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I AM FUCKING ANGRY. FUCKING ANGRY.
Tangina. Tangina talaga pakshet.
Ang sakit sakit tangina.
Ang sakit.. parang ini-iscalpel yung dibdib ko tapos sinusuntok-suntok pa at the same time.
Putangina talaga minsan ka na nga lang mainlove tangina.
Putangina pano ko matatanggal tong amoy niya sa utak ko leche sakit.
Ang sarap i-undo lahat pero ayoko.
Pero yung sakit sana somehow medyo hindi ko maramdaman.
Yung hindi kada lingon ko nakikita ko siya,
pu tang ina.

Huehue

Can this afternoon be more cliché? The rain is pouring, my heart is breaking, I’m all alone in the house, and I can’t decipher my own thoughts. I’ve been emotionally constipated for I no longer remember, and I don’t know if there’s something wrong with that, neither do I know if it’s in any chances right. I don’t feel anything at all and I have no idea how to feel and what to feel on certain circumstances anymore. It’s like my emotional switch has been turned off. I feel like I’m stuck and I feel the need for a long walk to somewhere or a bus ride to only-god-knows-where. I used to be so jolly and talkative, and in an I-don’t-know-how trick, I became the complete opposite of the person I was once. I don’t feel like going out with my friends, don’t like talking to others about how I feel (because none of them do really listen and they would just rather tell me to shrug it off and tell me to start to visit places outside my cave), don’t feel like catching up with what’s going on with their lives (because I don’t want them to catch up with mine). I just want to travel alone. Try to figure out things in life, try to you know, see better with all these clouds above my head. I want to be in a different place, with a different culture, to be surrounded by different people who have no single idea who I am, and just be a different person. I want to be in a place where I can run naked on the street and no one will give a damn, a place where I can lie down beneath the stars and no one will think that I’m just wasting my time, a place where there’s winter and fall and spring, a place where I can ink my skin of Bieber’s face, a Japanese translation of Harlem Shake, and no one will tell me I’m gross, judge me that I’m a drug addict, a whore or a herpes carrier and no one will have an estimation of my IQ Level based on my physique. Not that I really care of whatever people say, just for once, I just wanted to be myself, without any norms checking out on me every fucking time. I know life is no chick flick, it goes from horror to comedy to musical and you just can’t pick for yourself and I know going to different places will not suddenly bring me to realization of whatever I’m trying to unravel, but I know it’s a good start, and I want it more than anything to start now. 

Fuck.

I'm not much of a talker, I rant but only inside my head for reasons that 1) I don't like people misunderstanding my thoughts 2) I don't like talking 3) misunderstanding would be followed by explaining that involves a lot of talking 4) I kind of hate everyone 5) no one really understand most of my rants. I'm not an escapist, a hipster or whatsoever, I just like my preferences and I enjoy doing things without any attachment from no one. I'm not trying to be deep or to be flowery or to be mysterious as what people often regard about my ways. I am what i'm comfortable to be, it doesn't involve warm hi's and hello's, it doesn't have a sneak peek of an impending friendship yet to come, I am harsh and cold and i'm not going to follow it with buts because i'm harsh and cold with no buts. I became this person with no stimulus from the past and this is not a phase, this is me and i am not a phase. 

This is me breathing, doing stuffs i like, writing for things i adore, reading books I want, living life my way. This is too long for a fuck i know, but i'm giving them once and for all. This is me giving a fuck, a one paragraph of a fuck i don't give a fuck giving. Take this in, throw it out, have this thing in any ways you want. Question me about my distance, question me about my coldness, question me about the doors and windows i shut down, question me about my meekness, question me about every weirdness you found in me because i'm abnormal and you're average, question me about everything and brace yourself for fucks i wont give. Dear, i already did, and i will do it only once. 

To you.

To you who wander in this hideous place as often as you could,
things in here are just fragments of my demented mind.
Read them, but never let them sap your hopes for thou,
nor let them belie the beautiful springs my stories have taught you.
I am no more than a giddy child frantic about everything,
and I hope you can wield your affection and still see through me.
My tongue is sometimes as sharp as a dagger,
my mind is sometimes as dither as the weather.
But I know in deepest abbeys of my soul, I am besotted in you.
And I never had the chance to tell you I do.
So, to you who wander in this hideous place as often as you could,
things in here are just fragments of my demented mind.
Read them, but never let them sap your hopes for thou,
nor let them belie the beautiful springs my stories have taught you.
They are real, were real.
But only if you believe in them.
- J.

REVERIES

It’s 4.30 in the morning, and I‘m sitting on my bed, thinking of ways I can find someone who is utterly unearthly, has a mystic power, breath-takingly handsome and is meant to take me to wherever journey he has to go, to unravel the hollows in his life and to introduce me to things I would never have thought of. Pretty haywire I know, never in my life will I escape reality, so instead, I’m merging two worlds in one.

There is this boy in my school, and his stares felt like he’s going to devour me right on the very spot and I won’t mind. His eyes are the coldest I’ve ever seen, and everything about him shouts peril and cavalier, but since then, I forgot how to decipher such signs. He doesn’t know his face is the same face in my daydreams, he doesn’t know I’ve already kissed him a thousand times, he doesn’t know he almost hit the second base, he doesn’t know we’ve already sailed through the Caribbean, he doesn’t know we’ve already spent a summer at the Cote d’ Azure, he doesn’t know he’d promised to marry me for an infinity of reincarnation, he doesn’t know he had already slew numbers of Numa to save me, he doesn’t know he had already threw himself to a herd of Lost Souls for me to escape, he doesn’t know he’d been almost killed by Raveners when he rescued me from a fight, he doesn’t know he will beat the odds only for us to be together he doesn’t know he loves me, he doesn’t know I love him.

In my head, our love gets stronger as days pass. In my head we are each other’s antidote. He doesn’t know all of this and I’m sure he will never do, but at least in my head I love him, and he loves me more. 

Random thoughts

So okay, I’ve always wanted to escape the reality, and I’m trying to escape it but reality’s just reality and I’m stuck in it since magic, elves, witches, wizards, nephilims, revenants, shadow hunters and demigods are just all fictional, and so is the world I always imagine when I’m psychologically withdrawn. Not that I find reality kind of boring (but mostly it is), but for me it is the most scary thing in the universe, more scarier than slaying dragons, six-armed ogres, 30 ft tall Cyclops, a pack of wolves, and numas.

Sometimes, okay, often, I imagine that I’ll find a black hole and because of my curiosity, I’ll scrutinize it, I’ll fall, I’ll black out, and the moment I wake up, I’ll be surrounded by mom, dad and my pesky sister and they’ll have this cute pointed ears (‘course except for me because I’m the dude of the story and also except for my dad) and I’ll jump off my feet to know that we’re in a very beautiful world of elves and my mom’s the queen and my father, an angel (who have granted the will to love an elf and to stay in her world) making me and my sister a half-angel, half-elf (but the elfish thing runs  on my sister’s blood stronger than the angel thing so she has a pointed ear and me, the complete equilibrium of the two) and that we lived in the world of mortals to prepare me for the battle of my life.

Also, our mortal house is on either France or Los Angeles. Then, they will have to leave me in the mortal world since my Mom’s the queen and she has the responsibility to look over her peaceful and beautiful kingdom and my sister, she can go on either of the worlds and I can’t (because of a prophecy I’m still making up) and my father, he has a job on the angel kingdom (but it’s only an eight hour shift so he goes home after) and me, I’m still going to my university and by the way I’m on my senior year taking up AB Literature.

Bit by bit, I’m going to discover my powers and they are as follows:

·                         Healing – since my mother’s an elf making her also, one of the leaders of the four elements, and she has the earth element, and since our body is made of metal elements she can regenerate any wounds, bruises and the sorts and so can I.

·         

           Levitation – I acquired this one on my father but unlike him, I have no wings (because it would be a hassle if the enemy will pare it, or if I’m flying in narrow spaces, and also because I’m just a half-angel.)

·                  

            Charm Speaking – This one’s from my mother, through my words, I can urge people to do things I want. (but I’m not going to use this for evilness, hello, the dude of the story). I’m going to use this towards my enemies and maybe to civilians who would see crazy stuffs of my world.

·     

                      Invisibility – this one’s from my father, since angels act as guides, they’re with mortals but they don’t see them. But this power of mine won’t work towards my number one nemesis (which means I have other nemesis too).

·              

           Nature pheromone – This, I got it from my mom. This ability would enable me to talk to everything and everyone in the nature.

·         

            Amazing fighting skill – and this, I don’t know where I got it, so it is another mystery I have to unravel.

And my most fatal power, I’m still working on that.

Sooner or later, I’ll discover that there are other kids like me (but not half-angel, half-elf, some of them are daughters and sons of the fire, air, water element, good witches, and wizards  but unlike me, they’re half-mortal), and there’s  like 8 of us. We go to the same school, and accidentally we are going to discover each other’s identity. Our greatest foe will be Lucian’s legion, he’s this crazy right hand of Satan that aims on overthrowing his boss if he will destroy equilibria, the seed of equilibrium.

Myths says that, anyone who can destroy equilibria will have this power no one can fathom the boundary. And the reason behind why God had entrusted the seed of equilibrium to the world is for all the habitants of the earth to work together as one, to maintain equality and peace, so technically it serves as an anchor to all things, either bad or good. But equilibria is not a literal seed, but rather an offspring of two individuals that call for earth and heaven, angel and elf, and equilibria is within me, or much to better say, I am equilibria.  (Mygash, this is going exciting)

Me and my friends will work hard to unknot this vague and almost impossible to unfold prophecy, only to find out that what we’re looking for has always been within me (and like any other books, enemies know it already and we’re dead). And of course, I’m going to meet someone (squeal), Lucian’s only son, Daemon. He has this ebony hair that drops smoothly on his shoulder when he brushes it with his fingers, he has the eyes of impossible blue, green and hints of olives, he has this jaw and nose carved to perfection, skin of that someone who surfs, tanned but just enough, you know the sexy kind of tan and a voice that is effortlessly husky and hot.

And I’ll fall for him, but I have to control my feelings because hello, he’s obviously the enemies trap a hot trap, and I have this big quest I should do or else we’re all doomed.

Daemons Lucian’s only son, and he’s mother is a beautiful mortal. When he was still little, his mother took care of him, and they live on the mortal world. Daemon’s mother is a very beautiful movie star, and she fell in love with Lucian. She left everything she has when she gave birth to daemon to tend on his every need, and to watch him grow and be the person she wishes him to be. But when his mother found out that Lucian’s not a human, she take daemon with her to hide him from his father’s selfish plans, but she’s just a mortal, Lucian killed him, and erased daemon’s memories of her mother.

With Daemon wants to impress his father, and to finally give him attention and recognize him as his son, he’ll do everything his father commands him. Even when it means finding equilibria, the girl she never thought she’ll fall for (that’s me haha), and the girl who will fix each and every piece of the lost memories of his mother.

Equilibria anchors everything good and bad, and the world’s impending doom will only be preempted, if good and bad will work together as one. Can they face this calamitous battle? Can they see through the meaning of the prophecy? Can their love save equilibria?

Haha, now that’s an article. :) 

For My Dearest Matt

You’re a stranger yet my feelings for you are all familiar.

Like we’ve already spend a warm summer together.

Like I memorized the sound of your laughs and sobs.

Like you have me once, and I have you.

Your stares felt like they bored through me a million times

Your lips felt like it had touched mine for countless mornings

Your hair, it seemed like I have brushed them with my fingers before

You’re a stranger yet you’ve had my heart completely awed.

The color of your eyes, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen

And somewhat, I feel like they are for me to stare at forever.

I can feel your heartbeat yes I can,

And somehow, I know it’s completely congruent with mine.

I don’t know if it’s only the caffeine

Or I’m barely losing my mind, and god, my heart

But you’re a stranger yet my feelings for you are all familiar

Like you have my heart once, and I have yours.

Band Cover

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAQEFMJEjdQ&feature=youtu.be

Uh, I have a band for almost 4 years now but we're not actually active and we seldom see each other. But, we still visit studios and play together. This one's our cover of the song What's up by the late 90's band 4non blondes. Kat's on the drum, Kc's on the lead, Jadee's on the bass and me, on the rhythm and vocal. We're just amateurs so pardon for the unclean cover. :>

Libido.

Well, it's already 10:30 pm, i'm bored and i don't want to sleep yet sooo, i'm going to post pictures of random guys i slept with, blah blah blah and here they are.

They're Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, Wade Poezyn, Tanner Patrick, Aaron Johnson, Alexander Rodriguez, Dennis O'neil and Andy Sixx not on the exact order. And Matt Bomer's my current man. Geez, in my dreams. *swoon

People

People are people

They curse

They lie

They demean.

People are people

They love

They sympathize

They care.

People are people

They bewilder

They seek

They ask.

People are people

They’re impermanent

They’re vulnerable

They’re fragile.

People are people

They’re imperfect

They learn

They grow.

People are people

This world’s this world

And they’re both pesky.