Narcolepsy

I woke up in shallow chitters

It’s 3 am and there’s nothing but darkness

And the thin membrane of vulnerability

I tried to lulled myself to sleep, my mind failed me.

I plugged earpiece to my auricles

Hoping to overpower my throbbing heart

Rather, it filled me with abstract emotions

Ghosts of the past had come back.

I’m drenched with raw pathetic emotions

My blanket, soaked with melancholy

From childhood to now, I’m afraid of nightmares

But tonight, I’d rather be swallowed by one.

A cold wind drained my blood in a rush

My head felt the jitter from a catapult

My heart somersaulted in my chest

I leaped from the bed and from the reality.

It wasn’t just a dream,

You’re not on my side, and you’ve never been.

Coma

I woke up with the sunlight stinging my eyes. My body had recuperated enough, but my mind's restless. I dragged the blanket to cocoon myself to its calming softness. I looked at the clock, it's 10 in the morning and my feet tingle with pain.  

The weather's joyous, it's a good day for wandering,but walking is the list thing on my list. I grabbed for my phone but it's out of my reach and i'm otiose enough to extend an arm. I burrowed my face to my pillow, my hair smelled of vanilla and morning fog. If it's just any ordinary day, i'm already groomed and face-slumped into a book, but this day's no ordinary, so is last night.  

I squeezed my pillow against my thumping heart, 10 minutes more and i'm going to kiss the day good morning, but while my mind's still nuzzling with the solitariness it ironically enjoys, i'm going to drift away from the reality and french kiss the cosmic world i hold dear.

Book Review: Perfect Chemistry by Simon Elkeles

I just finished reading ‘Perfect Chemistry’ by Simon Elkeles, and it was, I can’t find words to describe it, oh my gosh it’s just so damn good. And I’m still crying up to this very moment. I didn’t expect it to turn out to be captivating, and hilarious, and heart stomping and thrilling, all at the same time. It’s like a mash-up of all my favorite flavors in one ice cream. Funny thing the male lead has the same surname as I do, Alejandro Fuentes and he is HOOOOOT that I felt somewhat awkward reading my last name on the book. *giggles

At first, I thought it was just another teenage book that circles on typical ups and downs of being a teenager and being in a relationship but I was totally wrong, it was pieces of blatant reality, weaved to a book.

The male lead Alejandro Fuentes is a gang member who has this badass reputation that his schoolmates won’t even dare to look him in the eye, or else they’ll get in to a not so pretty situation. It was the memory of his father’s death that made him resentful of everything about life. He is surely not the kind of guy your mother would allow you to date or even be friends with, but surely the kind of guy that made girls swoon despite his belligerent façade. 

It was his senior year and he just planned on playing it cool until graduation and then whatever will be will be, until one day in a Chemistry subject, he was partnered with the school princess, Brittany Ellis and everything just changed beyond his heart’s control. Brittany Ellis is the perfect blonde princess of the school, she is the envy of any girl. On the outside, she’s just as perfect as a fragile snowflake, a pretty face, a body to die for, a smartass, a quarter back boy friend and a very well off family but on the inside, she’s a warrior fighting for her personal battles.

As the two of them get to hate, get to know and get to adore each other’s concealed flaws, they will just found themselves madly in love with each other. And I found myself in love with the both of them as well. It was a very great story, probably one of the few books that have etched into my heart. One negative thing about the book, it had raised my expectation about love and now I don’t know if I’ll ever have the chance to get married. Great book, poor me.

Btw this is Alex Fuentes, as portrayed by Alexander Rodriguez. He is HOTNESS Mygas. *ovary explode

Obscurity

Too young to get serious

Too old to play

I’m probing for a middle ground

Yet I grasped none.

I fidgeted my brain with countless tap

Wishing for it to puke rainbows and unicorns

I sauntered on levitation

And everything fell in a slow-mo of cliché

I myself is baffled with my thoughts

I settled for vagueness

Until I lost track of my own motifs

Oblivion and its pungent taste, melted in my tongue

Sure I’m going to puke neither unicorns nor rainbows

But more likely a buttery goo of pride and ignominy

I stare back to my paper

It sees the pit I try to conceal

Between my finger and pen are the things I enshroud

And they stay where I left them.

Phantasm

Like the drizzles of rain in my roof

he becharmed my heart in utter silence

No matter how I focus to the softness

of the bed against my skin

my mind wanders to him.

His touch felt like summer

and I can hear the crackles of leaves

as my body tingles in his soft caress

His minty breath against my neck

sends chills down my spine

that it’s too impossible

not to combust with delight

His dark eyes that burns with fondness

Trembles my knees for desire

We are each other’s counter poison

And I thirst for him as much as he does for me,

So I thought.

He is nowhere to be seen

His scent faded, so is his arms wrapped around me.

I pushed his thoughts on the corner of my head

I tried hard not to burst with tears.

But like the drizzles of rain in my roof

he becharmed my heart in utter silence

No matter how I focus to the softness

of the bed against my skin

for the millionth time, my mind wanders to him.

My Head.

My head’s clouded by thoughts I can’t separate from the dense pieces of abstracts. I feel lost, and alone. I have this longing inside my heart I can’t figure out. All I know is, I’m tired and I have to bleed what my heart’s weeping every second of its waking hours, or else I’ll pass out for good or if not, go insane.

I observe the world not as a routine to kill time or to contemplate what the philosophy books have taught me, but rather to see through the overt, pricking through the obvious and conclude the concealed other things beneath the surface. And what I have seen skew my perception, making me ponder of how dissimilar the people I just knew from the people I thought they were. As I have tried to live my life the way I used to, people, incognizant or deliberately, starts to peel away from the costumes they adorned with glamour and pesky pretentious. “The shows over”, I thought to myself, only to find that everything’s just a warm up and the show has just begun.

Everything in this world is subject to change, whether they like it, they don’t like it, or they don’t know. Life, is not staying in one place for the rest of your earthly definition of eternity, not even going from place to place to give justice for why we have to eventually turn to ashes and remnants only utile to the lowest species this world has, when all our years, we strive to carpe diem by finding the fictional stair towards self-actualization. I myself will also be swallowed by this world one day, but my thoughts wouldn’t dive with me, six feet below the earth.

People doesn’t change overnight, they change in the speed of light. I have tried hard to avoid change, but just like others, it struck me like a thunder with a wind as its disguise. I savored it for, I no longer can measure. It consumed me, it’s ecstatic, and every fiber in me felt like it effloresce into something invincible yet naïve. From the moment the phylogeny is through, I wished it never happened at the very first place.

I am changing together with the people, with the world and everything in between. Every day is a fashion show of ‘how-long-can-you-pull-together-that-sanity-of-yours’, and the world’s long pavements are the runway. Everyone around me is a stimulus to my impending many changes yet to come, likewise, I am theirs. But, I still can’t figure out why some of the people I value and almost love, decided to change and eventually leave me hanging in the air, when I never gave them any stimuli condescending to their egos. Next to my first fear dying, is my fear of oblivion, and they had just served it fresh from the oven, right in front of my face. 

I trust too much, that’s my biggest flaw. I trust them because I care for them, and I want to give myself the opportunity to devour to a friendship I can watch and screw life with, only to find that, we’re not on the same leaf, people change, and they just did. Sure, vulnerability is not my cup of tea, and it’ll never be, but I will never be tired of gambling. I’ll die one day, and I’ll be forgotten, two of my fears entwined in one, and just as my observations, my thoughts, my beliefs and my argues evaporate together with my footsteps, I know I have lived my life under none of the many roofs of people’s how it should be, but my own.

This journey is still long, longer I hope. So for now, I will keep pacing, and will still keep observing.

Fragments.

I want to grow old, I mean grow older. Not that I’m bored with my life or with the people and places I know. I just want to expand my horizon, get out of my shell, pack all the strength I have saved for all these years, and march my own pace.

I want to go to France. I feel like there is something or perhaps someone out there waiting for me. Well if there’s none, I don’t care. For once and for all, I just want to be free, and France, is the only place I know, perfect for my escape.

Hello Stranger

He’d been always there for me a countless times, and I believe I was just blinded by all the aches that I have mended my defenses way too invincible to the point of being numb.  I gave him coldness, he gave me warmth. I gave him sarcasm, he gave me sweetness. I gave him rejection, he gave me acceptance. I gave him all the reasons that can dismay his affection, he embraced all my flaws. He is a stranger who patiently listened to all my sentiments, a stranger who sincerely sympathized to my miseries. I know I became selfish, I know I became rude, I even became lax. But the more I insist him to give up his feelings for me, the more scared I become that, um he will do so. I was jailed in a relationship that gone no further than just, leaving me with no reasons to love again. I felt used, smothered.

That would be pathetic of me to fall for the same trick the second time around.  But, there is something in him that’s making me want to try falling in love, once again. His word makes me feel secured, like his every sentences was a security blanket for me. I know it’s weird but, I can feel his sincerity despite not seeing him yet. I don’t know if he loves me for real, but I guess life’s just a matter of taking a try for whatever it will offer you on the table, and I am ready for anything now.

I want to spend my every day mocking and teasing him, this is so rude of me but, my day’s just isn’t complete without me bullying him. Like it’s my way of saying, that I am the only one who has the authority to do those things to him. Selfish and nefarious it may seem, but it’s just one weird way of mine in making people feel that they have a special place in my heart.

I’m not the sweetest girl in the world, im not even sweet, but I want to cuddle with him all day long, I want to hold his hands as I play with his fingers in a midst of a crowd, I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be so close to him that I can hear his every breath already. I want to argue with him about random things, I want to face each and every fear I have, with him smiling behind me, I want to walk anywhere with him as we lose track of the time, I want to fight with him about silly stuffs, cry for infinitesimal reasons, part ways, then realize that all we have is the both of us, kiss like it was the very first, love like it was the only thing we know to do. 

But, I’m not still strong enough to own him and the possibility of losing him anytime. I know we’ll get there someday too, but now, I am just so happy that I met him. And for me, that will always be enough.

Book Review: Die For Me & Until I die by Amy Plum

I have spent my weeks reading these books by Amy Plum. At first, i was skeptical of even glancing at its very first page, i'm not a fan of romance novels and thought i would never be, but as i have read the first few pages of the book, I was caught off-guard, I gagged for it, drooled for it, and breathed on its every momentum, and now i feel that it is a part of me.

I am frantically a hopeless romantic person, i would never deny that, and this book had all the right words, people and circumstance written to bleed what exactly i am fantasizing for myself.

Kate Beamont Mercier and Vincent Delacroix's love story has became the major motion picture playing in my mind as i enter my fictional world whenever i have the chance to. It just not become a habit, but an addiction, and i'm ecstatic every now and then.

Kate's profound affection for art and everything under the umbrella of all the things weird and quirky a normal 17 year old girl would never put herself into, has always been congruent with mine. And she being the   life of an undead too good too be true supposedly 80 year-old revenant but was trapped on a body of a 19 year old way too gorgeous guy, has come on my senses delicious by default.

I know they're not real. But at least with them and their story, i can find my reverie.

I can't wait for the trilogy (If I Should Die), despite having me not want the story to have its end still very frolic of what would happen next.

Paris, France. I will go there someday too. Insane it may sound, but I am going to find my own kate-vincent love story there. :))))

I was once a writer

The back view of the shirt my school paper adviser gave me, 5 years ago. She bought it during the Calabarzon School Press Conference on 2008. I failed to make it to the Regionals that is why she just bought me a shirt as a token of gratitude instead. I garnered 5^th place during the Division School Press Conference in Feature Writing, and technically I am really legible to proceed to the Regionals since the rule says that the top 7 of each category are the ones that will be chosen, but the rule also says that only one student per school, of each category can pursue to the Regionals, and unfortunately, my fellow Stentor (our English publication) writer bagged the 4^th place, making me off of the list. It sucked, it really does. To have you realize that you’ve outshined the other 70 + writer from different school, and that the only competitor you need to obstruct came from one of your colleague, a total disappointment. I lost the chance, leaving me thinking every night of what might have been.

But its 5 years now, and I’m over it. Haha, my only point is that I just want to share the picture. So there you have it. Pardon for the drama :)