Melancholy.

I feel tired, so tired. All this things that I need to accomplish, authority to oblige, title to be maintained, I am so tired of being strong. For once in a while, I want to be someone ordinary, someone who care less about the world, someone who don’t have these baggages around her shoulder. 

I want to fly and go to places I have only read in books, go the highest mountains, reach the clouds and watch the little lights as they blink like a petite damsel dancing happily, sleep in the fields with my hands put under my head, climb trees and watch the sun fades giving  way to the moon, count the stars, sing with the wind, feel the breeze’s cold embrace, stride wherever my feet bring me to, talk to the moon. I want to be free. Free from all the pressure, expectations, labels, competitions, and from the society’s a must to oblige norms.

I just want my childhood back again. Those days where a simple candy can already make my day. Those days where love is just a story of a girl who met a guy who happened to be a prince, and that they live happily ever after. Those days where friends are just a block away. Those days where life isn’t that complicated yet.

Sigh.

I just want some break.

Etcetera.

At this phase of my life, I don’t know what I want anymore.

Every day passes by so fast and I’m wondering, why.

People, places, faces, promises, they’re constantly changing leaving me no cue of whether there’s still something left for me to start with, or nothing at all.

I don’t know why these gradual changes sadden me, nearly to take the entire amusement out my entity.

I’m lost, perhaps deserted.

I long for the light I’ve lost, for the spark I’ve dulled.

Sleeping seems to be my only amphetamine, for each morning feels worse than being drugged by all the poisons anyone’s earthly vial can filth into.

My mind’s in its state where it can think no more of rest and liberty.

I am jailed by all the insensitivity and self-centeredness of the people I thought I can count on when life will be a little mean and harsh.

That’s what I thought so, and yes, I stand corrected.

I humiliate my own pride, and them, they’re all set up for having the best of their lives.

I’m so tired taking good care of those people and still, getting the blame at the end of the day.

My self’s my own family, my only family.

And that if I don’t stand tall, I will be left defeated.

But the sad part is, no matter how many victory I earn, no matter how great my revenge will be, inside my heart, soul and identity I am more than defeated.

They’re my family, we share the same blood and flesh, and that no matter how cruel and rude they are to me, no matter how worse and emotionally fatal they make me feel, the only thing I can do is to feel it.

* sigh

It’s hard to escape when there is no at least one good way to stride to.

I just want to be free.

Free from all these mental slavery and stuff.

Happiness maybe isn’t on the cards for me yet.

But, I know soon, I’ll be happy too.