Random

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  probably 25.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? both. having nothing by the end of the day does hurt in either way.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? because that's how life is designed to be. we aren't born with a suitcase full of papers testifying reasons of how and whys. because if we do, just imagine how boring life will be.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? maybe. depends.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? its perception about many many things, religion, social status. etc.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?loving.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?sometimes both. Life is a balance of lie and truth. 
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? by living my life like it would be the last, hehe cliche. 
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? uh, pass.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? doing the right things. people will always say something to you, and that's what i worry most.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? do the right thing, defend my friend and tell them how good she really is. and also not to judge people. this might put me and my relationship to them at risk but at least i stand for what is right.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? trust god.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes. because what matter by the end of the day is still, God's Law.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? hm.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Stare at people whom i find pitiful and pray for them just inside my head.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? because we are all different, genuinely different.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? show the people i love that i really care for them. uh, i dont know what's holding me back. maybe the fear that they would reciprocate the feeling? uh dont know.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes, i do.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? im happy here.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? uh no. im the kind of person who would not waste my energy to things i know not really worth wasting to. and also, im the most patient person you could ever know. 
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? both.
22. Why are you, you? because im not anyone else.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? yep.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? the latter.
25. What are you most grateful for? my family, my life, my friends and the lessons god let me know everyday.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? neither.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? in some circumstances, maybe.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? no. hope wont. 
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? not anymore
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? um, my very 1st birthday i guess.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? during my high school  days.
32. If not now, then when? uhuh.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? --
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? oh yeah. hihi <3
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? maybe because of the many differences and the million reasons behind it.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes. God equipped us with the ability to comprehend, and besides, we have the so called 'conscience'.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? no. 
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? depends on my mood. 
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? hell yeah.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? i do that everyday. believe it or not.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? none. 
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? no, never.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? being alive is being able to breath, to eat, to walk, to run and to do stuffs, but being truly alive is living for something you know worth dying for.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? everyday. life's too short to play safe.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? its not having such mistakes that holding us back, but to stereotypes who always say something even without knowing the real story behind.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? dread and color my hair, get a tattoo, enroll for a theater arts course.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? geez.
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? pass.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? depends.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? this is my life. they have theirs and i have mine, do you suppose i will let others live my life for me? no.

Ang alamat ng paglalakbay patungo sa pagkuha ng makahiya :)

Namukid din ako noong sabado, namitas ng makahiya (inutusan kasi ako ng nanay ko) tsaka nagpipikchur pikchur sa mga talahib. May nakita akong halaman na may mga bunga na kasing laki lang nang pinagsamang apat na munggo, mukha syang maliit na kundol kaya pinikchuran ko ang kyut kyut kasi, hehe.

At pagkatapos pumunta kami sa gotohan na palagi kong kinakainan noong high school. Ganoon na ganoon pa rin yung lasa, yung presyo ganoon pa din, murang mura ! tumataginting na Syete. Ang mura diba? Pero noong high school para sa akin e kasumpa sumpa na ang syete pesos na goto na yun. Anyway, nagpikchur pikchur din ako sa gotohan, haha ganoon talaga pag-artista =)

At bago matapos ang lahat, bumili kami ng tinapay na tag-ootso pesosesoses, matamis, chocolate yung flavor. Kung saan man sya gawa, basta ang sarap sarap ! :D

nyihihi :D

Anyway eto yung mga ibang shots na shinat ko. haha watever.

                                                                 julalay ko.

At ayun, hindi pa natapos doon ang araw ko, nagpunta naman ako sa bahay ng kaibigan ko para pagkwentuhan ng paulit ulit ang mga talambuhay namin, mga planong pagpunta sa kung saan saan at mga lalaki na din. Haha. At yun. Tapos na.

Laguna - You look familiar.

I went to Laguna last Saturday, and its been almost a year that I haven’t been there. It felt quirky. Tsk. So im just sharing you some of the shots I took. I want to be a photographer someday so, these shots are pretty frustrating, haha obviously has no resemblance to my dream of becoming a photographer. Haha so there =)

kakalagpas pa lang namin nito ng alabang.

 

Southwoods.

Carmona, siguro mga 30 mins. away na lang toh to Sta. Rosa.

Skies :))

Well this is Metropolis before and ito lang ata ang mall na alam kong may swimming pool sa loob.

And yeah, That's it :D

Tsugi Time

Death is coming, I can feel that in my every bone.

I’ve been feeling lots of chest pains lately. It feels like a knife stabbed in my chest, so painful. These aches aren’t brought by any pathetic romantic clichés, it’s a physiological sickness; fathom, detrimental.

I know that life here on earth is no everlasting, people breath and die, and so are you, and so am i. And piece by piece, these thoughts will be breath into something tangible, something vulnerable. And if that time come, oh yeah.

A Letter To My Romeo

It’s been 2 years now. Days, Weeks, Months, Years, they come and went so fast.

Now’s the exact day and month when we embraced the relationship we once don’t know how to steer towards happiness. It’s the day I said yes, the day you promised me the world, and the day we started counting forever, together. We started as strangers, complete strangers, who would have thought that we will end up celebrating our 2nd anniversary today? Life’s indeed unpredictable, and I’m glad you’re the surprise life gave me.

You’re the kind of guy who would prefer not to live on any shade of glitz and glamour, you’re you, and I’m so happy that you’ve given that piece of your world, simple and true. I love it when you stare at me like I’m the prettiest, when obviously I’m at my worst. Your hands that I always mock bigger than my feet, that’s the same and only hand I want to hold mine till the day all the strands of my hair went silver. I love everything about you, I just don’t tell you that often, for simply staring at you is always enough for me.

I might have always call you ‘bilbilin’ and ‘pata’, I might have hurt your feelings sometimes ( kahit parehas nating alam na bilbilin ka talaga ) but it doesn’t really mean that I want you to be skinnier, it doesn’t mean that im not okay about it for in fact, I always want to cuddle you for having those ‘friends’ of yours. Haha maybe you’re wondering now why this ‘bilbilin’ portion of this letter went so long, haha sige bilbilin, I’ll stop it na. Haha :P

Hihi.

We’re growing older, and yeah I will admit that I’m missing you more each day. Im always afraid that you’ll change, that your feelings will slowly fade, but trust, I have lots on you, and I know that you also have the same on me.

You’ve once told me that 1 year, 2 years, 3 years or even 4 years are nothing compare on the struggles and obstacles yet impending on every relationships, and on ours. I know that, and I also know that you’re still the person I will be spending those N years yet to come.

I know were young still, naïve still, but if this isn’t true love yet, there will be no way it wouldn’t be. Your love made me see through life, made me realize things out of the umbrella of childishness. You’ve made me a better person than I was before. You’ve given me the kind of love that strengthens the soul and that that weakens the knees. And that’s the kind of love I want to give you forever.

Happy 2nd anniversary boo :) , I know where not still halfway through to the so called ‘forever’, but I know we’ll get there someday too. Our skin will be as wrinkled as a crumpled paper, Our memory will be like puzzle, piece by piece will gone, Our speech might deteriorate too, but no defects will hinder me from showing you, and making you feel how much you mean the world to me.

I love you so much boo, Happy anniversary. :)

Etcetera.

At this phase of my life, I don’t know what I want anymore.

Every day passes by so fast and I’m wondering, why.

People, places, faces, promises, they’re constantly changing leaving me no cue of whether there’s still something left for me to start with, or nothing at all.

I don’t know why these gradual changes sadden me, nearly to take the entire amusement out my entity.

I’m lost, perhaps deserted.

I long for the light I’ve lost, for the spark I’ve dulled.

Sleeping seems to be my only amphetamine, for each morning feels worse than being drugged by all the poisons anyone’s earthly vial can filth into.

My mind’s in its state where it can think no more of rest and liberty.

I am jailed by all the insensitivity and self-centeredness of the people I thought I can count on when life will be a little mean and harsh.

That’s what I thought so, and yes, I stand corrected.

I humiliate my own pride, and them, they’re all set up for having the best of their lives.

I’m so tired taking good care of those people and still, getting the blame at the end of the day.

My self’s my own family, my only family.

And that if I don’t stand tall, I will be left defeated.

But the sad part is, no matter how many victory I earn, no matter how great my revenge will be, inside my heart, soul and identity I am more than defeated.

They’re my family, we share the same blood and flesh, and that no matter how cruel and rude they are to me, no matter how worse and emotionally fatal they make me feel, the only thing I can do is to feel it.

* sigh

It’s hard to escape when there is no at least one good way to stride to.

I just want to be free.

Free from all these mental slavery and stuff.

Happiness maybe isn’t on the cards for me yet.

But, I know soon, I’ll be happy too.

Pag-ibig nga kasi.

Ang sarap sarap magmahal. Lalo na pag-alam mong mas mahal ka noong taong mahal mo. Yung tipong makita mo lang sya tanggal na lahat ng stress mo sa buhay, pati gutom tanggal. Pinakapaborito kong gawin sa buhay ko e yang magmahal, dyan kasi wala kang perang nagagastos, nagkakaroon ka pa ng emotional investment na kung maibebenta lang e milyones na siguro ang kapalit.

Ang saya saya sa pakiramdam kapag yung taong gusto mong mahalin e hinayaan kang mahalin mo sya, habang sya, ibinabalik sayo yung pabor. Parang life cycle, pinupunan nyo ang pangangailan ng bawat isa habang kayong dalawa, masayang nabubuhay.

Parang Bluetooth, parang infrared at signal. Hindi nakikita ng mata pero tagos tagos  ang impact sa puso.

Yung mga simpleng usapan na kahit kwentuhan lang tungkol sa kung anung inulam nyo kagabi e babalik-balikan mo pa. Yung para kang tala na pagna-aalala mo e pakurap kurap pa yung mata mo sa kilig. Mga simpleng bagay na kung tutuusin napakabababaw pero kung pwede lang e i-bobote mo ng hindi kumawala sa isipan mo.

Yung boses nya, yung paraan ng kung paano ka nya titigan, yung mga pasimpleng holding hands ninyo, mga sinasariwang first kiss at first anniversary na kulang na lang e buong araw mo ng ikwento sa kaibigan mo sa sobrang gustong kumawala na parang pusa sa dibdib mo lahat ng pakiramdam at emosyon na naiparamdam nya sayo.

Kung bakit ako nakakapagsalita ng ganito? Kasi naman, kung makakwento tong katabi ko tungkol sa lablayp nya e kala mo ba’y kahapon lang ipinanganak sa mundo. Malalim na ang gabi, malaim na din ang eyebags ko. Makatulog na nga. Yan na lang muna sa ngayon. Magandang gabi Blogspot !

( replay lang ang post na toh. hehe)

Fragments

It’s so trivial how circumstances and time change a person in the blink of the eye. The people whom you once share your laughters and tears with are now the people you can’t even ask of the simplest things you can ask to strangers.

Ex-boyfriends, Ex-bestfriends/friends. Why is it that the people you are close with are also the same people who can give you the coldest spaces, glares and smiles?

If its pride or something, I believe there is still that special place in each others heart that is just waiting to be touched.

Happiness.

It’s the simplest thing on earth, but also the hardest to find. When I was a child, every time my friends and other people would ask me of what I want to be 1o years from then, I have the most of what someone would say what s/he wanted to be, but as I grow older, I learned that you won’t truly get the things as you planned and if you do, you will eventually realize that there is more to life than such, and that, I’ve realized what I really wanted in life.

I just want to be happy.

Why some relationships need to be ended drastically to the point of cursing each other? Whenever I recall some of my past relationships, all I can think are countless what if’s and what might have been. Sometimes you just can’t make explanations of why things happen when they wouldn’t be a part of your life anyway, or maybe if you are meant to learn from such, why through them?

Letting go is just one part of life each and every one is not exempted to. Memories, people, its very painful to think that one day, you will no longer get hold of the things most precious to you, that no matter how many tears you weep, the only thing you can do will be just reminisce.

I’m so afraid to see myself in that phase of my life someday. I’d rather be numb and indolence than to watch each pieces of what made me who I am slowly dripping off of my grip.

That’s why sometimes, I just prefer not to hold tight the things, I know, eventually will dessert me.

That point of feeling nothing anymore, im afraid of that, especially if it will be towards the person I wanted to spend my life with. Yung sabi nga ng iba na dumadating ang lahat ng relasyon sa puntong wala na talaga, pagod na.

Ayoko. Hindi pepwede.

Ang mga trulab ko

ANG MGA TRULAB KO.

Compare to all the mornings I’ve woke up to, this one’s the most thankful and blessed I’ve ever felt. Its no strange for me to wake up alone, do the house chores myself, prepare my own food and eat alone, sleep with only pillows as my fellow. Its how my everyday goes by. I’m used to it and probably would live a life in the future same as how I live my life now. But you know what’s weird, this complete situation makes me even closer to the people im not with everyday. My mom, though she come home only every Friday of the week because of her work, I feel like she’s always in the house cooking foods for us like she used to when I was a child. I feel like she’s still waking me up every morning whenever I have a class to attend to. My father, though he would leave the house early and come late at night, I feel like he’s still hanging with us all day, constantly repeating his classic jokes with us booing him then and there. My sister, though she’s in school almost the entire day, I feel like I’m still talking to her about my stuffs, my personal secrets and even arguing with her about plenty of things we used to argue. I’m alone by the house all day, and maybe those sacrifices that each and everyone of us do for the sake of the family tie us even more.

Things started to be complicated when my father got stroked on the midst of October, right before his 43^rd birthday. Thank God the damage wasn’t that severe, but the impact on our family, that the only breadwinner we have, turned into someone less strong, it brought us to our knees. That moment where we woke up in the morning with my father cant barely stand himself up and speak clearly, everything seemed went slow-mo. My mom was yelling ‘na-stroke ung papa nyo tawagan nyo mga auntie nyo !’, I was numb and speechless, but I can feel that my entire body was shaking. A part of me is shattered and the worst thing is I can do nothing but to stand and cry.

That night was a nightmare to me and my family. Every time we used to reminisce things, that part of our lives is a no no to tackle. I temporarily stopped school. My father is now doing good and were maintaining his health to be better and better and in god’s will, be as how his health was before he went through stroke. My father and my mother now work to regain the financial catastrophe we’ve experienced and also for me to continue my studies this coming October.

You can’t really conclude things. You can’t tell when and where a storm will hit you. And you can’t tell how long or how short you’ll be with your loved ones.

That experienced turned me into someone responsible, family oriented, and god-fearing even person I never was. We know that things happen for a reason and such those circumstances brought us to be even closer and happier with our lives.

I love my family, and that no storm will nor problem will part our ways. I know god is looking after us, and thus we will be happy and blessed no matter what. J

Of how I undergo such thing called ‘Metamorphosis’.

I want to be happy as if none of those problems are bothering me. I know it can’t happen overnight. But sometimes, I just really wish it would, who doesn’t?

I have plenty of scars I’m carrying within me, that no matter how much I ignore them, they just keep on staying, making me a less good person, over and over.

This is quiet humiliating but I, you know, I know no way to get rid of these insecurities but for the world to hear it straight from me.

I envy those girls who are much prettier than me. Ugh, I’m not pretty anyway, so its much correct to say, ‘girls who are pretty unlike me’. I don’t know why I have this kind of sickness within me. It’s like a poison that’s destroying all I need to be, and should be. Instead of having confidence with how I look, I always compare myself with someone who is more inferior, to someone who is more a head turner. I think its normal for everyone to envy someone, but mine’s eventually became a fear instead of a mere comparison.

It all started when I was still in the 4^th grade, I’m all dark-skinned, kinky haired and so fat. Boys in our school used to tease me a lot and keep on labeling me numerous hurtful pseudo. Every time I arrived home, I instantly go to my room and weep. I feel so ugly. But things start to worsen when one day, I am walking home, a boy in the street shout ugly right in front my face. It was a total pride wreck for me, and on that day too, I make it to a point that me and that bastard will not meet ways again.

I went to high school and that fear’s still with me. I remember  like when I was in high school, I don’t bring any comb, face powder or a mirror, because all I’m thinking that phase of my life is, I will never be beautiful, no matter how much face powder I put on, no matter how many times I comb my hair each day.

On that time, rejection is a no strange thing for me. I have a crush, he don’t like me, and the one he like is our classmate who is much beautiful, much popular, and the one who is been courted by many, its my story and it just repeat every now and then, I’m used to it.

Since no one will like me based on how I look, I just focused on my studies until its been consistent for me being on the list of top notches, and yes, I regain a little confidence from it, but still not enough to take away the fears and the insecurity I’m always afraid for anyone to see.

The first crush ive ever had, I cried, the second, I wept, the third, we became boyfriends/girlfriends for 7 months but right after graduation, he broke up with me.

After that relationship (actually that’s the second I had, the very first one, ugh I cant remember anything about it), I started to bring myself up, I went to salons to straighten my hair, I started to use skin whitening lotions, I started to embrace changes, and pull strength out of nowhere, to somehow, this time, be appreciated, be valued.

Changes started to come; I’m noticing every single bit of it, very frolic of every little single bit of it. I don’t how and why but I just woke up one day with the society actually responding positively on the changes I worked hard for. I started to have suitors, telling that phrase really makes me shy, tsk, and that guy whom I had wept to, he courted me.

Things started to amend enormously that it became so weird and scary. I took a step back and reviewed the life I have seen this past 16 years, it’s very far from the one I’m looking at now, very far. I questioned myself of what I really wanted, of what really would make me happy. I’m doing good in school, I have my true friends, I have a boyfriend for almost 2 years now, I’m no longer afraid of what every one will say. I think I just found happiness, and this time im more confident, braver, and freer than ever.

Those persons who once gave me the drastic feelings I never imagined I had felt, I’m thankful of how they opened my eyes and my mind about the much important things in life, of how they made me realized that beauty is more than meets the eye.

Now, I’m all a better person than I was 16 years ago, I know I’m beautiful inside out, I’m witty, I’m god fearing, I’m not materialistic, not stereotype, and most of all, not anymore jailed by someone’s inferiority. And as this article comes to its end, I can truthfully say, that at this point of my life, I overcame insecurity. J