At dun nagtatapos ang 2 years at 5 months.

Broken hearted ako. Kaya eto, tinatamad na akong magsulat o maski makinig ng mga tugtuging tila nangaasar pa. Hays, totoo ngang pagdating sa pag-ibig e wala tayong kadala-dala. Nasaktan ka na nga dati, nasaktan pa ulit sa pangalawang pagkakataon, tapos ngayon eto nanaman, paulit-ulit lang, parang remix na plaka, alam mo ng paulit-ulit lang yung lyrics e kanta ka pa din ng kanta. E ganun talaga kasi siguro ang buhay, kapag ang puso ang nadali, kahit anong nadala na ako kemerut mo e kapag tinamaan ka, e tinamaan ka talaga. Hindi uubra ang pa-manhid at my amnesia girl effect mo lalo kapag nakita mo na siya.

Tsk. 2 years and 5 months din yun dude eh. Hindi yun simpleng MU lang. Akala ko nga siya na e. Mantakin mo ba namang pinaplano na namin ( sige kadalasan ako lang ) yung magiging buhay namin pagkasal na kami, kung ilan ang magiging anak namin tsaka magiging pangalan nila. Akala ko truelove na, yun pala isa din lang pala sa mga napakaraming komersyal na mapapanuod ko bago yung pelikula. Binonggahan pa sa special effects komersyal lang pala.

Kung minahal ko ba siya? E oo naman, sobra sobra. Kaya nga hanggang ngayon e umaasa pa rin akong marerealize niyang hindi niya pala kayang mawala ako, na pwede naman pala niyang punan yung mga pagkukulang niya at ganun din ako, na kami pala talaga ang para sa isa’t-isa, na hindi na niya ako ulit iiwan kahit anong problema o hindi pagkakaintindihan pa ang dumating saming dalawa. Pero asa naman ako, kung hindi ako nagkakamali, e siya ang pinakamanhid na nakilala ko sa buong buhay ko. Daig pa ang bato kung makadedmabels sa mga argues ko nung kami pa. Kaya nga kami naghiwalay e. Dahil sa sobrang manhid nya, nahawa na ako. Wala siyang pakialam, ako din. Nagkalasan na lang.

Hindi naman ako nagsisising naging kami. Minahal naman niya ako e, hindi nga lang halata.  Siguro namimiss ko lang siya kaya gantong nagkokorni-kornihan ako. Pero katulad ng alak, balang araw isusuka ko din siya. Mawawala din ang tama ko. Oo na, baduy na.

At dun nagtatapos ang 2 years at 5 months.

Graffiti.

Assignment ng pinsan ko sa Basic Photography nila, ako na lang yun nagmodel. Hha. =)

YOU.

As the cold whispers of the wind gleam through each and every strand of my hair, I have loved you for millionth chances. One breath away, I know you’re somewhere staring at the same star I’m devoting my creeds upon.

Wishes are never been odd for me, same with those undying fairytales and happy endings books have taught me well. I have been so afraid for so long, knowing that despite the entire make believes I make, I will never find my prince charming. I have thought that I will be forever jailed in the dungeon strengthen by all the anxiety, fears and prejudice I had built my own. Far from promises and vows, I isolate myself from breaking and believing in such. Thought that I was then, I refused to search anymore, but then without any further notice, you came.

Goodbye became a word of another many tomorrows yet to come, I have never felt this secured, happy, free yet protected before. I have spent my life believing that love’s a barter of anything you have and anything you would be, but with you I spend none, I gamble none yet you gave me what is I thought more than I deserve.

My heart had been damaged beyond repair, and so is my trust for people, for feelings, emotions and many other things I never valued then, but not until you grabbed my hand and strengthens each and every fiber of my flesh verging on solemnity.

You’re not maybe the prince charming who would kiss me to wake me up from a long narcolepsy, or the prince charming that would put the other pair of my shoes on perfectly, but I know you’re the guy I would be making my own fairytale with, my happy ending with, and our own story of a happily ever after. :)

Melancholy.

I feel tired, so tired. All this things that I need to accomplish, authority to oblige, title to be maintained, I am so tired of being strong. For once in a while, I want to be someone ordinary, someone who care less about the world, someone who don’t have these baggages around her shoulder. 

I want to fly and go to places I have only read in books, go the highest mountains, reach the clouds and watch the little lights as they blink like a petite damsel dancing happily, sleep in the fields with my hands put under my head, climb trees and watch the sun fades giving  way to the moon, count the stars, sing with the wind, feel the breeze’s cold embrace, stride wherever my feet bring me to, talk to the moon. I want to be free. Free from all the pressure, expectations, labels, competitions, and from the society’s a must to oblige norms.

I just want my childhood back again. Those days where a simple candy can already make my day. Those days where love is just a story of a girl who met a guy who happened to be a prince, and that they live happily ever after. Those days where friends are just a block away. Those days where life isn’t that complicated yet.

Sigh.

I just want some break.

If we can only love our parents enough.

Kasama ng mga aso, kuting at mga matatanda e isa pa sa mga kahinaan ko e ang mga magulang ko. Tuwing pamilya at mga magulang ko na ang pinaguusapan, wala akong ibang masasabi kundi napakaswerte ko. Nakakatuwang isipin na merong kakayahan ang taong maging mapagmahal, mapag-unawa, mapagbigay at mapagpatawad sa sukdulan ng paglimot na sa sarili. Kaya kung nagiinarte kang hindi mo na kako mahahanap ang truelove mo, nako neng puro ka kasi lablayp e ano palang tawag mo sa pagmamahal na ibinibigay sayo ng mga magulang mo?

Maiksi lang ang buhay, pahalagahan natin sila hanggang may oras at panahon pa tayo na pwede natin silang alagaan, ipagsandok ng tanghalian, ilibre ng kahit  isang supot lang ng kropek, kwentuhan ng mga ginagawa mo sa araw araw mong pagpasok sa eskwelahan o sa trabaho, at kung ano ano pa.

Wala ng mas sasarap pa sa pagmamahal ng magulang, naramdaman mo yan, kaya sana, iparamdam mo rin sa kanila ang pagmamahal ng anak na para sa kanila naman e ang pinakamasarap.

Puro ka kasi sarili mo lang, tandaan mo hindi lang ikaw ang tumatanda, pati mga magulang mo din.

Si ermat tsaka erpat. :)

Escribir.

Sa mundong punong puno ng pampalaway, imposibleng manatiling kontento. Lahat tayo may gusto, may kinaiinggitan. Ako mismo meron din. Sino bang hindi may gustong pumogi o gumanda siya ng kahit ilang megabytes lang? Wala. Kahit nga yung mga nuknukan na ng ganda e todo pa rin ang pagpapaganda tayo pa kayang mga, (ahem) mababait?

Hindi ako maniniwala kung sasabihin mong kuntento ka na sa mga bagay na meron ka na ngayon, kung kuntento ka na e bakit ka pa nag-aaral? Hindi ka pa ba masayang marunong ka na mag-plus at subtract, kakaririn mo pa ang calculus at physics? Kung kuntento ka na e bakit ka pa kumakain, hindi ka pa ba masaya na nabuhay ka na ngayong araw na toh at hihirit ka pang mabuhay ng mas madami pang araw? Kung kuntento ka na e bakit ka pa gumagamit ng  glutathione, tawas, uling na ipinapangmahid sa balat, at kung ano ano pang pampaputi, hindi ka pa ba masayang kahit papaano e hindi transparent ang kulay ng balat mo? E kasi nga hindi ka pa kuntento, walang kakuntentuhan ang tao, at pagnanais, hindi matatapos yun.

So ayun, ninenok na ng antok yung karne sa bungo ko, so ayun nga. Chu.

Just my brain.

I wander more often than I talk. I’m not really a sociable person, its not that I refuse companionships, I just prefer to be alone more often than not.

When I am alone, I contemplate more about the things happened and still happening in my life. It’s like my everyday dose of scanning my system to preempt future eradicates. Funny it may seem but I feel like I’m doing a monologue of my own gossip girl episode, it’s like I’m disk jockeying my own radio station, the only peculiar thing is I am also the listener, and actually, an avid listener.

School and stuffs are what’s keeping me still in this specific set of mind. I don’t know but I feel like if I lose focus on trimming the insignificants off of the brim, it will all be pathetic, and so am I. There are instances that I already see myself one heck of a perfectionist. I’m trying to avoid being one as much as possible, but the more I chase for what the norm is telling me, the more I drastically become the childish OC who sobs at very minimal mistakes and find every plain situation their ruthless woes.

Fictioneering. That’s what this muscle in my skull is exactly doing. I can’t blame her (or it) if that’s what she’s doing unintentionally, for at the very first place this insane little girl told her to intentionally do things in her way.

This will not go any further than mediocre. Maybe I’m just tired of all this rambling things happening in my life, and so yeah, I’m trying to put things into perspective by making sure they will all be done perfectly.

Maybe I’m just off course of my sanity, pretty not much ready for a fine conversation yet. This had been gone bland, frank and unviable, but yeah, thank you for wasting some 5 minutes of your time.

The Real Meaning of Life.

I have been reading that book for almost 2 weeks now. It’s just a simple little orange book written by, or much appropriate to say, compiled by David Seaman. It’s a book engraved with various voices from various people around the globe sharing their perceptions, beliefs, ideals, contradicts and argues regarding what life really means. It started on October 10, 2004 when NYU Freshmen Seaman was sitting, laptapping in a coffee shop at New York City, trying to avoid writing a paper for his humanities class, typed “What is the meaning of life?” into an online forum, and to his surprise, thousands of people responded to his query. Amused by how people reacted on his thread, he decided to compile some of the interesting, inspiring, entertaining and some of the funny posts he received giving birth to the book I am now pondering into.

The real meaning of life can be compared to a jar of cookie that comes in similar sizes and shapes, but differs in taste and flavor. People differ in races, status, genres, religions etc. but they are all the same, we are all the same. We have one creator, we have one life to live, one death to breathe, we have the same physiological components, we have one earth sharing together and that we have one air to consume, one biosphere to nourish and degrade. Biologically, that what make us creatures, but existence doesn’t end in merely breathing in dying.

We all have minds, but each uniquely differs in the way of facilitation, we all have emotions, but it’s not the same specific stimulus that flows through those billions of neurons our body has, we all have eyes, but ironically, it’s not the same thing we see even with the same object. We have God, we know God, but we don’t have the same religion, there are Catholics, Buddhist, Christians, Taoist, and sorts, each single one of them teaches the same objectives, the only difference is their approach, but they’re praising the same Lord. We have straights, homosexuals, lesbians, gays, and bi-s but we are all the same creatures God breathed upon Eve and Adam on the book of Genesis.  As Humanity explains, people are pieces of puzzle that differs in color and fits and are all subject in one single aggregation, but never serve the same purpose. And that, the combination of two is what the meaning of life is to me.

You are the only exact copy of yourself, your friend can’t be like you, your siblings can’t be like you, you and only you can do all the things you can, can think all the things you thought, can aspire all the things you dream, can feel all the emotions you are capable of feeling regarding of the stimulus you based them upon. You are unique, you are peculiar. Are you special? That’s when the debate will be brought about. I don’t believe that that we are all special, for if in a basket of apples, red and green are considered both special, which else is not special? How come there will be specials if there is no one not special?

You can be a writer, a sculpture, an architect, engineer, singer, priest, nun, actress, pilot, faith healer, drug lord, mafia, philanthropist, that and this. You can be anyone you want, as long as you want to, as long as you pursue being that person you want to become. But at the end of the day, life does end, and all the hardships you’ve done will be soon forgotten, in that case, where’s the specialness? For what are all the sweats you’ve shed when appreciation for all the things you’ve done will vanish together with your doom? We are not immortals, we think yes, we love yes, but that doesn’t make us special enough to not die, for we’re not any superior even in the simplest bacteria this earth has.

God will always be the bottom line of everything, and that he sees through you, more than anyone can ever see you. He loves us all and his love makes the journey here on earth special.

We all will die, and so what’s the purpose of living then? Its purpose is to find its purpose, to find your purpose. God created you not just to be someone insignificant, you serve some purpose and its always depends on you on how you find for them, and no matter what, you are meant to be happy in any ways possible. Life is just too short to merely contemplate on the deepest explanations of what the real meaning really is. You want to live a happy life? Stop searching for its meaning.

Post.

New Year's Eve. Busy-busihan na ang mga tao dito sa bahay, ako, wala nakikinig lang ng music habang tinatamad na kumilos kahit wala naman akong ginawa buong araw, ako na tamad. Anyway, ang ganda pala ng cover na toh ng Boys Avenue, lalo tuloy akong tinatamad. Btw, Happy New Year Bloggers =)

Segway.

Hindi ko alam kung ano kaburechechehan nanaman ang ipopost ko. Ganto kasi e, inlab ako, so sinusubukan kong magpost dito ng nakakakilig, kaso hindi ko kasi forte ang mangurot ng damdamin, ewan ko ba, hindi lang talaga kasi ata ako sweet. Kaya asahan mo ng mapakla-pakla na may panaka-nakang maarnibal na lasa ang mga susunod mong mababasa, ganoon e, baklang maton ako.

Inlab ako, sa parehang lalakeng kina-inlaban ko dalawang taon at dalawang buwan na ang nakakalipas. Sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan, hindi ako komportableng sabihin tong mga salita na toh, pero sige naumpisahan na e. Naku naman.

Sa lahat ng lalakeng nakilala ko, masasabi kong sya ang pinakamatino. Ayoko kasi ng mga lalakeng daig pa mga bakla kung mag-ayos, kung magself-grooming e over na sa over. Ayoko din ng puro DOTA tsaka kung ano-anong pangbatang gawain lang ang inaatupag. Minsan kasi nagkaroon ako ng boyfriend na tuwing magkikita kami e puro character sa DOTA ang ikinekwento sakin, mga long range, short range, scourge, skills, cooling time, sentinel, viper, mega kill, killing spree, god-like at kung ano ano pang DOTA jargons na hindi ko naman maintindihan. Para lang syang nakikipag-kwentuhan sa mga kabarkada nyang computer shop na ang ginagawang bahay. Hindi sa nagseselos ako sa DOTA, dahil napakawalang kwentang gawain ang magselos, lalo na sa mga ganoong mga bagay, ang babaw.

Teka nga, inlab nga pala ako. Back to the topic.

Kung may isang bagay ka na pinakagusto mo sa taong mahal mo ano yun?

Lahat.

Yun dapat ang sagot. Mata, ilong, lips, ngipen, kuyukot, ngala-ngala, buhok sa ilong, abs, susmarya, hindi ba dapat mas magandang marinig na gusto mo ang lahat sa kanya? Kung ikaw ba ang makakarinig na ang gusto sayo ng taong mahal mo e yung kilikili mo lang na maputi, hindi ba’t nakakainis yun? Sana pala nagging kili-kili ka na lang, ng sa ganoon e hindi mo na pagseselosan pati sarili mong kili-kili.

Ito ang isa sa mga problema ko, hindi ko kayang tumapos ng isang buong article na may iisang topic. Ewan ko ba, sadyang ganto lang talaga siguro ang utak ko, assorted. Lalo na pagdating sa mga bagay na alam kong may malaking koneksyon sa buhay ko, asahan mo, hindi ako magiging seryoso sa pagsulat, sa pagkwento.

Alam naman nya na-inlab ako sa kanya e. Siguro yun na lang muna sa ngayon.