My Head.

My head’s clouded by thoughts I can’t separate from the dense pieces of abstracts. I feel lost, and alone. I have this longing inside my heart I can’t figure out. All I know is, I’m tired and I have to bleed what my heart’s weeping every second of its waking hours, or else I’ll pass out for good or if not, go insane.

I observe the world not as a routine to kill time or to contemplate what the philosophy books have taught me, but rather to see through the overt, pricking through the obvious and conclude the concealed other things beneath the surface. And what I have seen skew my perception, making me ponder of how dissimilar the people I just knew from the people I thought they were. As I have tried to live my life the way I used to, people, incognizant or deliberately, starts to peel away from the costumes they adorned with glamour and pesky pretentious. “The shows over”, I thought to myself, only to find that everything’s just a warm up and the show has just begun.

Everything in this world is subject to change, whether they like it, they don’t like it, or they don’t know. Life, is not staying in one place for the rest of your earthly definition of eternity, not even going from place to place to give justice for why we have to eventually turn to ashes and remnants only utile to the lowest species this world has, when all our years, we strive to carpe diem by finding the fictional stair towards self-actualization. I myself will also be swallowed by this world one day, but my thoughts wouldn’t dive with me, six feet below the earth.

People doesn’t change overnight, they change in the speed of light. I have tried hard to avoid change, but just like others, it struck me like a thunder with a wind as its disguise. I savored it for, I no longer can measure. It consumed me, it’s ecstatic, and every fiber in me felt like it effloresce into something invincible yet naïve. From the moment the phylogeny is through, I wished it never happened at the very first place.

I am changing together with the people, with the world and everything in between. Every day is a fashion show of ‘how-long-can-you-pull-together-that-sanity-of-yours’, and the world’s long pavements are the runway. Everyone around me is a stimulus to my impending many changes yet to come, likewise, I am theirs. But, I still can’t figure out why some of the people I value and almost love, decided to change and eventually leave me hanging in the air, when I never gave them any stimuli condescending to their egos. Next to my first fear dying, is my fear of oblivion, and they had just served it fresh from the oven, right in front of my face. 

I trust too much, that’s my biggest flaw. I trust them because I care for them, and I want to give myself the opportunity to devour to a friendship I can watch and screw life with, only to find that, we’re not on the same leaf, people change, and they just did. Sure, vulnerability is not my cup of tea, and it’ll never be, but I will never be tired of gambling. I’ll die one day, and I’ll be forgotten, two of my fears entwined in one, and just as my observations, my thoughts, my beliefs and my argues evaporate together with my footsteps, I know I have lived my life under none of the many roofs of people’s how it should be, but my own.

This journey is still long, longer I hope. So for now, I will keep pacing, and will still keep observing.

Fragments.

I want to grow old, I mean grow older. Not that I’m bored with my life or with the people and places I know. I just want to expand my horizon, get out of my shell, pack all the strength I have saved for all these years, and march my own pace.

I want to go to France. I feel like there is something or perhaps someone out there waiting for me. Well if there’s none, I don’t care. For once and for all, I just want to be free, and France, is the only place I know, perfect for my escape.

Hello Stranger

He’d been always there for me a countless times, and I believe I was just blinded by all the aches that I have mended my defenses way too invincible to the point of being numb.  I gave him coldness, he gave me warmth. I gave him sarcasm, he gave me sweetness. I gave him rejection, he gave me acceptance. I gave him all the reasons that can dismay his affection, he embraced all my flaws. He is a stranger who patiently listened to all my sentiments, a stranger who sincerely sympathized to my miseries. I know I became selfish, I know I became rude, I even became lax. But the more I insist him to give up his feelings for me, the more scared I become that, um he will do so. I was jailed in a relationship that gone no further than just, leaving me with no reasons to love again. I felt used, smothered.

That would be pathetic of me to fall for the same trick the second time around.  But, there is something in him that’s making me want to try falling in love, once again. His word makes me feel secured, like his every sentences was a security blanket for me. I know it’s weird but, I can feel his sincerity despite not seeing him yet. I don’t know if he loves me for real, but I guess life’s just a matter of taking a try for whatever it will offer you on the table, and I am ready for anything now.

I want to spend my every day mocking and teasing him, this is so rude of me but, my day’s just isn’t complete without me bullying him. Like it’s my way of saying, that I am the only one who has the authority to do those things to him. Selfish and nefarious it may seem, but it’s just one weird way of mine in making people feel that they have a special place in my heart.

I’m not the sweetest girl in the world, im not even sweet, but I want to cuddle with him all day long, I want to hold his hands as I play with his fingers in a midst of a crowd, I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be so close to him that I can hear his every breath already. I want to argue with him about random things, I want to face each and every fear I have, with him smiling behind me, I want to walk anywhere with him as we lose track of the time, I want to fight with him about silly stuffs, cry for infinitesimal reasons, part ways, then realize that all we have is the both of us, kiss like it was the very first, love like it was the only thing we know to do. 

But, I’m not still strong enough to own him and the possibility of losing him anytime. I know we’ll get there someday too, but now, I am just so happy that I met him. And for me, that will always be enough.

Book Review: Die For Me & Until I die by Amy Plum

I have spent my weeks reading these books by Amy Plum. At first, i was skeptical of even glancing at its very first page, i'm not a fan of romance novels and thought i would never be, but as i have read the first few pages of the book, I was caught off-guard, I gagged for it, drooled for it, and breathed on its every momentum, and now i feel that it is a part of me.

I am frantically a hopeless romantic person, i would never deny that, and this book had all the right words, people and circumstance written to bleed what exactly i am fantasizing for myself.

Kate Beamont Mercier and Vincent Delacroix's love story has became the major motion picture playing in my mind as i enter my fictional world whenever i have the chance to. It just not become a habit, but an addiction, and i'm ecstatic every now and then.

Kate's profound affection for art and everything under the umbrella of all the things weird and quirky a normal 17 year old girl would never put herself into, has always been congruent with mine. And she being the   life of an undead too good too be true supposedly 80 year-old revenant but was trapped on a body of a 19 year old way too gorgeous guy, has come on my senses delicious by default.

I know they're not real. But at least with them and their story, i can find my reverie.

I can't wait for the trilogy (If I Should Die), despite having me not want the story to have its end still very frolic of what would happen next.

Paris, France. I will go there someday too. Insane it may sound, but I am going to find my own kate-vincent love story there. :))))

I was once a writer

The back view of the shirt my school paper adviser gave me, 5 years ago. She bought it during the Calabarzon School Press Conference on 2008. I failed to make it to the Regionals that is why she just bought me a shirt as a token of gratitude instead. I garnered 5^th place during the Division School Press Conference in Feature Writing, and technically I am really legible to proceed to the Regionals since the rule says that the top 7 of each category are the ones that will be chosen, but the rule also says that only one student per school, of each category can pursue to the Regionals, and unfortunately, my fellow Stentor (our English publication) writer bagged the 4^th place, making me off of the list. It sucked, it really does. To have you realize that you’ve outshined the other 70 + writer from different school, and that the only competitor you need to obstruct came from one of your colleague, a total disappointment. I lost the chance, leaving me thinking every night of what might have been.

But its 5 years now, and I’m over it. Haha, my only point is that I just want to share the picture. So there you have it. Pardon for the drama :)

A Human Pickle

So I am pickled inside the house, not going anywhere for a month, aside from my bed, the kitchen and the bathroom. This might not be as exciting (no excitement at all) as how school vacation supposed to be, but I am happy though. I am a lazy cat. I can spend my entire day just sleeping, so this is really fulfilling for me despite how exciting it is to be outdoor during the summer. I am a home dude, and I am having my summer the best it can be. This is not just about making an excuse for having no allowance for me to avail the getaway I want, hahaha, even if I do have the money, I’ll still prefer to stay at home and maybe just spend every peso I have with burgers, and fries, and ice creams, and perhaps sleep again. Vacation Grande my style. :)

Just some pictures of me :)

I just want to share them. :)))))

Cute Neighbors :D

2 new neighbors :)

At dun nagtatapos ang 2 years at 5 months.

Broken hearted ako. Kaya eto, tinatamad na akong magsulat o maski makinig ng mga tugtuging tila nangaasar pa. Hays, totoo ngang pagdating sa pag-ibig e wala tayong kadala-dala. Nasaktan ka na nga dati, nasaktan pa ulit sa pangalawang pagkakataon, tapos ngayon eto nanaman, paulit-ulit lang, parang remix na plaka, alam mo ng paulit-ulit lang yung lyrics e kanta ka pa din ng kanta. E ganun talaga kasi siguro ang buhay, kapag ang puso ang nadali, kahit anong nadala na ako kemerut mo e kapag tinamaan ka, e tinamaan ka talaga. Hindi uubra ang pa-manhid at my amnesia girl effect mo lalo kapag nakita mo na siya.

Tsk. 2 years and 5 months din yun dude eh. Hindi yun simpleng MU lang. Akala ko nga siya na e. Mantakin mo ba namang pinaplano na namin ( sige kadalasan ako lang ) yung magiging buhay namin pagkasal na kami, kung ilan ang magiging anak namin tsaka magiging pangalan nila. Akala ko truelove na, yun pala isa din lang pala sa mga napakaraming komersyal na mapapanuod ko bago yung pelikula. Binonggahan pa sa special effects komersyal lang pala.

Kung minahal ko ba siya? E oo naman, sobra sobra. Kaya nga hanggang ngayon e umaasa pa rin akong marerealize niyang hindi niya pala kayang mawala ako, na pwede naman pala niyang punan yung mga pagkukulang niya at ganun din ako, na kami pala talaga ang para sa isa’t-isa, na hindi na niya ako ulit iiwan kahit anong problema o hindi pagkakaintindihan pa ang dumating saming dalawa. Pero asa naman ako, kung hindi ako nagkakamali, e siya ang pinakamanhid na nakilala ko sa buong buhay ko. Daig pa ang bato kung makadedmabels sa mga argues ko nung kami pa. Kaya nga kami naghiwalay e. Dahil sa sobrang manhid nya, nahawa na ako. Wala siyang pakialam, ako din. Nagkalasan na lang.

Hindi naman ako nagsisising naging kami. Minahal naman niya ako e, hindi nga lang halata.  Siguro namimiss ko lang siya kaya gantong nagkokorni-kornihan ako. Pero katulad ng alak, balang araw isusuka ko din siya. Mawawala din ang tama ko. Oo na, baduy na.

At dun nagtatapos ang 2 years at 5 months.

Graffiti.

Assignment ng pinsan ko sa Basic Photography nila, ako na lang yun nagmodel. Hha. =)