’s starting to forget that he’s growing old, that he starting to forget me, he’s starting to forget us.

He’s very much different unlike any other guys. He would go malling simply wearing a shirt, his jersey shorts and a pair of slippers. He also care less about how he look, how his hair look, he could even spend the rest of the day without putting stuffs on his face in which some guys of his age wouldn’t be so cool about. He is very simple, way simpler than a piece of a blank paper.

When we’re together, he would constantly kiss me in the hands, in my cheek, in my forehead, in my shoulder, in my neck etc, and would tell me words of love almost every 3 minutes. He’s sweet in his own ways without forgetting to be gentleman still.

He would tell me to stop smoking, stop drinking and he even contradict me of my plan of getting a tattoo. ‘Paano kapag nangailangan ng dugo yung anak naten e di hindi na pwede yung sayo? Pagkulang yung akin e paano na.’ He would tell me that every time I open the topic about me getting a tattoo and he never fails to make me think twice no more of him being the person I will be spending forever with. I’ve never been this appreciated and secured like when I’m with him, in my entire life. I am the eldest child prior for me to have all the obligations, expectations and responsibilities, but when I’m with him, I feel so relieved and free from all the fears.

So what’s the problem now?

He’s changing. He wouldn’t even text me for weeks, and one time he forgot to greet me on our monthsary with his reason that he slept the whole day. Who do you think your fooling huh, slept for two consecutive days? Common, tsk !

He is the second boyfriend I had, and if our relationship didn’t work well, im  going to make sure that the third one will be the last.

Geez.

Hypocrites

Head-turner ako. Oo inuulit ko head turner ako, ngunit hindi dahil sa maganda ako o malaki man ang ano sa akin, head turner ako dahil pang-out of this world ang mga paniniwala ko sa buhay, kaya siguro ayun, naglalabasan lahat sa pagmumukha ko, sa mga taong nakakasalubong ko, para akong alien, kakaiba, weirdo, abnormal.

Tuwing nagpupunta ako sa mall, pagpasok ko pa lang anjan na yung mga clerk na kung makatitig e kala mo abay merong nakadikit na ari sa noo ko, yung iba magbubulungan pa sabay magtatawanan, ngumingiti na lang ako, at least sikat.

Noong isang araw din may nakasakay akong tatlong lalaki, yung isa natatawa na nagpipigil lang, tinitigan ko sya ng mabuti mula ulo hanggang paa, maka-sampung beses ko atang ginawa yun, natahimik sya, nakukuha naman pala sa tingin e. Yung dalawa nyang kasama nahalata atang iniintimidate ko yung kasama nilang isa kaya mga nagsidungawan na lang sa bintana, at ayon sa obserbasyon ko, mukha silang mga construction worker, construction worker nga ata talaga sila dahil sa mga bitbit nilang mga gamit, at yung isa dun schoolmate ko noong high school, nasa lower section nga lang sya, so ibig sabihin nun, hindi sila kagwapuhan, hindi katalinuhan, hindi pa kabaitan, kung semplang sila sa lahat ng yun, anong karapatan nilang magpakita ng hindi kagandahang asal sa iba?

Noong nakarating din ako sa mall e pagpasok ko dun sa isang stall ng mga cellphone e may nasalubong akong tatlong babaeng biglang nagsipagtawanan pagkalagpas ko sa kanila, wtf?! Siguro mga kasing edaran ko lang yung mga yun, pero masasabi kong mas responsible ako sa kanila, kilos pa lang nila, halatang mga immature na.

Kasalanan ko bang mas matalino kung nagagamit ang kalayaang meron ako kumpara sa iba? Wala akong pakialam sa pananamit ko, sa ayos ng buhok ko o maski sa pagkakayari ng mukha ko, hindi dahil sa gusto kong maging sikat at mas magings angat sa iba, ginagawa ko yun dahil sa ganoong paraan ako mas komportable.

Hindi ako naiinis o nagagalit sa mga taong stereotypical kung mag-isip, bagkus naaawa ako para sa kanila. Matutulog sila sa gabing natatawa dahil sa nakasalubong nilang babaeng may kakatuwang buhok at pananamit kanina, pero bukas paggising nila, ano? Nakakulong sila sa paniniwalang hindi sila magiging katulad noong babae dahil ayaw nilang mapagtawanan, ayaw nilang mga mapagbulungan ng mga kapareahas nilang mapanghusga. Mabubuhay silang bilanggo sa takot sa mga sasabihin ng iba, tatanda silang blanko, mamamatay silang playing safe.

At least ako masayang nabubuhay sa mga paniniwala ko, wala akong pinagsisisihan at lalong lalo nang wala akong gustong baguhin, meron akong mga totoong kaibigan at mga magulang na nuknukan ng supportive. Ang pinakamagandang idinulot sa akin ng lahat ng ito, meron akong espesyal na kakayahang makita ang tunay sa peke, nakikita at natatangis ko ang tunay sa pagpapanggap.

Kaya ikaw, sa susunod na titingnan mo ako ng masama, sige lang.