Just another enigma.

Its cold.

The rain’s kissing our skins fatally leading us to commit crimes we’re not supposed to commit.

Your eyes, they’re telling me stories of wonderlands and fairytales, the child within my heart is becoming naïve as she always does.

This cold shivers my knees, I’m becoming brittle and brittle.

Your smiles, they’re giving me vivid envisages of lovely summer memories I can hold on forever. Your voice’s giving my ears song of lullabies, keeping me awake and wandering at the same time. It’s really adorable how you speak. Go and tell me more of those beautiful places you’ve seen, amazing people you’ve met.

I search and search for a refuge I can hide my self into, a peculiar light had invited my eyes, I seek for it, I sought for it and so I witnessed its superfluous identity. Coldness had been out powered by invincible warmth, now I am relieved, or just I thought.

You must be kidding! I’ve also did those silly things when I was younger. Ha-ha, we’d be partners in crime then if we’d already met each other that time. Screw us. Ha-ha.

This is so much empathy, can I just see your face? Can I? 

That was so much fun talking to you, but wait, something’s wrong, something’s not suppose to happen, don’t talk to me too much, stop making me smile, refrain from making me laugh to your jokes, I might love you. You don’t want it right, me neither.

My heart keeps on pounding so hard, I looked at you, you seem so calm and easy, how am I suppose to ride your this-is-no-big-deal thing when I’m all panicking inside? Your heart must be numb with ice and stone, whoever would be hurt, you don’t give a single fuck, if I will be, if she will be, or if you will be either, you don’t care. You don’t care.

You’re beautiful. Everything about you is so special. Hold me once and I’ll never free you. Go control everything in me, I am yours to exploit.

As I was in the midst of the motions of this and that, he touched my chin and slightly tilted my face, and to no avail, I was left just closing my eyes as the only option I have. As our faces got closer, I felt his breath warm and special, slowly flown to my veins, to my spine and to my heart. His lips touched mine. It was a kiss. We’ve kissed.

And I was frozen.

Wherever you will go, just go and take me there. I don’t care how long the journey will be, just take me with you, just please take me with you.

It’s like cold and warmth intertwined. It’s soothing, excruciatingly delightful, grotesquetically adorable. I’m running out of breath, I am grasping for air, but none of these made me refuse each and every friction I had with yours. Of how you’ve held me tight in your arms, of how you’ve filled each spaces between my fingers with yours, of how you’ve caressed my heart. I’ve fell for them, for those, for you. Tell me this will last, tell me where not playing fools. My heart would be drastically hurt if you say no.

In a matter of second, all the things including the peculiar light I’ve thought that’ll guide my path had been obscured by the darkness.

No words had been uttered but it was crystal clear that it was all part of his scheme. No feelings involved, no emotions attached, pure schema. I lose the game, I failed to guard the thing he degradedly destroyed.

 He’s done with me, and he’s off living his life as if I’ve never existed. I was emotionally smothered. He’d consumed all the sanity in me, leaving me no pride to reap. I should’ve seen it beforehand. I should have.

All of a sudden, he’d vanished. All of a sudden, I was left alone. All of a sudden, it was all a dream.

Dear, we are Forbidden.

I had never felt this free and convicted put together. It was never my plan to be that girl I know I never am. Life’s a gigantic ocean of lie and truth, but I went blind and numb to take a step without knowing how deep and cold the water would be. By the moment I find myself drowning, I closed my eyes and strongly hold each and every breath left, I take a step back, I went clueless of what pushed me to have a grasp of something I’m not even sure of, now there is nothing left but remorse and guilt. Death is only seconds away, now its too late to regret.


It started as sweet as the kiss of the morning breeze, pure and naïve. To let it just go has never been an option to me, for I make sure my walls are strong enough to not be brittle for any pretenses. That’s what I thought.


Nights went so gorgeous than most of the nights ive seen, I started believing that this feeling’s just beautiful, by nature beautiful, and there’s nothing to be worried about. That’s what I thought.


How a complete stranger became someone I started sharing my thoughts about many many things with? How I became careless of the things I said, emotions I showed and feelings I shared that im starting to forget my defenses. I gave myself a scrutinizing stare and told it to make sure things wont mess, I felt secured that I can still pause for a minute and put things to where they should be. But again, that’s what I thought.


Normal. That’s what I thought things are. But when I become even closer to him, closer than mere stares and skins fritting, I started to be afraid, be very afraid.


Its just a kiss. But whenever I reminisced that ‘kiss’, his smell, his heat, his hands intertwined with mine, how the moon is glaring with our souls, the humid brought by the sea, the coldness of the wind and the strong pounds of my heart, its not just a kiss. Its more than anything I,ve ever tasted. Way overwhelming than that of with someone I am really attached to. I mean legally attached to. 


We both went stupid. The both of us are undeniably committed, he’s already married and I have a boyfriend of two years now. How dumb and truce I became! 


Now I don’t know how to act like nothing really happened, pretend that nothing really mattered. I would be a great liar if I would say that I didn’t mean anything about it, for in fact, I like every single thing we did, that I can’t help but to replay them in my mind every single night. 


Love. It’s what I feel, yes, it’s what I really feel. But I don’t have any right to have that feeling for him, for in any possible angle, we can’t really be, never will be.


I guess this feeling will vanish too, I know it would be so hard, but letting go is just the right thing to do. It would take weeks, months, and maybe years, but I know I’ll be over him too. I’ll be over him too.


Its just a kiss. I loved him once, and for me, that would always be enough.

Of how I undergo such thing called ‘Metamorphosis’.

I want to be happy as if none of those problems are bothering me. I know it can’t happen overnight. But sometimes, I just really wish it would, who doesn’t?

I have plenty of scars I’m carrying within me, that no matter how much I ignore them, they just keep on staying, making me a less good person, over and over.

This is quiet humiliating but I, you know, I know no way to get rid of these insecurities but for the world to hear it straight from me.

I envy those girls who are much prettier than me. Ugh, I’m not pretty anyway, so its much correct to say, ‘girls who are pretty unlike me’. I don’t know why I have this kind of sickness within me. It’s like a poison that’s destroying all I need to be, and should be. Instead of having confidence with how I look, I always compare myself with someone who is more inferior, to someone who is more a head turner. I think its normal for everyone to envy someone, but mine’s eventually became a fear instead of a mere comparison.

It all started when I was still in the 4^th grade, I’m all dark-skinned, kinky haired and so fat. Boys in our school used to tease me a lot and keep on labeling me numerous hurtful pseudo. Every time I arrived home, I instantly go to my room and weep. I feel so ugly. But things start to worsen when one day, I am walking home, a boy in the street shout ugly right in front my face. It was a total pride wreck for me, and on that day too, I make it to a point that me and that bastard will not meet ways again.

I went to high school and that fear’s still with me. I remember  like when I was in high school, I don’t bring any comb, face powder or a mirror, because all I’m thinking that phase of my life is, I will never be beautiful, no matter how much face powder I put on, no matter how many times I comb my hair each day.

On that time, rejection is a no strange thing for me. I have a crush, he don’t like me, and the one he like is our classmate who is much beautiful, much popular, and the one who is been courted by many, its my story and it just repeat every now and then, I’m used to it.

Since no one will like me based on how I look, I just focused on my studies until its been consistent for me being on the list of top notches, and yes, I regain a little confidence from it, but still not enough to take away the fears and the insecurity I’m always afraid for anyone to see.

The first crush ive ever had, I cried, the second, I wept, the third, we became boyfriends/girlfriends for 7 months but right after graduation, he broke up with me.

After that relationship (actually that’s the second I had, the very first one, ugh I cant remember anything about it), I started to bring myself up, I went to salons to straighten my hair, I started to use skin whitening lotions, I started to embrace changes, and pull strength out of nowhere, to somehow, this time, be appreciated, be valued.

Changes started to come; I’m noticing every single bit of it, very frolic of every little single bit of it. I don’t how and why but I just woke up one day with the society actually responding positively on the changes I worked hard for. I started to have suitors, telling that phrase really makes me shy, tsk, and that guy whom I had wept to, he courted me.

Things started to amend enormously that it became so weird and scary. I took a step back and reviewed the life I have seen this past 16 years, it’s very far from the one I’m looking at now, very far. I questioned myself of what I really wanted, of what really would make me happy. I’m doing good in school, I have my true friends, I have a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, I’m no longer afraid of what every one will say. I think I just found happiness, and this time im more confident, braver, and freer than ever.

Those persons who once gave me the drastic feelings I never imagined I had felt, I’m thankful of how they opened my eyes and my mind about the much important things in life, of how they made me realized that beauty is more than meets the eye.

Now, I’m all a better person than I was 16 years ago, I know I’m beautiful inside out, I’m witty, I’m god fearing, I’m not materialistic, not stereotype, and most of all, not anymore jailed by someone’s inferiority. And as this article comes to its end, I can truthfully say, that at this point of my life, I overcame insecurity. J

TRULAB AND OTHER FROGS II.

Love.

Its sweet I guess.

That feeling of having chills whenever that someone is around and you can do nothing but to stay still and pretend that you have the numbest senses to ignore his every cuteness. It’s very elementary isn’t it? Puppy love, secret love, first love, infatuation, I’ve experienced almost all of them, and at my age now I can now really tell that there is more to love than those.

When I was a child, love, I don’t really know what it’s all about. If im on that age and  you’re going to ask me of what love is ? I might answer you, ‘ love .. hm. Its how my parents feel for each other? And perhaps the reason why I’m existing.’ As a child, I grew up believing that love is love in itself, and such it will come on when it is meant to come.

Years passed, people came and went, I smiled, I laughed, burst into tears, rejected, redeemed, triumphed, and so on and so forth. And to those years that passed, I loved so many times, rejected so many times. And so I learned that love isn’t just sweet as how fairytales told me so.

The process of growing up took me to many different places and shoes ive never imagined to be in. Its like eating your most favorite food while riding in a roller coaster you don’t know when will stop, when can you eat your favorite food, and what are the chances that you won’t miss a grip of it. Life’s tricky, and so is love.

Love can be hurtful, can be so excruciating. But that’s how it goes. You’ll love, you’ll get hurt, you’ll learn, you’ll love again. But again, there is more to love than those.

As a day is being ripped off of my life, I hunger for what is more than enough, of how love became the  center of almost everything, of how it can make someone a beast and a saint, of why everyone seems to crave for its sanctity, and of billions of how’s and why clinging on my very thought.

I pause for a minute, and mesmerize my environment. It’s also the minute that I realized I am the only one home. I peeked outside and decided to walk. I’ve seen so many faces, how am I supposed to write something regarding love if those faces don’t convey what im looking for. Is love supposed to hurt? Is love supposed to bring you happiness? Ughh , I don’t know what to write anymore.

On my way home, as I cross the street I saw a jeepney driver talking to a (pulubing bata-pakitranslate na lang), preaching about life, taking about how he have spent his teenage years playing games he thought worth wasting time, not minding how life will just be a glimpse at his expense. He told the child that he should pursue education because when he had chance to do so, he missed it and so he became a failure and would be probably die achieving nothing at all. It melt my heart to hear  those words, but on the other side, I felt blessed to see that there are still people that are not coward to set themselves as examples so that others won’t do the same mistakes they did. And why would he be concern to someone he’s not really related to? It’s love I guess.

That scene opened my eyes to many different shades of love, of it being a broad world to explore, of it being a word with many meanings that can be associated with.

It can be a child sharing his cookie to his playmate. It can be a mother cooking lunch for her daughter. It can be someone helping his friend in his downs. It can be a stranger helping an old woman cross the street. It can be a simple take care and don’t forget to eat your lunch. It can be in the form of letting go, of acceptance and of wishing all the happiness for someone. It can be in fighting for what you know, will bring you happiness. It can be in a secret glimpse, mere hi’s and hello’s, simple nods and smiles.

Now what is love for me?

My parents, my mother and father who work as hard as they could to provide me the future they always want for me.

My friends who put smile on my face whenever I’m weary and all depressed.

The people who have been a part of my life in the past and in the present for giving me memories I always look up to when life is giving me many reasons to quit.

Those precious moments, when I felt valued than ever. Those words that calmed me when fear is out powering me, that when I reminisce, keeps me believing that life has many beautiful things to offer if I will put worries aside and expand my horizon with god as my guiding light in every journey I went through.

Those smiles, those taps in my back, those warm embrace, those ears that listens, those hands that firmly holds mine, those prayers, those who understands, those who continue believing, those second chances, those shoulders I can rely to, all of them, they are love to me. But again, there is more to love than those.

I still can’t say that I’m no longer naïve for I’m not yet half through with my journey. I have lots of things to explore, many people to encounter, many places to see and many circumstances to learn from. Ive experienced to cry, to love and to be loved, met numbers of different people, stocked in countless dilemmas, and learned from them and from those, but with all those experiences I’ve encountered, still, am for sure, that there is more to love, than those. :)

TRULAB AND OTHER FROGS.

TRULAB.

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Nakakatakot tumanda. Lalo na ang tumandang walang kasama. Nakakapanghinang isiping sa hinaba-haba ng panahong inilagi mo sa mundo, wala man lang niisang nagustuhang samahan ka. Di ba nakakatakot? Di ba nakakabahala? Paano nga ba kasi humanap ng taong makakasama habangbuhay? Yung hindi magsasawa, yung kayang sakyan lahat ng paiba-iba mong timpla, yung hindi ka iiwan, yung hindi ka sasaktan at lalong-lalo na yung hindi mapapagod magmahal sayo. Kung nabubuhay ka sa mundong hindi marunong makuntento, posible pa kayang may makasama ka pang sumariwa ng mga nakalipas.

High-tech na daw ngayon. Kaya pati tao nagiging high-tech na.  Pabago-bago, papalit-palit, ang bilis mag-sawa. Pati pakikipagrelasyon parang pagfe-facebook na lang. Pwede mong i-logout kung ayaw mo na, i-log in kung naboboring ka, pwede ka ring gumawa ng mas marami pang account kung hindi ka masiyahan sa iisa lang. Nakakatakot nang sumugal sa mga walang kasiguraduhang I love you at hindi kita iiwan. Kaya ang siste, para parehas na hindi masaktan, wag magseryoso.

Pero ang nakakatakot, pabata ng pabata ang edad ng mga nahuhumaling sa pakikipagrelasyon, maaga silang namumulat sa mga bagay na hindi pa naman dapat. Andyan na yung aakalain nilang nakita na nila si true love, magpapakabaliw sa pag-ibig, halos hindi na makakatanggi sa mga palambing kuno ni bf/gf, ibibigay ang lahat na parang sigurado na at kasalan na ang tuloy, lolokohin, sasaktan, iiwan at ang masaklap pa (dahil uso daw eto) buntis pala si nena. Paulit ulit lang ang kwento, copy paste copy paste, pero bakit ang karamihan tila hindi ata nadadala.

Sa mga kabataang nasa edad ko, bagkus hindi pa talaga ganap ang pagkamulat ko sa samu’t saring keber ng buhay, masasabi kong medyo naiintindihan ko na ang karamihan sa dapat kong maintindihan. Katulad na lang na ang pag-ibig, ang tunay na pagibig, nakakapaghintay. Classics diba ? Pero habang nadadagdagan ang edad mo, at ang mga karanasan, tao at sitwasyong natikman, nakasalamuha at natamabayan mo na, mapapa-tama at naman ka sa kasabihang ito. Dahil ang tunay na pagibig hindi naman talaga ipinipilt sa mailng sitwayson, maling panahon, at maling tao. Para lang kasi yang pagbuo ng jigsaw puzzle, may tamang sukat at posisyon para sa bawat piraso, na kahit malapit at magkadikit ang iba sa kanila, ang dapat ay dun sa dapat pa rin, hindi pwedeng iplit, hindi pwedeng ipagsiksikan. Kung gusto mong makita ang imahe sa likod ng bawat piraso, kailangan mong maging matsaga, magdesisyon ng tama. Kung nabigo ka man ng isang beses o kahit ng madaming beses pa, subukan mo ulit, wala namang bayad.

Wala namang masama sa pakikipagrelasyon, basta ba sinabe na ni tatay at nanay.

Noong bata pa ako, ayaw na ayaw kong mag-asawa. Ni magboyfriend o makipagfling lang(o diba bata pa lang alam na ang fling). Tuwing tinutukso ako nang mga kapwa bata ko sa mga ibang kababata naming  sasabihin ko agad ‘ew!’ sabay irap at pasuka suka kungwari. Ganyan ako kabitch nung bata pa ako. Pero habang nagkakaedad ako, nagsimula na akong magkaroon ng crush, puppy love, first love, infatuation at kung ano-ano pa na maari mong makita sa notebook ng kaklase mong mahilig magpa-slam note. Naranasan kong mareject, umiyak, mageselos kahit hindi naman dapat, mangarap ng dilat, ng kirat, ng may kuliti at may sore eyes. Dahil din sa mga crush crush na yan e nagtop-2 ako sa klase ng wala sa oras, maimpress ko lang yung walang hiyang crush ko. At dahil alam kong gusto mong malaman ang mga sumunod pang nangyari, sige, nligawan nya yung isa sa mga bestfriend ko, binigyan ng anklet yung crush nya na kaklase namin at ginawa akong bridge, hanging bridge dun sa isa pa nyang crush na kaibigan ko din. Para akong taeng paulit ulit na inapakan.

Pero wag ka Te ! after 5 miraculous years, bigla syang sumulpot na parang kabute sa buhay ko. Ewan ko kung kaninong prokopyo nya nakuha yung number ko at bigla na lang nagtext na at nagtatatawag, kinakantahan pa ako sa celpon at sinabe pa sa aking matsutsugi na daw sya kaya kung pwede daw hayaan ko na lang syang mahalin ako. Pangpelikula? Malas nya hindi na ako yung dating baliw sa kanya, bilog nga talaga ang mundo ! (evil laugh)

Ganoon nga kasi talaga ata ang buhay, kung marunung kang mag-antay may karapat dapat at mas higit pang dadating para sayo. Yung mga pagsubok, kasama talaga yan ! pre-requisite yan ng pagiging masaya. Kung naloko ka man ngayon, kahapon o sa hinaharap man, wag kang mag-alala, wala ka pa naman sa kalahati ng buhay mo. Kung hindi mo pa natitikaman ang lahat ng klase ng putahe na pwede mong matikman, paano mo masasabi kung alin ang pinakamasarap? Subukan mo ang lahat, wag kang matakot.

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Ngayon, nasa relasyon ako na nasa dalawang taon na. Hindi ko pa masasabi kung eto na ba talaga. Pero hanggang ako pa ang kasama nyang magbilang ng sana e mas marami pang araw, linggo, buwan at sana naman e taon na darating pa, patuloy pa rin akong maniniwalang ang infidelity, hindi parang cancer na bubulagain ka kung kelan wala ka ng magagawa, dahil katulad nga ng cancer, ang infidelity pwedeng agapan, pwedeng iwasan. Dahil bagaman ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo e naglalaho, nag-iiba, wala pa ring kasing sarap magmahal sa at mahalin ng parehong taong minahal mo noong umpisa pa lang, sa kabila ng napakadaming pagbabagong dumating at darating pa sa buhay nyo. Truelove nga baga. :)

Tanghalian. Kakatapos ko lang maglaba, magluto, maglinis ng bahay, maligo at magpapogi.  Ang sarap ng ngata-ngata kung hotdog, sabayan pa ng namumutawi sa itlog na sinangag, natapos ng matagumpay at taimtim ang tanghalian ko. Pagkatapos e hinarap ko na ang banyo, nagmuni muni ako, nagvocalization ng unti at biglang parang binato ng jolen ang kokote ko, bakit nga ba ako nag-ulam ng hotdog?

KASI MAY KETCHUP ! NAKALIMUTAN KONG MAGKETCHUP! NGAYON UBOS NA YUNG HOTDOG WALA NA AKONG PAMBILI, TAPOS NA ANG TANGHALIAN ! YUNG KETCHUP HINDI KO NAPAKINABANGAN !

Shitzu.

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Ang ulan ang sarap matulog.